Hello AmyC. Thank you for coming to my thread of pain. I greatly appreciate your time, concern and thoughts. And yes, I do know I have created a nasty one.
Quote: I'll tell you what the primary thing is that you must do before you can be successful at any other strategy. Shed the guilt. You are dragging it around and it shows in everything you do.
I know. I am working on that everyday. I thought I was farther along on that front but I seem to be a glutton for taking my W's punishment/anger. I just feel so guilty. I know that God has forgiven me, my issue is that I have so much trouble getting away from my worst critic and judge: ME!
Quote: Do you know exactly when it was that you lost her respect? I'll tell you when it was. It was very minute you became a contortionist trying to satisfy her every want or need.
I see that now, and I still am having trouble not doing the same thing with her every whim. I am deathly afraid of pushing us to our D by doing a 180 now. But I guess more of the same is helping to kill my M now, isn't it?
Quote: Do you now see the value of your wife, marriage and family through an entirely new set of eyes? I bet you do. THAT is a lesson that many people don't get. YOU did....
I do see my family with a new set of eyes. I want my W to want me back as her S. I want to be home with my W and our children. I am so saddened by all of this. It is very clear to me that the work I need to be doing is all on me.
Quote: 1)How did your wife find out about the affair?
My affair was with a woman with loose lips and word leaked out to an acquaintance of my mother-in-law. My MIL confronted me and told me, "I don't know if this is true and I don't care, but if it is, it needs to stop NOW. I don't want my daughter hurt." It had already stopped, so that was not an issue. My mother-in-law then took it upon herself to inform my W's sister and brother of my mistake. My brother-in-law is an addict and is extremely unstable. He got drunk in February and came over to "kick my a**." So that's how my W found out about my horrible mistake. IMHO my MIL knew her son would behave in the way that he did. To make matters worse, my MIL has been the captain of the USS Infidelity herself. So much for expecting honor amongst those who betray their spouses. I know I didn't deserve any breaks in concealing my disaster. Bad judgement all around, especially ME.
and
Quote: 2)Did you get the opportunity to tell her exactly WHY you are sorry?
Yes, I did. I told her that I was a coward for not being willing to come forth to her to express my stupid thoughts. She told me that I should have and she would have told me that we shoudl just get a D (as she had all too often expressed to me over our M), which confirms my worst fears of speaking with her about my stupid thoughts. None of that is any excuse though, I know. I did assure her that this would never happen again because of my work on me and our R. I am fully aware that I have blown apart the very foundation of our marriage- the trust and respect. I know that my affair is MY mistake, but that decision is so terribly weak and dishonorable, which makes it that much more difficult to forgive myself.
AmyC, your post did not seem harsh. It was exactly what I needed to hear and I do welcome any insight and help you may offer me to heal myself and also in my attempts at DBing my M with my beloved S. Any thoughts, prayers, encouragement, direction are greatly appreciated. I am a VERY needy poster. I am surrounded by family, friends and acquaintances who are NOT pro-marriage. The most important task in my life right now is to save my M and to preserve my family. I need all the help and guidance I can get.
BTW, tomorrow I have a phone consultation with Vernetta. I'll post when I am done with it.
