My H and I had another joint therapy session this evening. My H is very happy with the way things are going between us except that he feels no matter what he does he can not meet my expectations and that is hurting our recovery.
It became very apparent in the session that H is committed to me and does love me but just does not verbalize a lot of things that I want to hear. The therapist explained to me that he is showing me how much he loves me in lots of other ways.
I explained to her and H that I am having problems with all the pain I stuffed down over the last six months that now bubbles up to the surface sometimes and I just don't know what to do with it. I can't share it with H as that only makes him feel worse. The only place I can really take my pain to get it out is here. So the therapist asked me to come in and see her alone a couple of times. She says that I have done a wonderful job and been through an awful lot and it is no wonder I still have some things to work through. My H is very supportive and even told me in the session that he realizes that this was his fault and he did something he never should have done with this affair. He admitted that I had no responsibility in his actions and that he knows it was his fault. No excuses and no trying to blame it on anything or anyone else. I thanked him for that. That coming from him made me feel that he does understand what he did and what it has cost us.
One of my problems is that I have set the goals to high for any realistic chance of him meeting them. You see as I explained to them tonight I was determined that after all I went through and as hard as I worked to save this marriage that I could somehow shape it into the kind of marriage that probably would only exist in a romance novel.
Knowing my H is happy and appreciates the hard work I put into saving our marriage helps too. Without going to a therapist and him having to contribute something to the conversation he probably would never have told me these things. And my H is of the type that once he has said something he should not have to repeat it again. I should just know it. So I guess in the times to come I will just have to remember in my mind that he did at least once say he was sorry, that he loves me, and that he takes responsibility for what happened. That is much to be grateful for even if I only hear it once.
So I have an appointment in two weeks to go back and start getting rid of some of the pain and other feelings that keep bubbling up to the surface so I can get rid of them and get on with our lives.
Its so strange that my H is happy and I am feeling like I need to be fixed now. Like I said to them tonight in therapy everything is so simple to him. He loves me so I am just suppose to accept things the way they are and not try to make him into someone he is not. So that is what I have to try to do.
At least I know for sure we are going to make it through this ordeal and even though he can't be the romantic person that some men can be he does love me and we will be stronger than ever. After all what doesn't kill you makes your stronger, right.
