Deejay, I can't really say that I shed a tear much these days (did enough of that over the past 5 months), but that post did it for me. Sucks that I am at work.
I am SO glad you get it SO much now. I truly hope this is the real thing for you.
Quote: I think this past week we have talked more( NO R TALK!!)just talking as friends for hours on end than we did in our whole 12 years of marriage,and also there has been so much more intimacy...not just to have sex..but just touching each other,hugs,kisses..the past 3 or 4 nights there has not been any sexual encounters,but we have held each other and talked for hours.
This is what really got me because it is what I want SO badly with my W. It is great that you recognize the beauty and importance of this.
Quote: just really cant believe how quickly things have turned around and i am exstatic!
Please, please, please, don't take more than a minute away from your happiness to do this, but keep your eyes on the prize so-to-speak and just understand that there STILL could be little or even big bumps in the road. Now is the time for the MOST work and attention to be paid to your sitch. Be happy, enjoy this time, but DO NOT BECOME complacent! Always move forward.
Quote: There are so many things you realize when something like this happens...dont get me wrong..this was the worse feelings and darkest time of my entire life,and alot of bad things have happened,but i would not change 1 minute of the pain and hurt i went through.For one we are going to end up better than ever,and i know that my wife loves me and wants me and only me,and i feel the same way.If people would just come here before their marriages get to this point we may have less divorce in this country.
Wow, this one got me too because I feel the same way. I am not near the place you are yet but even now, with things still so uncertain, I would not take back the last 5 months. It has been filled with pain and suffering like none other I have experienced in my life but it has also brought with it more awareness and growth than anything else. Of course, I think you are right. If more people came her AND actually put these ideas of self reflection, loving detachment, validation, 180's, etc., there WOULD be less divorce, and many more happy marriages. The key is not just coming here, but participating here and really putting the ideas into practice which is often VERY hard and counterintuitive.
Quote: For everyone out there the one thing i started finally doing towards the end of my sitch,and you will hear it alot around here from GH and many more is VALIDATION!!!!!!!
Amen. So true. When you finally don't need to be right, when you are secure enough in your own identity and opinion to just understand that HER different opinion does not make YOURS wrong, you begin to get it VERY quickly. Validation is so important because it shows your spouse, or anyone else for that matter, that you are a confident, secure person that is truly interested in what THEY say. You are letting them know that your understand and respect what they say even if you go on to disagree. It's a lot easier to accept someone disagreeing with you when you know they actually listened to you and value your opinion.
Quote: And another thing you must be able to do if your S comes back is anything that has happened(You may need to talk and deal with some things)but once you do LET IT GO!!
I would say that the sooner you do this the better. I think actually, it is only when you "let it go" that you can really begin the work of growing as a person and spouse. I am not saying you have to forgive and forget. I am saying that you let go of the anger, resentment, and any other negative emotions that thinking of the "thing" brings up in you. I think that is the first step in detachment and it does a WORLD of good. In your case deejay, I think you just had to go a certain way in your journey before this could happen for you, but when it did, a lot of other things began to fall into place.
Like I said, I am so happy for you and most of all, I hope this sticks and is truly the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in you and your wife's lives. I wish you BOTH the best.
GH
P.S. Since you DO seem to get it now and have such a great perspective on things, maybe offer some words of advice to some of the others here who could really benefit from your advice.
