I loved the part about once he says something he doesn't feel that he has to repeat it - my H exactly ..... at least when it's something that makes him uncomfortable.
However, he can say the same old boring things about basketball, football, etc. over and over.
Our therapist and my H both suggest that our H's aren't enthusiastic about these things because it makes them feel guilty, foolish, lecherous, shallow, yada, yada, yada... when anything reminds them of their affair.
Because we are feeling insecure right now, we do need more romance and reassurance than would ever be considered normal. I have readily told my H that yes, when it comes to that relationship, I am skewed way left of center now. He finally understands that I am ready to admit that I am a bit neurotic about some things and that reacting in a way that would have been characteristic of me before this experience would mean that I was either pretending or in denial. After all, you cannot shoot somebody and complain because they bleed (borrowed from someone else's post).
I believe that one of the things that attracts our Hs to us is that we are very caring feeling people. Also, it was no surprise to either my H or to me when our therapist described me as analytical. That's how I make my living and understanding people and what makes them tick is what makes me good at what I do. It also makes me love my work. Unfortunately, the characteristics that make me (and you) special, also makes me obsess about how could H have done the things he did.... It makes me so frustrated that he could share intimacies, romance, etc. with her that he can't/ doesn't with me. However well I understand in my brain that he could do this because theirs was a supernatural relationship based totally in fantasy, my heart wants some of what he gave her. She wrote one letter to him complimenting this nonverbal man on his gift for writing and saying such incredibly romantic things (that smarts).
Basically, I understand that in me my H is attracted to strength of character, intelligence, problem solving skills, practicality, motherliness, spirit of adventure, feistiness, and ultimately some physical attributes. My H once stated about me during an exercise at church that one of my best characteristics was my ability to find solutions to problems. Ow's attributes included musical talent, sweetness (perceived), prettiness, and adoration for him (certainly not in that order). She was strong in areas that come much farther down on my list of attributes, but they were what he wanted/needed at the time to make him feel better about himself.
I can get so frustrated with him for being so foolish and for putting so much at risk. Your therapist has hit our situation dead on when she speaks of your H being someone who simply doesn't think in an analytical fashion. I do agree with this assessment, but I don't think you have to be an analytical heavyweight to know that a woman who has been through what you have needs and should get some extra special TLC. I think that when you are not angry you should continue to tell your H what you need from him and to make a really big deal over those things when he does them.
I have accepted that I'll never get from my H the romance that she did. However, I know that I get a whole lot more and that, in the overall scheme of things, what he gives to me is much more important. I think that's true for you, too. One small example... both of our Hs called themselves planning to leave us at a certain time so that they could be with Ms Soulmate. However, considering how intense they thought their love was, they did precious little in furtherance of it. Perhaps my H went farther than yours in that he took a half day and rented an apartment and had utilities hooked up. He actually moved in it for a few days. Your H may have made some job changes to have more time to be with her. But, in doing so, he didn't put himself out much and was all the while enjoying instant gratification form her attention. She may even have come up with the plans. The most aggressive thing he did was telling you about it. My therapist said they tell (or allow discovery) because they want their "fix it" wives to handle this too by jerking them back into reality. I don't know that I agree, but I do take some comfort in how little they actually gave of themselves (except for what they gave so they could partake).
I'd like to read more about your H's strong points. I'll bet they far outweigh the sexual exercise that she got from him. Once, when I was feeling bitter, I made a list of all of my H's strongpoints - something I haven't posted much about. It really helped me. I was surprised to see just how long it was. I then gave it to him because I felt a little sorry for him and how his self esteem has suffered as a result of the affair.
Perhaps, if we all put our heads together we can figure out ways to get these men to be more in character from the romance novels. I was very enlightened by Dr. Harley's HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS analysis in which he says we all fall into the mistaken habit of assuming that our spouses will appreciate the same things from us that we want from them. Our Hs truly don't get what we want, they're embarrassed in the real world to give it to us, and right now they just want to run from anything that reminds them of their affair.
