Well, Going on 2 weeks being home,and things have been going a little to GREAT,so i thought i would try and screw it up last night!!I think i may be getting in to the anger and resentment stage here,and i just had to bring up a few things that have been on my mind.I continue to have a few bad thoughts here and there,but everything has been going so well i have not talked about any of my feelings.One of the things she keeps saying is that she came back(YES she wanted to)but she wants to forget the last 6 months and never talk about it again.Should i be ok with this?I believe her when she tells me things,and she says and i believe her when she tells me she has made a commitment to me,but i just think now i want her to fight for me and do things to reassure me and be sensitive to what happened. A little about this.....Her boss at work has a paralyzed sister who's nephew lives with her,and its when she started going over there for ladies night that the A started...She continues to say that has been over for a long time but she was still going there because she was friends with the Sis(which is true). Granted she did agree that she would no longer talk to the sister or go there ever again before i could could even think about getting back together,and she was ok with that,but i still feel something about her Job that i just dont like and that it was her Boss' nephew that she got involved with.At one time i told her if we were to get back together she would have to quit her job,but i backed off of it.I asked her if she thought she could still be friends with someone after that(meaning op)and told her that if she felt that way i could not be her husband.She totally agrees with no contact for life,but the fact that her boss is related stills bugs me and just think that that will continue to be a constant reminder of what happened.Should i feel bad for asking her to quit her job???She really loves her job,and its the only real job she has ever had,but in my opinion a job should not stand in the way of a happy marriage..The other thing she did not want to do is change our phone number.. It seems she is just trying to get things back to normal and not ever deal with anything,and forget the whole thing. And again,she is being sincere about US!!We are doing GREAT...She cant get enough of me and i feel the same way.. Our intimacy has gone through the roof!!We sit and hold each other watching tv,kissing,hugging,talking..everything we never did,and we both love it..... Should i let these things continue to nag me???
deejay, Congrats on your wonderful success ! To answer your question, I would say yes, it is normal to go through these feelings. But you know what...just let them go. Your W said she wants to forget the past six months...so validate...right? Yes, honey let us forget those three months...and forget them. If she wants to talk about it in the future then listen to her and validate everything, even if you disagree. This is the beauty of DBing, you just continue doing it no matter what. Remember do what works. Act positively and reinforce her positives with more of the same. Da**, what I would give to be in your shoes, but I am just happy for your success . You have reached that 5th, and final stage of marriage. I have the images of what it will be like when I get there. You are so right that the key is just letting go. Only then do they sense, the WAS, start to see what they are losing, but the trick is to do it in a loving way. Keep the great work up and enjoy what you have.
Should i be ok with this?I believe her when she tells me things,and she says and i believe her when she tells me she has made a commitment to me,but i just think now i want her to fight for me and do things to reassure me and be sensitive to what happened.
There aren't really any "shoulds" about feelings. You either feel OK about it or you don't. The question is, what do you want to do to deal with your feelings? It is unhealthy to continue to swallow your feelings and needs. It creates resentment. It is a barrier to intimacy. It predisposes you to become a WAS. My guess is that these things you keep trying to bring up come out in interrogation form. It may be more fruitful to put that approach to the side and try something else:
"W, I know you would rather not think about the past 6 months, so would I. I am looking forward to the time when it is not on my mind all the time. Right now, though, I need some support and reassurance while I process my hurt and pain associated with the past 6 months. I get scared that it will happen again. I get scared that I am fooling myself. When that happens, I need to be able to talk to you. I need us to work together to rebuild trust and part of that is going to be you being able to talk to me honestly when I ask you about things. I also need to be able to ask you for reassurance. This is so hard for me. I get paranoid because you don't want to change the phone number. I need to be able to express that fear and hear reassurance from you. I don't want to keep walking on eggshells and I don't want you to either. It will be hard, but we need to work to get to a place where we can simply be open and supportive toward each other and where we can rebuild trust. And, for me, that means that I really need you to be an open book for awhile as I gain confidence in our R..."
The point is, come from a positive place, talk about you. Don't make it a session filled with bitter, angry accusations.
DBing is NOT about ignoring your own feelings and your own wishes for what you want in a healthy R for life.
