Lead, Follow, or File... OH MY!

[Fighting4Wife]

Cobra,

I suspect that you react very similarly to situations where you are backed into a corner or wrongly accused, that is By God, I am not going to take that and fight back. This I am working on. Fighting back in a way that is non-confrontational for the most part. 3 part I statements, focusing on behavior only, etc.

Let e expand a bit on the email situation, I obviously did not communicate well in the post. All schedules were set on Sunday. As Tuesday arrived, she had decided that she did not want to go to S10 game and have to deal with S4 and S7 at the game and the windy day. So she asked if I could just drop them off at her work. I said that I needed to be at field at x time for set up and player warm up. She said that would not do. So I compromised and gave Y time as time. She was still upset. I said I would try and accommodate. So the emails were explanation of how I was going to handle the exchange. Then another situation came up with a meeting and I had to pick up S4 at daycare also. So I emailed her a response to that. The third email was how I resolved the situation of getting S10 home b/c I had a meeting at 7:20 following the game (she was supposed to take him home). In this I do not see the option of sticking to my plans nor just doing it and not keeping her in the loop. The reason for email was the fact she is busy and a call would have interrupted some form of her business day. So I took the approach of sending emails so she could read at her leisure.

I did not make any reference to the fact that she was missing yet another game. S10 was visably disappointed and again I had to explain how busy mom schedule is (basically he reads it as too busy for him, I know that feeling). I believe therein lies some anger and resentment that surfaces.

Yes to the placating, guilty as charged and working on not writing checks I am not willing to cash.

Expectations, Cobra honestly in my heart, there is a difference in perception from what I want as reality and what I perceive as reality. I make the statement trying to stay in the thoughts of no expectations, wherein my reality is I do have expectations. Did that make sense?

As to anxiety, I am not sure yesterday was anxiety as much as frustration and dismissal that created my tension and anger. The anxious moments are more easily controlled when I do not create the issue. There are more intense when I f-up and create issues. Maybe I created the issue, an honestly I did.

How does my wife see my actions? If I could I would think she does not believe a word I say. That all my actions are to create an environment to get my physical pleasures met. She made reference this morning to writing that email about controlling behavior and then creating conflict. Maybe truth, maybe not. It was not my intention.

Frustration is where I am at.

Wife did call a few minutes ago, to request changing again the logistics for kids today. So she can go shopping for an hour for a top for an event. It is not a great big deal, I have practice for S10 and then family dinner for S7 birthday today. Not that I buy totally into the narcissist theory, but I can see that playing a factor here a bit.