Deejay,

My first thought was...sorry for this...GET OVER YOURSELF (and I mean that in the most friendly, helpful way, lol)!

Damn, and I though I was greedy. What more do you want?

DB teaches us to learn to take responsibility for our own happiness...and I would suppose, our own misery. You seem to be wallowing in misery that is entirely of your own creation, at least today, at almost 10am in the morning, my time. Please, get past this NOW. Yes, I suppose it is normal, but in the end, so too is it normal for people to self-sabotage their marriages and never really do what they need to do to either save it, or maintain it once it's healthy. There aren't so many people on this site (and others I would assume) that are not successful because they apply the techniques and advice perfectly and then fail because their W is pure evil, or sitch is just too far gone. Mostly it's because they naturally (and I mean that! This stuff is HARD to do) don't really follow the advice given, nor do they fully realize that it's up to them and them alone to change THEIR life, and THEIR life is the only one they can really control enough to ensure change.

Deejay, when you first came back here, your posts motivated people to no end. You GOT it so well! Here is an excerpt from your original post to this thread that about sums it up.

Quote:

Even after reading the great advice here i still insisted on pursuing and chasing my W.I did this for a good 4 months...Turns out the Op was a true loser and she was not seeing him that long but my insistance on begging,pleading and such drove her away.Just a month ago she was still living her single life and found out about another one niter kind of thing and this finally gave me the strengh to finally let go and stop the pursuit.I all the sudden was a more confident Man..I had other Women pursuing me(never engaged anything)but it made me feel good and My W picked up on this and really started feeling as though she was going to lose me and started to draw closer to me.I ve been staying back home now for about a week,and bring a few things back with me here and there.Things are going great!Better than i ever thought..We have had better sex than we ever had as a married couple(Legally Seperated Feb.06) and just tonite she told me crying that she was SORRY!and that she loved me.
I take more than half of the responsibility for our downfall.I was Lazy...took my wife and my family for granted.
I never imagined things would ever turn around,and not only that i feel like we are BECOMING closer than we have ever been.
I did some horrible things in the beginning of my sitch that probably kept my wife away longer than she wanted.Looking back it was probably just as bad if not worse than the A itself.




You fully realized, or at least SAID you did, what part your stubborness and taking your family for granted played in your downfall. You seem to be back to doing that again. Stop it. You're better than that now. You HAVE your W saying, WRITING, even, things that my W never said to me in the best of our days together, let alone now.

You have to take a look at where you have been and how far you have come and simply decided to put this behind you. IF you truly forgave your W for this, then stop punishing her for it, and also, have you truly forgiven YOURSELF for your part? If not, do that today and then go forward.

Quote:

I was constantly asking questions about the A,wanting to know who,what ,when,where..everything...i could not help myself.




BS. You CAN help yourself. That is the man who just couldn't bring himself to DB for so long because he was a victim of his emotions and situation. You changed from that man, didn't you? You CAN help yourself, and you know it. You just have to want to be happy. You have to believe you deserve to be, and that your W does too.

Stop asking questions, especially ones she's answered some version of before. If you need to know, and I mean can't live without knowing something, then compose it, sit down with her one night, tell her this is the last time, and ask all you need to ask. Then drop it. I have NO idea if this goes along with conventional wisdom or not, but it seems like the right thing to do to me.

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I keep trying to think back when we were seperated and how badly i wanted this.Im hoping this is all normal and hopefully time will take care of alot of things,but i just really wanted to make sure i knew everything before i invested my once broken heart in my M for the rest of my life.I cannot and will not allow myself to go through this pain again.




Sorry to tell you, you will NEVER know everything. You SHOULDN'T know everything. You are snooping after the fact and it's just as counterproductive now as ever, maybe more so. OT often tells me that I have to acknowledge the trust and leap of faith it takes a WAS to come back home, and honor that. Not necessarily to trust, but to realize that we're not the only ones taking risks here. Your W is taking a HUGE risk by being with you again, and emotional one. You have to be willing to match her in that.

You will NEVER have a guarantee that she won't hurt you again, but then again, what guarantee does SHE have that you won't...oh...wait...you already ARE thinking about things that would hurt her.

My point is that you both will have the ability to emotionally wound the other and that's just what happens when you are in a committed relationship but to the degree which you are wounded depends not on your investment, but your ability to maintain yourself in your relationship. If you are 100% the relationship, then it's ups and downs, or, God forbid, the end of it will mean the end of you, which of course it would not be.

Quote:

I am having problems with living in my house,when i know she has been with Op there.




I get this. On this point, I understand. I would have a hard time with this too. I don't really know what to tell you on this.

Quote:

I have told her to please bare with me,that i have bad days from time to time,and actually told her some things that she says help me sometimes.The other day she said she wanted to tell me that she didnt really know what she was doing during that time and felt bad,but she said she didnt want to say anything.I told her that sometimes it helps to hear your Sorry if you really mean it.




You need to do more of this...sort of. I like you opening up to her, and her you. I know it feels like they need an instruction book and if you do it in the right way, you CAN help her help you but you have to realize that most of that help you can give yourself.

Quote:

I am really trying because when i can calm down and take my mind off of things we really have an unbelievable time together.




So, doesn't this answer your question, all of your questions? You need to "calm down". Period.

Look, I maybe am being hard on you because I am going through something similar and I am realizing that I am creating much of the problem myself. I am realizing that all that wonderful stuff about detaching and DB flew right out the window once things SEEMED to be getting better.

I now know that I have a long way to go, and looking at your sitch, you are already there for the most part.

If you want encouragement, just read that letter over and over again. That's all you should need man.

From my perspective, you have a wife who has admitted the affair, admitted it was wrong, is being VERY open and answering your many questions with patience and understanding and yet you still don't think it's enough. She's a textbook "after the affair" person in that she seems to GET her part in all this and is willing to acknowledge your pain AND hers, and work with you to get to a better place...hell, you're already there my friend.

Please, take a step back. Realize that YOU control your feelings, not the other way around. You CAN do this. You did it before, and you will do it now. You wanted this too much to allow yourself the luxury of self-pity and wallowing in distant pain. Like I said, yes, it IS natural, but so is 50% of marriages ending in divorce. You want to be naturally happy right now, not naturally miserable. Make that choice...NOW!

GH


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