... but the fact that her boss is related stills bugs me and just think that that will continue to be a constant reminder of what happened.Should i feel bad for asking her to quit her job???She really loves her job,and its the only real job she has ever had,but in my opinion a job should not stand in the way of a happy marriage..
I think you are looking to control things because of your own insecurity. What you need to do is to insist on making the changes in your R that you need to feel secure and quit trying to control her and what thoughts may cross her mind.
If you want to prevent the environment from triggering thoughts of the OP, let's see, the first thing to do would be to get rid of your own presence. The guilt she has because of how she treated you no doubt reminds her of him. Then, I guess, you'd have to censor all her music, TV, movies, books to those that came out AFTER the A and weren't even announced during the A. After all, you don't know which of those are associated with them. Also, of course, any stores, restaurants, parks they went to would have to be off limits. Any stretches of highway they drove on together... You get the idea.
Her boss is not the cause of the A. If you need reassurance that keeping the job will not bring her in contact with OP, ask for it. But quit trying to control her life and how her mind works. Instead, address your insecurities directly by addressing them IN YOURSELF.
I'd suggest you reread or read DR on how to handle the aftermath of an A during reconcilliation.
Right now, you aren't doing yourself, W, or your M any good by trying (NO DOUBT UNSUCESSFULLY) to hide your anger and resentment.
Thanks so much for chiming in here OT, Totally agree with you here,and since i could never get it all out i should write down what you said in a letter...maybe not. Like i said,My W is really sincere about US,and i believe her,and your right it is my own insecurities coming in here,but i just wanted her to be a little more sensitive to what i have been through here. One thing that has really been hard is that i know my house was entered by 2 Op.We went and bought a new comforter and things,but that has been the hardest thing to deal with..I work the 3rd shift,and dont want to think about these things anymore...I really havent a whole lot..like i said things have been going so great to where i kNOW my W is committed to me for life now,im just scared of the situation if it were to arise if someone were to try and contact her..how would she handle it..i want her to stand up for me,and tell them to never try and reach her again.She says nobody is going to call her,and when i brought things up the other night i could definitely see the hurt in her eyes as a tear came down,and she definitely feels bad and guilty about all of this. I did ask and tell her i was scared of this whole thing a little bit.I said to her that it was a little wierd that for 6 months you didnt want to be married to me and didnt love me and it turned around so quickly.She said that she just didnt allow herself to spend any time with me because she thought that is not what she wanted,but once she did..we have had a great time and she never wants to be apart from me I guess time will take care of most of my concerns...i just want her to care about my feelings and yes..give some reassurance every once in a while. DeeJay
From someone who is praying for the same results, let me say congrats! You will need to work on complete forgiveness in your heart. What I mean I agree that you two may need to talk about things, but you also may need to come here and/or find someone to talk too sometimes that you do not hold these emotions in and loose them at the wrong time. Anyway good luck and best wishes!
Hello everyone, Ive been kinda out of sorts for a while and havent posted lately.Well what i heard and read about has come true.The time after you have gotten what you soooo wanted,and now i am constantly second guessing myself and my return home after my W's A. The first month was the greatest month we have ever had in our entire 12 year M,and we still are having some great times,dont get me wrong..i am getting better i think,but the last week i was a total mess!I was constantly asking questions about the A,wanting to know who,what ,when,where..everything...i could not help myself.Here it has almost been 2 months and i still question myself on whether or not i can ever trust my W again.She is telling me all the right things,but she does not want to talk about the A really.She has confessed to it,and some other things,but it seems i always have another question waiting for her.I keep trying to think back when we were seperated and how badly i wanted this.Im hoping this is all normal and hopefully time will take care of alot of things,but i just really wanted to make sure i knew everything before i invested my once broken heart in my M for the rest of my life.I cannot and will not allow myself to go through this pain again.I am having problems with living in my house,when i know she has been with Op there.Her job bothers me because her boss is the Op Aunt.(She is trying to get another job(at my request.) I have told her to please bare with me,that i have bad days from time to time,and actually told her some things that she says help me sometimes.The other day she said she wanted to tell me that she didnt really know what she was doing during that time and felt bad,but she said she didnt want to say anything.I told her that sometimes it helps to hear your Sorry if you really mean it. I am really trying because when i can calm down and take my mind off of things we really have an unbelievable time together. Anyway,just need some encouragement,and some inspiration maybe. And just to show you how hard it can still be,even though my W seems to be trying really hard i am going to share a letter she wrote me last night.
