ok just flipping through change your man (seeing as how I haven't read it) it says something about being a product of your childhood theory
this is what it says thats how he grew up another reason you might believe your partner is incapable of real change is that you've convinced yourself that people are merely products of their upbringing. According to this theroy, as impressionable children we observe our parents, how they interact with each other, how they treat us, and we mimic what we see.
it goes on about this a bit and and then says we are definately influenced by our upbringing but researchers have become fascinated with the question of why is it that some people growing up under extremely adverse conditions such as poverty, overcrowding, vilonce, drug abuse and emotional or phyusical abuse become debilitated by their experiences while others rise above adversity. it continues Broad epidemiological studies, they say, don't explain why one girl, sexually abused by a relative, become and unwed mother or a prostitue while another becomes Oprah Winfrey or May Angelou. Retrospective studies can't explain why one man raised in a harsh crowded household in impoverished Richmond, California, becomes addicted to crack cocaine and dies of AIDS while his younger brother - Christopher Darden - graduates from law school and goes on to prosecute OJ Simpson - its time they see to see what the Dardens and Winfreys of the world have to teach us.
Stevn Wolin has written a book called The Resilient Self: how survivors in troubled families rise above diversity, which states that although children growing up with alchoholic families have a higher change of developing alcoholism than those in the general population, 70% will not become alcoholic. They also say that growing up in a physically abusive family does not guarantee you will abuse your own children, far from it 70% of those whoe were abused will NOT become abusive parents. This is what I have personally believed for a long time - I have never subscribed to the product of your past theory - and always felt that someone ought to look at those individuals who did not become a product of their past but became the total opposite so neither of you are your history or family
now I just found this awesome quote for eveyones fridge door in the book After he tied 9,999 times to perfect the light bulb and hadn't succeeded some asked Tomas Edison if he was going to have ten thousand failure he answered I didn't fail I just discovered another way not to invent the electric light bulb.
now there is another bit called You Take Over most women tell me that n the early years of their relationshop things were better, their partners were more involved, responsibilities more equally divided then somehow things changed, Michelle found that there was a point when the woman began to do more and the men backed off the more they backed off the more the women did. Guys tell Michelle tha everytime they do something around the house the dishes making beds vacuuming they receive unsolicited instructions about how to do it 'right' based on their nmeed to feel competent they don't appreciate being corrected and feeling incompetent. now this reminds me of something you said Xue a long time ago about the business you and your wife are in so I guess we can change the environment from home to work here.
now this bit is interesting Why does he have to be so dam controlling, he's always telling me what to do and always has to be right
it goes on to say men like to be in control, but for woman its hard to have a team when the only players are the coach and the water boy. it continues that testosterone, is responsible in part for the agressive behaviour, males in most species are wired to be on top of the pecking order will do what they must to get there and stay there. it says that is why discussons become competitions. It also says boys are conditioned and socialisd to have a controlling attitude and behaviour and at work they need these skills but when they come home they have a hard time switching it off. These days women want their men strong but they don't want dictators they want collaborators, open to suggestion, we want men who dont equate being wrong with being weak and we want to be appreciated and valued as people we want equal relationships but want to work the remote (for the tv) sometimes too. it says the worse you can do with a control freak is challenge him head on.
now some of the tips she gives say focus on what you want and not what you DON'T want having a quick flip through the book I am beginning to think it may not be such a bad idea to order it and give it to her with a big smile on your face
it is very much written like the DB and DR books easy to read nothing nasty for men in it but is basically bottom line - changing the womans behaviour to get the behaviour from the man she is wanting anyhow have typed way to much but I think from her comment humour is definately the way to her heart
bye the way he rang (twice) this week we spoke for almost an hour and he was very funny and told me a story about picking up this girl at a truck stop (me) and then she disappeared off the face of the earth and he didnt know where to find her - I told him he should think about it and would probably find her where she had always been as I believed she hadn't gone anywhere and had been looking for him too.
good luck Xue don't know if I managed to help here but just typed some things I found interesting in the book - that I really ought to read some day soon
