Cobra: I do respect your opinions. I went back and read through Lil's post and I am glad that it is there.
Reading Wife issues. What I find is if I do not think clearly through the possible outcomes of my actions then I find myself not making a response that is correct and non-inflammatory. By that I mean I do not communicate the intentions or my feelings well. It turns into a retreat on my part to avoid further conflict. Yes, there is a factor of fear involved there and on some level a fear of my W and her response. I do not wish the discussions turn to a full-blown fight. But rather communication of the issue at hand. I do not obsess on possible outcomes but rather how my response can come across as non-accusational and matter of fact.
If one does not push for repair, if I settle for the status quo, how will things get started on the path of getting down to where we need to be to get issues, fears, etc on the table to work on them. Is it your point here that I continue to be dismissed and placed in the background and accept that fate?
Space, I really believe that is a term now used by people to say leave me the hell alone for an indefinite period of time. I want to sit here and not do a thing. I do not want to address the issues at hand and they will magically go away or they will not. If they do not, we then know this M needs to end. I am not buying that argument as a solution. Space, in my terms of our relationship, means just that. Well how is that making our relationship better? How is that addressing the issues? In essence, IMHO, it means cohabitation and separation in the house. For the record, we did space, she found OM. We did space after, and we ignored the issues. She wants space now, and that has been given her, to the point some days we do not see each other or speak to each other except in passing or in relation to the kids being covered on where to go and be picked up. When I express myself, I am made to be the villain. WTH? Case in point, her words this morning after she went ballistic on S7, he was misbehaving but not deserving of her wrath, "This is all your (meaning me) fault. It is my busiest time of the year. You do not understand that. You do not respect that. You start in with all this reading into crap. I have 30 emails a minute and I am supposed to stop and take time and read all the way through yours? I never saw the ILY at the end. I just answer and move on. You put me in a bad mood."
Again for the record, (not being smug) I have rearranged my workday and schedule to accommodate every facet of her work life for last week and then next two. To the point of my productivity at work being compromised. I am willing to run the house for this time, and am doing well at it. For her to say I do not understand is her really saying I have no time for you, just my job.
Maybe you are correct here on the "rubber meeting the road" the leap of faith. It may very well be that I am fearful of the step of the ledge and letting it all go. Maybe it is that fear that creates the conflict in order to have a "sick" semblance of a connection that desperately is grasping at the relationship. Interesting perspective.
As to the her statement about being here. Yes I have heard it and I do not buy it. It is not acceptable, IMO, to take that stance. I know that I am not in control of her taking that stance and again maybe it is me fighting the fact that is all she can find in herself for this M. But to take the martyr role and have ambivalence to the relationship further fuels the fire of emotional distancing. It is similar to that person who is suicidal. The severe all ties with those close to them that will try and stop their decision to commit suicide. They distance themselves. I see this here from her stance that she will not work, discuss, address, or acknowledge anything about the marriage. In essence Marital Suicide. Is the leap of faith supposed to be just that. I am here, my needs are inconsequential, I am willing to allow this to happen? Oooooh that is a mind jogger!
HD: I see the correlation that you are making and I think I addressed some of those points here in my post to Cobra.
As to my tagline and your statement.
Quote: Is it in the feeling of superiority we have when we can tell our friends and family, "I gave and gave and she was cold as ice"?
Not along those lines as much as it is for me to know that I did give everything I had. I exhausted all avenues. And I think if the time came that it was not enough and she decides to pursue S/D than I can have comfort of mind that I did try, that I did not leave a stone unturned. Not for spite or "Ha! I tried" but rather, I tried and it was not enough. The 10 fold in return MAY not come from my Wife. It may come from someone or something in the future. I desire it to come from Mrs. F4W, no doubt about that.
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