H, Just sitting here out back wishing you weren't sleeping and out here with me.I'm glad that we had a good weekend.I hope and wish that everyday can be like that.I truly enjoy every minute we spend together.I really don't understand why we never had times like this before.It's like I don't want to work or sleep or anything,either of us,because i just want to be with you,talking,laughing and holding each other.I know that you are dealing with alot of feelings,and that i can't understand everything you've been through,and still dealing with.I do care about you and your feelings.For both of us I wish that those 6 months never happened.I know that we needed something to happen because we both say we weren't happy for a while before we split up.I know that i hurt you more,but I was hurting too.I guess for the most part I was in a daze.No matter what i said I never stopped loving you,and i guess you knew that or you probably would have given up.We can't go back and take anything away,but we can make now and forever be the best years of our life.I love you and our daughters more than anything.I am sorry that I hurt you H,I truly am.I promise to never hurt you like that again.I Love You!Just take my hand and my heart and walk forward,and promise to love me forever and never leave.I hope that we can now know how to make each other happy and work out anything in the future;the right way.Well it's time to wake you up! I Love You Baby, W After reading this again it makes me want to go home and hug my W.I hope all these thoughts go away,i hope i can learn to trust my W again. DeeJay
My first thought was...sorry for this...GET OVER YOURSELF (and I mean that in the most friendly, helpful way, lol)!
Damn, and I though I was greedy. What more do you want?
DB teaches us to learn to take responsibility for our own happiness...and I would suppose, our own misery. You seem to be wallowing in misery that is entirely of your own creation, at least today, at almost 10am in the morning, my time. Please, get past this NOW. Yes, I suppose it is normal, but in the end, so too is it normal for people to self-sabotage their marriages and never really do what they need to do to either save it, or maintain it once it's healthy. There aren't so many people on this site (and others I would assume) that are not successful because they apply the techniques and advice perfectly and then fail because their W is pure evil, or sitch is just too far gone. Mostly it's because they naturally (and I mean that! This stuff is HARD to do) don't really follow the advice given, nor do they fully realize that it's up to them and them alone to change THEIR life, and THEIR life is the only one they can really control enough to ensure change.
Deejay, when you first came back here, your posts motivated people to no end. You GOT it so well! Here is an excerpt from your original post to this thread that about sums it up.
Quote: Even after reading the great advice here i still insisted on pursuing and chasing my W.I did this for a good 4 months...Turns out the Op was a true loser and she was not seeing him that long but my insistance on begging,pleading and such drove her away.Just a month ago she was still living her single life and found out about another one niter kind of thing and this finally gave me the strengh to finally let go and stop the pursuit.I all the sudden was a more confident Man..I had other Women pursuing me(never engaged anything)but it made me feel good and My W picked up on this and really started feeling as though she was going to lose me and started to draw closer to me.I ve been staying back home now for about a week,and bring a few things back with me here and there.Things are going great!Better than i ever thought..We have had better sex than we ever had as a married couple(Legally Seperated Feb.06) and just tonite she told me crying that she was SORRY!and that she loved me. I take more than half of the responsibility for our downfall.I was Lazy...took my wife and my family for granted. I never imagined things would ever turn around,and not only that i feel like we are BECOMING closer than we have ever been. I did some horrible things in the beginning of my sitch that probably kept my wife away longer than she wanted.Looking back it was probably just as bad if not worse than the A itself.
You fully realized, or at least SAID you did, what part your stubborness and taking your family for granted played in your downfall. You seem to be back to doing that again. Stop it. You're better than that now. You HAVE your W saying, WRITING, even, things that my W never said to me in the best of our days together, let alone now.
You have to take a look at where you have been and how far you have come and simply decided to put this behind you. IF you truly forgave your W for this, then stop punishing her for it, and also, have you truly forgiven YOURSELF for your part? If not, do that today and then go forward.
