Lead, Follow, or File... OH MY!

[Fighting4Wife]

Posting a letter I want to send, but doubt I will. Trying to get some things off my chest and maybe here will allow me to do that:

Wife,

It always seem that I write e-mails to you regarding me and my feelings. Part of that reason is because I can review and clearly state what I am trying to say without being flustered. I know that I get flustered because I do not want to say the wrong thing when I am talking to you regarding us. I am choosing this time because I do not want to send this to you while I am away nor when I return.

It is a difficult subject. It is a huge subject. I have tried to communicate this many times but have failed in approaching this from, as you have stated, my "job self". I never meant to treat you like one of the people in my office, but can understand and see how that has come across.

I know you need time to just clear everything off your plate and clear your mind. I understand that and am trying very hard to honor and respect that. It is easier for me I guess because my job affords me time to be able to think. Yours does not afford that, or at least has not for the last several weeks. I would like to share with you some things about me and this whole process that might shed some light into me.

Over the past several months I have been frustrated at why things were not where I felt they should be, when in reality there were exactly where I wanted them to be but was unable to see that because of my fear and failure to totally give to you. In doing that I took the approach that the issue lay in the relationship and placed the onus on you. I was wrong. The approach that I should have taken was to make changes in myself. Accept the fact that you made a choice to be here, with me, with our family, and stay in our marriage. I looked for reasons to find holes in it and nit pick it. All because I could not give you complete trust. That came from me not letting everything go.

I believe I have a clearer understanding of where I need to change to truly give in this relationship. Like I stated before. I am looking at us as a future and not live in our past mistakes. The part of the past that I truly feel I need to remember are the positive in our dating and in our marriage. Every Relationship is going to have peaks and valleys. We have been in this valley for a while. Although we have came out of the valley we have always found something to bring us back to the starting point. I have made mistakes over the past year. I have tried different ways to try and approach the issue but never from the standpoint of personal growth.

Over the past several months I have been a part of a support group online. This is based from one of the many books I have read on trying improve oneself and improving one's marriage. With that support group there have been countless people giving support and advice. The downfall was taking the advice of people in regard to our relationship and recently I have stopped doing that and been looking more into the analysis of myself, my fears, my actions, and trying to work on me. My greatest frustration was trying to expect the same results of others in my relationship doing what they were doing, not remembering that our relationship is ours. It is unique to us. And no-one can fully comprehend our relationship because they are not in our relationship and one person'[s results does not mean the same in our relationship. But when I turn my focus off that and to me, it makes better sense. There were a few in the group that had the courage to confront me on my issues. What they said made sense and hit very close to home. I know who I am and what I am capable of doing and which changes will be easier and which changes will be harder. With that understanding I see where I need to change. Some of those changes is to be able to forget. Forgive I can and have done. Forget is something I chose not to do. In doing so I chose to harbor resentment and that fuels frustration. I need to forget the negatives. Focus on the positives. Quit emphasizing the downfalls and faults and amplify the positives and attributes. Another is to be able to allow differentiate myself, that is to say do not become dependant on others to create my happiness. I create that and is augmented by others. Another is to face my fears and deal with them.

This really hit home in the past two weeks two different times within 2 hours of each other. The first was talking with <Attorney>. In what was supposed to be a "what can I expect talk" turned into a been there and done that talk. We discussed many things about me and similarities in he and I. He, of course, is not a counselor, but has extensive experience in being in counseling and saved his marriage because he chose to change, and he sees everyday issues in marriages and rarely sees where ending one is the best solution, in some cases like I wrote of before it is. It was he that hit the point home that relationships are unique. That only the two in he relationship can make changes that effect a positive outcome by honestly communicating and hearing the other person. By meeting the needs of the other person because in doing so you show honor and commitment and love to that person when you do that. The second was a newsletter from a nationally recognized marriage counselor. In that newsletter, there was a letter and response to a person who was ready to end their marriage. I attached the newsletter. At first I saw you but when I re-read it again I saw me also.

In reading the newsletter is when I realized I was incorporating a lot of what they were saying in my efforts to "fix" our marriage. Where I should have been fixing myself to do "honest and loving giving". At times I did that, but others I did not. The part that struck me the most was the end of the letter.

I also understand from another person in the group that I have been bundling. By that I have not kept incidents or issues separate. I have been grouping them together. Each one is it's own event and needs to be dealt with as such. I did not validate the efforts you have made in each incident then left it as resolved. Example, your efforts to call and let me know what is going on and where you were. You did that to ease my tension and fear. I took that as "it is about time" instead of, "you know what, she does not need to do that...she is doing that for me and I need to be grateful for that." The other was kisses, always judging by the type, length and duration. Instead of seeing the effort to do that and that you did it. All based from bundling and adding them together, not looking at it from a positive angle.

When I see you know I see many things, I highlighted those in the dictionary I gave to you. I also see many issues at play, as you have stated. I was very sincere when I said it hurts to see you this way and hear the comments you make. I know it is not your intention to hurt me, but it is from an empathy standpoint that I do. I understand that I cannot fix your issues at work, that I cannot fix the issues with your Mother and her illness, that I cannot fix the issues with your friends when they come to you with their issues. I know that I can fix the issues with me, but only from the standpoint of changing what I can change. I understand how wrong it was to try and put our relationship issues in front of it all. That again I attribute to bundling, and adding another check mark to the negative column. Placing a greater sense of my importance above other issues. It is that way for me but wrong to assume it is that way for you.

I know that I cannot change the past. I cannot change my actions. I can only continue to change my future actions and how I react. There is no doubt I made the right choice in marrying you. I have no doubt in my mind of who I love. I regret not being able to see you "leap of faith" and since you said that yesterday, I understand and do see where you were doing that.

I hope you can believe these words. They are again from my heart. It is me bearing my most inner self with you. I trust you.

F4W