Well we had a great date Friday night. It was a great concert (Rob Thomas, Jason Mraz). Didn't really expect to like both performers but they both were awesome.
I was a bit jealous of the couple that was with us. They've probably been married 25 years and looked like they just fell in love. Maybe they did. I get the feeling they've been through it though. I'm pretty sure that everyone that gets to where they are must.
I'm thinking at this point we are really completely down to one issue. It's fading but still there. The idea that for a woman to truly be independent and strong she must be single.
I believe we have solved everything else to a workable degree. Maybe even the question of children.
I've been wanting to give a quick synopsis so here goes.
Married coming up on 8 years In turmoil a little over two We've never really fought but have learned to when we needed to Our situation was strange but the process has been the norm. Best way to explain it is if you were to think of us as inadvertently becoming involved in a kinda cult like mafia. When we left there was big trouble. So in addition to the regular old stuff (financial pressures, family pressures, societal pressures) we had this group of people that wanted us gone (sounds paranoid I know) We pulled off some incredible accomplishments under extreme pressures to get out of the situation and finally now, 3 years later, we are escaping the financial pressures. A series of deaths that affected us immensely. The first death was my mentor and this is what put everything into a tailspin and changed our world Then one of W's close friends was murdered. I lost one very close friend to cancer and another to suicide. A few more on top of that to natural causes but all in a very short timeframe. W already had a terrible fear of death, this didn't help
We were both terrible at relationships knowing what I now know. She was terribly controlling and a terrible pessimist. Very explosive temper and always negative. I was the eternal optimist and when my ideas were shot down I was very creative in my revenge, making her feel stupid and unworthy.
When we married we had a 5 year plan, we were going to discuss kids at that time. Things went south the month before. Coincidence? No
There was no affair but it was damn close. At first she said she never loved me and really loved an old boyfriend. It was when she saw this boyfriend that things got bad. I am quite certain (I think) that there was no affair but all the signs of it were there. Not physical signs like phone records and such but more the way she acted.
Started counseling Jan 05. Counselor did a great deal of damage. She announced her own D only weeks after we started C. We continued to got to her. She convinced W of all kinds of crazy things. Very feminist movement stuff.
Separated mid Nov 05 ( found this board a few days later) Started DB'ing. On Thanksgiving we had a blow out but still went to dinner at her parents. That night she told me that even though it was over between us she wanted me to still be part of her family.
Next day she showed up and hung out for a few days.
That became a pattern, she would stay and then go.
Even now she still will say she is going to go to her place occassionally but ussually doesn't.
I believe we have solved all of the R problems. We have both changed dramatically. We are best friends. We do everything together ( I try to make sure we have separate time) We talk a great deal and have a lot of great quality time.
We're at a point now where our issues of disagreement are actually becoming something to joke about a little. Not solved but they feel lighter.
But from her comments this idea that to be her best self and develop to her highest potential she must be single still lingers. Her actions show that she obviously wants to stay and loves me very much. But she does not want to give in on this point. And I don't want her to give in because she will always feel like she has given in and our marriage will not reach it's potential.
This idea has been strengthened by the audio series "Women who run with the wolves" which I think is very misinterpreted.
She lives with me now and has even changed her language to "us". But there is no intimacy. She still sleeps on the couch. She is still holding out.
I have pulled away and this helps. We are in a state of comfortable. But I am not comfortable. I know if I pull away hard she will panic and come after me. I have seen hints of this. But I want the core issue solved so that she knows she is on the right path.
Whenever the subject of other couples splitting comes up she always thinks the woman should leave and go become a strong woman. This is the constant. Yesterday we had a discussion on this and she agreed with me on some of my ideas on this. She's had this idea that we could be partners and her strengths over me and our relationship would be the same. Have her cake and eat it too sort of thing. We talked aboout other couples and marriage dynamics. Several couples where it is obvious that the man would not be succesful without the woman's guidance but with her he is a powerhouse. Another close friend of mine who has the potential to be very successful but needs a womans guidance. W has always suggested getting an assistant to keep him in line. I made the point that it would never work because he wouldn't listen. Only a wife has that power. If she isn't doing him she has no say in the matters. We talked about R dynamics and how couples work together to be succesful even if the W is a housewife. Doesn't matter.
I am hopeful that we at least put some question in this long held belief of hers that our R would be the same if we were not married. Strange fantasy belief I'm sorry to say, but nevertheless a belief.
I know we are butting heads on this point but I'm not sure where I can give on this. Hopefully the humor coming into it will dissolve it.
We have an outstanding R otherwise. Except I am getting weary. Sometimes now I feel as if my own love for her is dying. I know this is not right but it's a feeling that creeps in sometimes. More so in just the last few days. I have always craved her body. I am becoming less interested. I worry about this because I know I love her. Just don't feel it all the time anymore.