Quote: I was constantly asking questions about the A,wanting to know who,what ,when,where..everything...i could not help myself.
BS. You CAN help yourself. That is the man who just couldn't bring himself to DB for so long because he was a victim of his emotions and situation. You changed from that man, didn't you? You CAN help yourself, and you know it. You just have to want to be happy. You have to believe you deserve to be, and that your W does too.
Stop asking questions, especially ones she's answered some version of before. If you need to know, and I mean can't live without knowing something, then compose it, sit down with her one night, tell her this is the last time, and ask all you need to ask. Then drop it. I have NO idea if this goes along with conventional wisdom or not, but it seems like the right thing to do to me.
Quote: I keep trying to think back when we were seperated and how badly i wanted this.Im hoping this is all normal and hopefully time will take care of alot of things,but i just really wanted to make sure i knew everything before i invested my once broken heart in my M for the rest of my life.I cannot and will not allow myself to go through this pain again.
Sorry to tell you, you will NEVER know everything. You SHOULDN'T know everything. You are snooping after the fact and it's just as counterproductive now as ever, maybe more so. OT often tells me that I have to acknowledge the trust and leap of faith it takes a WAS to come back home, and honor that. Not necessarily to trust, but to realize that we're not the only ones taking risks here. Your W is taking a HUGE risk by being with you again, and emotional one. You have to be willing to match her in that.
You will NEVER have a guarantee that she won't hurt you again, but then again, what guarantee does SHE have that you won't...oh...wait...you already ARE thinking about things that would hurt her.
My point is that you both will have the ability to emotionally wound the other and that's just what happens when you are in a committed relationship but to the degree which you are wounded depends not on your investment, but your ability to maintain yourself in your relationship. If you are 100% the relationship, then it's ups and downs, or, God forbid, the end of it will mean the end of you, which of course it would not be.
Quote: I am having problems with living in my house,when i know she has been with Op there.
I get this. On this point, I understand. I would have a hard time with this too. I don't really know what to tell you on this.
Quote: I have told her to please bare with me,that i have bad days from time to time,and actually told her some things that she says help me sometimes.The other day she said she wanted to tell me that she didnt really know what she was doing during that time and felt bad,but she said she didnt want to say anything.I told her that sometimes it helps to hear your Sorry if you really mean it.
You need to do more of this...sort of. I like you opening up to her, and her you. I know it feels like they need an instruction book and if you do it in the right way, you CAN help her help you but you have to realize that most of that help you can give yourself.
Quote: I am really trying because when i can calm down and take my mind off of things we really have an unbelievable time together.
So, doesn't this answer your question, all of your questions? You need to "calm down". Period.
Look, I maybe am being hard on you because I am going through something similar and I am realizing that I am creating much of the problem myself. I am realizing that all that wonderful stuff about detaching and DB flew right out the window once things SEEMED to be getting better.
I now know that I have a long way to go, and looking at your sitch, you are already there for the most part.
If you want encouragement, just read that letter over and over again. That's all you should need man.
From my perspective, you have a wife who has admitted the affair, admitted it was wrong, is being VERY open and answering your many questions with patience and understanding and yet you still don't think it's enough. She's a textbook "after the affair" person in that she seems to GET her part in all this and is willing to acknowledge your pain AND hers, and work with you to get to a better place...hell, you're already there my friend.
Please, take a step back. Realize that YOU control your feelings, not the other way around. You CAN do this. You did it before, and you will do it now. You wanted this too much to allow yourself the luxury of self-pity and wallowing in distant pain. Like I said, yes, it IS natural, but so is 50% of marriages ending in divorce. You want to be naturally happy right now, not naturally miserable. Make that choice...NOW!
From my thread...and please, I just want to reply on yours, I don't mind your posts there.
Quote: I just want her to be understanding,and be considerate of the hell that i have just been through.
Ok, from your last post, I got that she WAS being considerate of what you've been through. Are YOU being considerate, or even acknowledging what SHE's been through. You think this was easy for her? A walk in the park?
I am NOT defending the actions of a cheater, but for you to have her back in your life, you have to learn to define her as something more than that, and that starts with understanding HER pain through all this.
