Fighting, you stated some important and thought provoking questions about the pain you are in and then you dissed yourself with this statement
Quote: Just a big ole heaping of "pity pie" here I guess
You are feeling sad for a real reason, a totally legitimate reason. Anyone would feel sad. Those of us here who are in similar sitch's feel sad about our own circumstances, and sad for you, too. Why did you discount your own feelings with that statement? (That's a rhetorical question.)
Don't treat yourself the way she treats you. Treat yourself with kindness. Don't say or think mean things about yourself. Take yourself seriously. Acknowledge and accept the validity of the way you're feeling, okay?
Edited to add: Our posts crossed. EVERYONE needs to read and possibly print out the differentiation thread.
Ah Ha. Yes I am misapplying that term then. If I understand it then enmeshing is placing the whole responsibility of getting my needs met from my wife rather than on my own. Fusion or bonding then would be the joint sharing of meeting those needs together and voluntarily?
Than I need more fusion Mr Scott!
Lillie,
I see your point. I guess sometimes I think, and read from others, that I may be to fixated on my emotions and see it is self-pity. I tend to try and dismiss them as such in an effort to move ahead.
In a normal (again that term is poorly defined) relationship I would be able to say to my wife without fear of ire, "Wife I miss you. I understand your need to apply yourself to your job and am supporting your decision to apply your time and energy there. Just letting you know I miss you." or something like that. But then I sometimes feel that may not be the self assured independant person she wants to "fuse" with.
Tough right now having to go it alone (YES IT MAY BE THAT WAY FOR A WHILE) basically with kids and work. Guess I could use some validation of my efforts from my wife rather than co-workers and friends who have commented in the past days about how amazed they are I can do this for 3 weeks straight out of the year with three boys. Those comments do make me feel better, but not as good as from the spouse or actions that show that acknowledgment. Nothing can compare with that I feel.
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
These terms mean you don't know what is YOU and what is HER. You don't have a sense of a separate identity. When she hits her thumb with a hammer, you shout "ouch!" When she is hurting, you feel you must fix it.
What we are striving for is differentiation... You're here. She's over there. You two meet, touch, interact, share, communicate, etc. but you don't lose sight of the fact that you are two different people (except maybe during really GREAT SEX for a few seconds). You don't do her work, she doesn't do your work.
This is a challenge. And we're all under the sway of that BS myth that says we must "become one." Once you left your mother's womb, that was the last time you should be "one" with anyone-- except for a few seconds during really GREAT SEX and other peak times... there are those moments... I'm not making fun of them. But 99.46274% of the time you are separate and feel separate. When you're separate then you can CHOOSE to be together. When you're enmeshed/fused you're stuck in quicksand, you have your feet nailed to the floor, and you have given up your powers of choice.
Ok I am seeing this. I agree with this. And mostly this enmeshment on my part has stemmed from my fear of abandonment and her betrayal and my internalizing that betrayal and trying to take sole owenrship of it. In doing so I am now trying to be the hero and fix it all.
Where I should be is allowing her freedom as a person (she has stated this before) and my issue with that comes back to Cobra's leap of faith and am I willing to risk losing my wife and not dwell in that what happened and what could happen scenarios.
So is it than taboo to seek the connection on a different level where empathy and caring are shown. Or is that a sign of differentiation?
I would give up anything for GREAT SEX!
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
I'm learning that sometimes it is best for me to sit back and wait for your post. You seem to always be able to find the right words to make things "click!"
This probably belongs on the poetry thread, but it seems quite pertinent here. This is from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, one of the standard wedding gifts (along with a fondue pot) the year I was married the first time (1971).
Quote: On Marriage Kahlil Gibran
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Wife working until 11:00 tonight. We had talked about meeting up for a quick bite with kids, and I called to confirm as S7 has game. That converstaion lead to my emotional downer earlier. She did not care yadda yadda. Well she called on my way home. She has co-worker call in sick and now has no time. I say ok. Then she starts with I can make time here I won't be much fun...yadda yadda "I say it is our life durng this time. I would rather not have to deal with rushing around with the kids to fit that type of schedule. I will see you when you get home. Sorry you got stuck." She then goes into sorry and she is p!ssed it happend yadda yadda, I simply said, "OK see ya later"
So I felt good about it. I felt I supported her by not showing my disappointment. Now only if she woould come home and make it up to me!!!!!!
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
Just an update of the "bad cinema" or "soap opera" as I believe Cobra put it.
All heck broke away. Not only did I jump in the pit. I dug it, jumped in, sold tickets, popcorn, took bets and all!
She has selected D. Or she did on that night. I confronted her and said there is the door. Do not hesitate. Leave tonight. It was UGLY. Not proud. I am ashamed at my actions and all.
I will say one thing. She is still here. Could not get out of driveway. Kids crying and screaming. She came back. She may not stay, and I will wager she will not. It was not a good sitch to leave under. She will bide her time. But as she does that she still will think. I am not going. I have stopped all emotion to this issue.
Cobra once asked if could face the time when she might choose to leave. I am and have.
I have posted on my other thread some more details that I just do not want to rehash again.
Tomorrow I meet with realtor to do a CMA on the house and an attorney after for initial consult. I have started to open a new account for my check and all credit cards in my name and joint accounts are now frozen.
I continue to love my wife, but I hope for this last time I have freed myself from the self inflicted emotional bondage I placed myself in.
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
