Wesse, I think you hit the nail on the head. You are right about the insecurity, the trust, the romance, our basic natures as caretakers and strong fixers, as well as their guilt over anything that reminds them of their affair. I completely validate your frustrations. I feel the same way!
JW, I can relate to all of what you are saying. I have so much anger in me over what happened and lack of trust that I'm not sure our marriage can recover. I think you were so fortunate to have found this board when you did as you were able to avoid a lot of the mistakes that I wasn't. I really think too much hurt and time went by where he was checking out and I was grabbing at threads, too desperately. I hate that h shared any of himself with ow, that he won't or can't share with me. I hate that he was willing to destroy my family so that her kids could have a man in their lives. I hate that he resented having to come home and give her up. I hate that he still sees it as me forcing him into submission. I hate it that I cannot trust him nor respect him and he is giving me precious little to work with on restoring that. And most of all I hate it that he gave up.
We have a first counseling session in a couple weeks together. But I am going to see her separately first to discuss some of my goals and concerns. It's not just a matter of romance. It's a matter of non-commitment, and refusal to forgive on his part. It's also a matter of my needs not being met at all, and no concern on his part for them. I've lived without romance my whole marriage. Sure, I'd like it, (who wouldn't?) but I'm more a pragmatist than a romantic anyway. But I cannot live without trust, respect and commitment. That's the cake. Romance is only the icing. I need the cake. The icing is just empty calories, not substance. So, without the cake, the icing is moot. YOU have the cake. Hang on to that thought. Your counselor is right. The romance may or may not come, but you have his remorse, his regrets, his respect for trying as hard as you did, and his gratitude that you didn't give up on him. YOU HAVE THE CAKE. Be patient. You do have his love. hugs, GG
[This message has been edited by GG (edited 02-08-2000).]
[This message has been edited by GG (edited 02-08-2000).]