Quote: I feel exactly the same way most times these days.To much to soon.I feel like it was to easy for her(if that makes sense)Here she got to go off and have this A and party hearty for 6 months while i was sitting around crying and feeling sorry for myself and she just gets to walk back into my life whenever she felt like it!##
Have you ASKED her if it was "easy" for her? I suspect if you did she would probably cry a bit and then tell you how HARD it was, even if she was enjoying some time with OM, she was going through HELL at the same time. Was it worse for you? HELL YES, because no matter how bad it was for her, at least she had OM to lean on. I hope you now understand that for the false comfort it was. She never did learn to be happy on her own.
Quote: Sorry for that..those are just thoughts i think we may all have some time.Just venting a little.
Yes, we do, and it's perfectly ok. Vent away my friend!
Quote: Whenever i get like that and ask my W something..Yes she gets angry and defensive some times,but no matter what she tells me about what i asked..good or bad..it makes me feel better.I think the fact that they are willing to give information or tell you something about the A gives you reassurance that it is over.Hell i dont know..it just makes me feel better..that is until a day or two later when i think of something else.
I get that you want her to make you feel better. That is different than wanting her to give you reassurance that the A is over. You should be able to make yourself feel better, especially since what is making you feel bad is likely a construct of your own psyche.
Deejay, once again, I want to say that I am being hard on you because I FULLY understand what you are feeling and feel a lot of the same things. I am as much being hard on me as you.
Please, start to see more positive than negative. I think you already have, but do MORE!
Thanks GH, I just seem to be really depressed kinda lately.Tommorow is my bday and we are supposed to be going away for the weekend,but i keep screwing things up i guess. I seem to be overwhelming myself with vivid images of her with Op,and bad thoughts and it just really tears me up. I mean after a ML session a few days ago,i done somethinig i havent done for months.She had went to sleep and i was eating watching tv and all of the sudden i just broke down thinking of her in the arms of another. I know im in bad shape..and Thank you very much fore straightening me out a little,but to be honest,she is doing and saying all the right things,but i cant bring myself to trust her right now,i dont know..its just kinda like i feel there is still some big secret hanging over our head just waiting to come out.I feel there is something she is keeping from me.For one thing there are way to many triggers for me right now.I mean hell..my own bedroom is a trigger,she left a tv over there,and some poker chips, that the other night we were playing poker with the kids and they asked where they were.Little things like that just trigger these feelings to come back. I know i must sound pretty pathetic,and realize that many people on this board would love to have the opportunity i have.Im just trying to be honest so i can get the right advice maybe,and Gh you seem to always hit it right on the head. Actually yesterday i was feeling some things and my W knew it,but as she was walking in the door i was just finishing up your reply and i went to her and gave her a huge hug and kiss. Im just really giving in to the thought of giving up,for a couple of reasons..I dont want to put her or myself through a lifetime of mistrust in a relationship.That would not be fair to either of us.I want to trust my W,and i think i am just scared to be happy right now.maybe this is normal so soon after all this and i should give it more time,but i know if i keep up this way i will not have a chance to make that decision.I think one of the things i think about is how can she be so happy with me right now?Sometimes i think she knew what she was doing all along...I think she definitely never would have told me had i not found out,and maybe that was her plan...she always would say to me things like..maybe ill feel different in 6 months and so forth.Its like she knew she wanted to just have a little A and come back to me all along.Or sometimes i feel like i was just settled for because it didnt work out. Im insane!!! DeeJay
! To answer your question, I would say yes, it is normal to go through these feelings. But you know what...just let them go. Your W said she wants to forget the past six months...so validate...right? Yes, honey let us forget those three months...and forget them. If she wants to talk about it in the future then listen to her and validate everything, even if you disagree. This is the beauty of DBing, you just continue doing it no matter what. Remember do what works. Act positively and reinforce her positives with more of the same. Da**, what I would give to be in your shoes, but I am just happy for your success 
. You have reached that 5th, and final stage of marriage. I have the images of what it will be like when I get there. You are so right that the key is just letting go. Only then do they sense, the WAS, start to see what they are losing, but the trick is to do it in a loving way. Keep the great work up and enjoy what you have.