Should i be ok with this?I believe her when she tells me things,and she says and i believe her when she tells me she has made a commitment to me,but i just think now i want her to fight for me and do things to reassure me and be sensitive to what happened.
There aren't really any "shoulds" about feelings. You either feel OK about it or you don't. The question is, what do you want to do to deal with your feelings? It is unhealthy to continue to swallow your feelings and needs. It creates resentment. It is a barrier to intimacy. It predisposes you to become a WAS. My guess is that these things you keep trying to bring up come out in interrogation form. It may be more fruitful to put that approach to the side and try something else:
"W, I know you would rather not think about the past 6 months, so would I. I am looking forward to the time when it is not on my mind all the time. Right now, though, I need some support and reassurance while I process my hurt and pain associated with the past 6 months. I get scared that it will happen again. I get scared that I am fooling myself. When that happens, I need to be able to talk to you. I need us to work together to rebuild trust and part of that is going to be you being able to talk to me honestly when I ask you about things. I also need to be able to ask you for reassurance. This is so hard for me. I get paranoid because you don't want to change the phone number. I need to be able to express that fear and hear reassurance from you. I don't want to keep walking on eggshells and I don't want you to either. It will be hard, but we need to work to get to a place where we can simply be open and supportive toward each other and where we can rebuild trust. And, for me, that means that I really need you to be an open book for awhile as I gain confidence in our R..."
The point is, come from a positive place, talk about you. Don't make it a session filled with bitter, angry accusations.
DBing is NOT about ignoring your own feelings and your own wishes for what you want in a healthy R for life.
... but the fact that her boss is related stills bugs me and just think that that will continue to be a constant reminder of what happened.Should i feel bad for asking her to quit her job???She really loves her job,and its the only real job she has ever had,but in my opinion a job should not stand in the way of a happy marriage..
I think you are looking to control things because of your own insecurity. What you need to do is to insist on making the changes in your R that you need to feel secure and quit trying to control her and what thoughts may cross her mind.
If you want to prevent the environment from triggering thoughts of the OP, let's see, the first thing to do would be to get rid of your own presence. The guilt she has because of how she treated you no doubt reminds her of him. Then, I guess, you'd have to censor all her music, TV, movies, books to those that came out AFTER the A and weren't even announced during the A. After all, you don't know which of those are associated with them. Also, of course, any stores, restaurants, parks they went to would have to be off limits. Any stretches of highway they drove on together... You get the idea.
Her boss is not the cause of the A. If you need reassurance that keeping the job will not bring her in contact with OP, ask for it. But quit trying to control her life and how her mind works. Instead, address your insecurities directly by addressing them IN YOURSELF.
I'd suggest you reread or read DR on how to handle the aftermath of an A during reconcilliation.
Right now, you aren't doing yourself, W, or your M any good by trying (NO DOUBT UNSUCESSFULLY) to hide your anger and resentment.
