Being in perpetual thought on this matter, I have come to some conclusions or more questions, I am not sure.
In the currnet state of mind of my Wife, anything that is done by me that is "normal" is going to be seen as a form of pursuit. That is to say if I make a compliment...pursuit. If I initiate a contact (hug, kiss, touch)...pursuit
AOS, WOA, etc...pursuit or one upping! (Example, I was emptying the dishwasher before bed. She came into kitchen with soem dishes. Immediately, while I was emptying the dishwasher, as soon as I completed she was rapidly putting the cups she brought in in the dishwasher and cleaning countertops. She had to make the point she was not going to be "one upped" or so was my take on it.)
To the contrary of pursuit, any detachment I give or space I give is deemed moppy and sulking.
If I opt to take kids out without her...sulking and trying to prove a point.
If I choose to sit and watch TV...sulking and moppy
If I choose to check emails from work on computer in basement...pouting and moppy.
So there is no course of action I can take to appease her. The only course I believe is the safe course is to continue to strive to meet her wishes in changing behaviors she has identified as issues for her and "comfort myself".
At this time I believe the analogy of wife being in a "red zone" is correct. And with her operating in that state of mind, every action is hightened and spun in a way to keep her there. The only action I can make while this is occuring is to not react. That is to say not inflame her stance by defending myself or clarifying my actions.
Interesting information from last night. S10 has been dealing with this as any child would. Lashing out, misbehavior, and seeking attention through those actions. My W had a 20 minute talk 2 nights ago with him, after she unloaded on him for not putting his folded socks in his drawer. I had seen the socks and instead of doing it for him, I left them there. When I asked her after what the deal is with S10 was. She simply replied that she talked with him and sang to him, no big deal.
Well, S10 comes to me yesterday in a great mood. I said it is good to see you in a better mood. He commented he does not feel sad. I ask why. He says Mom and I talked and I feel better. I ask why? He related that mom said he should not be sad about us ending up in divorce. That we love him and it will be alright. She said many kids he knows have it worse. That we probably will not divorce and it will get better. If we do he will be fine.
Any takers on breaking that one down?
I see possibly as a an effort to comfort S10's fears and not address the issue completely with him. If this is the case I believe she is setting up a bit of resentment and distrust from him if D is in the future. She is deluding him, and protecting him (not that it is bad). IMO, Best to have left it at mommy and daddy love you and always will. This is not of your doing and do not think that it is.
OR
She is making a clear effort to shake me up and has taken D off table but will not let me know or is in the process of doing so. Making the point very clear that my actions are causing her issues.
In reality it does not matter b/c it is speculation.
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
