MY infidelity became known to my S 2-1/2 months ago. My A was over long before that. I would greatly appreciate the perspective of those who have been on my W's side of an affair. I would also appreciate everyone's direction and support in keeping my head in the game. I know that nothing is more important than fighting for my marriage and keeping my family together.
My W was destroyed, hurt and pissed by my A. She lost all respect for and trust in me, which is understandable. She immediately wanted to get a D. I was forced into going to an arbritrator to pacify her and to avoid a legal battle. I DO NOT want a divorce, I want to make amends and reconcile our marriage. To date, she barely tolerates me. It goes in waves.
While at the arbritrator, her anger was even more pronounced, as she stated that she just wanted out of the marriage. The arbritator finally told her that being aggressive, nasty, and angry with me and him was not productive; a divorce takes 6 months. When my S went to the bathroom, he looked at me flabergasted and said, "Sheesh, she's really pissed at you." I told him yes, and explained my A.
The arbritrator also told us that WE are NOT the important ones, that our children are the innocents and THEY are the important ones. We both agreed. We have been to co-parenting counseling sessions together. This all makes me so sad. What makes matters worse is that our son is so young he needs to be with his mommy LOTS.
When the arbritator asked who would be the petitioner, I said I would. I had time to reflect. I DO NOT want a D. I told my W that and that I would NOT be the petitioner. She said she would and sent the information to the arbitrator by e-mail. To date, I still have not been served, and that was over 2 weeks ago. I am trying to NOT read too much into anything that does or does not happen between us, regardless of whether it looks positive or negative.
Anyway, I have read DB (twice) and am about half way through DR. I loaned DB to my W, in hopes that her curiosity would nudge her to open it. She did, but said that it didn't apply to us. She also commented on my highlighting marks, trying to read my mind as to why certain parts were highlighted. I asked her to disregard the highlighting and I assured her that she would see us in several stories. I then assured her that it was her choice to open it up or not. I am hopeful she will give it another try.
At this point, mostly what I get from my S is anger and aloofness. She tells me that we are separated and that she is single and her private time is private. She asks me constantly if I have a girlfriend and accuses me of having hickeys. It's not even possible. I understand that comes from a lack of trust in me. Anyway, she told me tonight that she went on a "business dinner" and I asked her if it was a date. She insisted that it started out that way but she is not interested in him. She is not interested in getting serious with anyone. I let it go at that, as hard as that was. I know that I can't control what she does. She says she is single and apparently is going on dates. *shrug* That hurts, but I can't make it not happen.
My thoughts and feelings tonight were hurt and bitterness. I need to try the techniques in CH 5 of DR. We see each other pretty regularly because of our 2 children. I don't talk about our R or M. We talk about our children or her needs. What I do is help her out whenever she makes me aware of a need. She will often wrap her need with our children's need. I have the hardest time telling her no. Always have. Is saying no in line with doing a 180?? I seem to be really stuck in doing more of the same.
I am deathly afraid of not going along with what I've always gone along with before because I do not want a D. Although doing more of the same certainly seems like going down cheeseless tunnel after cheeseless tunnel and assisting her in loading us on the runaway downhill train to Divorceville, USA. Again, HELP!
I had a recent conversation with someone who knows both of us. S/he told me that I need to forgive myself, to stop taking abuse from my W, and to stop being a doormat for my W. This same person also said that s/he has been greatly impressed with my patience in dealing with my S in the aftermath of my A and that I can't pay for my mistake forever. All of that advice is the most sound and lucid advice I have received. S/he also said to get myself set up in my own place AND to continue being patient, but from more of a distance and stop being so available to help out. I believe I am going to proceed in that direction. Any thoughts from DBers??
It's been since 2-1/2 months since my A became public and I know that this is all still a really fresh wound for my W. She asked me to move out and I did 2-1/2 months ago. I have been supporting our household with 100% of my pay. My sister and brother-in-law have been extremely kind with their hospitality by allowing me to stay in their spare BR for now. As I said, I've got to stop staying there and move into my own place that is closer to our children.
We have a 5 year old daughter and an 8 month old son. I need to get a place of my own, because it seems that our current separation is looking permanent. Everyone who cares about me tells me to back off and stop doing for her when she calls. I am having serious trouble doing that because I have ALWAYS cared for and done for her. Unfortunately, it's feeling like I am being used so that she can go out and play the field. My sister says stop! Do you want to be her 2nd husband; the one who does for her while she shares her bed with someone else?
I feel that I would be greasing the tracks to Divorceville by putting the brakes on my helpfulness to her. My head tells me one thing, but my heart tells me the oppossite. HELP!
More info about us. We have been married 6 years and my W too often told me she wanted a D. She also asked me to move out several times. This was all long before my A. My feeling even before my A was that my W longed to be single and childless. Unfortunately, my affair was the bullet she needed to shoot our marriage in the heart. That makes my mistake even harder to swallow.
My W also has 1 really dear marriage cancer friend. Unfortunately, this friend is the little devil that I envision sitting on my W's shoulder whispering marital doomsday advice. Sad. I don't know what her other friends are telling her about our current marital state, but I hope it's not THAT!
Tonight was a real blow to my willingness to keep on keepin' on for my marriage. I love my W dearly and I do believe that with SBT assistance we will have the tools we need to build the wonderful M and friendship that we, and our children, deserve. Again tonight, our daughter told me that she is mad at me and sad because I do not live with her. THAT breaks my heart.
BTW, I have a call in to schedule my DB counseling sessions.
