Well, your sitch seems to be pretty complicated but aren't they all.
I had two reactions to your post. First, I started to become somewhat upset at these people telling you to "stop doing for her" and "stop being her doormat". Sure, that could have been advice for you BEFORE your A but YOU are the one who had the affair. Do they just dismiss that fact?
The second reaction was that DB/DR is read by and practiced by people in your position but I think some of it's specific principals are not really suited for the "other side". I think that's where you are getting confused. You are doing 180's and such but I really think you need to read the section in DR about infidelity and what the spouse in your position should do and focus on those things first.
I also recommend you check out some other books on infidelity such as Surviving Infidelity and find AmyC's and Heatherg's threads if you have not already. They are both DBing from your side of the fence and have some really good insight. Actually, I hope Amy will comment on your sitch. I will ask her to.
So, what I see in your sitch is a marriage that had a lot of issues, and honestly, many of them may be your W's issues but by virtue of your actions, she is putting everything on you. I can see how your friends and family who know your history may be telling you to stop doing things for her, etc.
All in all, it's hard to tell what you should do right now. I think the parts of DB/DR you should embrace are the ones that tell you to focus on you and understanding what YOU can do to become a better man no matter what your W does.
What I also think is interesting about your sitch is thinking about what we would be saying to your W if she were posting here. I suppose it would be a lot about forgiveness and owning up to her part of the bad marriage. That said, I would refrain from giving her any more homework. We all have the tendency to want to share what we learn in our journey of self-discovery but too often, that sharing comes off as condescension and not helpfulness. Some things are better left to be discovered by each individual on their own time. I know it sucks because you feel that IF she really took DB to heart, she would be a more willing partner in all this but right now, she is not ready.
In any event, I would suggest reading more, reflecting more, maybe trying to rely less on these friends and family who may or may not be concerned about the preservation of your marriage, and really looking hard at your relationship with your W. Decide if you REALLY want to save marriage because you love your W or if it's for other reasons like the kids. IF you are doing it for the right reasons and you think you can make changes in YOU that will improve the R, should one be possible in the future, then by all means, DB your heart out and understand that DB is as much about buying time and preventing you from doing things to further damage your marriage as it is actively saving it, IMHO. Give time a chance. Work on you, post your experience and seek help.
Last thing. Are you seeing a therapist on your own? If not, you should look into it. It really can help.
