Ronnie you did great and I am very proud of you!!!!
Sounds like you had a real good first session with your SBT therapist. Hopefully you have found someone that is going to be a wonderful therapist for you. I was seeing our SBT therapist alone for 5 months before my H decided he wanted to stay in this marriage and we started joint therapy sessions. In some ways I prefer seeing the therapist alone because I am more comfortable about opening up and saying things I still can't say in front of my H.
You did great talking to your H quietly and without bring up relationship stuff. Its important that you be understanding of the stress he is under and be supportive. Never criticize. He will notice this new and different way you talk to him. It is going to take time for your DBing to work but if you can quit the begging and pleading you will see positive results. There is still hope in your situation so hang in there and keep working at it every day. I will be thinking of you.
Don't forget to go over to your thread on the MLC forum and give everyone an update. They are waiting to hear about your SBT session.
JW and everyone else: HELP! Found out today for sure that h ..it is the big hospital gossip both here in town and at the other hospital where h works most of the time. i called him on this tonight (BIG MISTAKE) he was even at his place when he called me. told me to stop bothering him and he doesn't have to tell me anything. he asked what i wanted and i said the truth and he said he is afraid of my behavior and that i would tell people...of course everyone knows but he thinks they don't. found out this has been going on for months and she left her h and kids for my h...then he hung up on me. i paged him..(another mistake) and he called back and said i should see a lawyer...sure here in ny he has no grounds to file and her divorce is probably almost done and he wants to go out with her in public...they have to be careful now or she will lose visitation. he has told his cousin he doesn't care if he has to give me more than half of everything and take care of me forever....he is unhappy and is NEVER coming home. what do i do...take off my ring...file...die...and the worst part is i would take him back but he would probably do this again...i am not strong. there is no life without him and the children. i am crying too hard to write...i wrote on the other thread on MLC about something like "To Ronmom"....i am so unrealistic....i think i knew all this deep down inside but couldn't admit it...and then after the SBT appt. yesterday and this morning i felt so confident there was hope but there is none. guess it is time to read the thread about divorce....i would rather die.
My heart goes out to you. When my H left, I struggled to live from one minute to the next. My older children rushed home from college and sat up with me all night just like it was a wake. We talked about the most personal things and did some intense bonding. Without them, I truly don't know what I would have done. Approximately 72 hours later I was talking and reminising in a totatally unthreatening way with my H. I found myself doing all the right things to show him how pleasant being with me could be. We were heading home down an interstate highway (after having moved one child out of college accomodations). He was so involved in our time together that he missed an exit he's routinely used for years!
I had felt so incredibly weak and incapacitated. Several weeks later - after he'd come home- I found out unexpectedly one morning that there was an ow. Simultaneously, I learned that ow was a mutual friend who is a leader in our church and involved in most of our social activities. Suddenly, all the strength went out of me, and I sank in a shapeless heap onto my kitchen floor. I have never before or since known such anguish. Mercifully, I was alone for the next few minutes until I could breathe again.
Within minutes a course of action presented itself to me. Temporarily strength came back although for several days I know that I functionned purely from years of habit. Almost miraculously the answer had come for us.
We never know when the answers will come to us. For me the right course was revealed to me during the deepest moments of my despair and desperation.
Again, I'll ask that you take care of yourself so that you'll be ready and able to respond when the time is right. Also, nurture your relationship with your other family members.
Without my children, I could not have lived through pain of those first hours when he actually left home. Incredibly, when I found out about the ow (whom I'd suspected in my gut for some time without any logical reason that I could identify then or even now), the pain was even greater. But it was at that time that relief came to me. I do understand that you are truly suffering now, and I wish that I had the right words of comfort for you.
I hope that your family will be supportive and encouraging. Your feelings of weakness, emptiness, and inadequacy have nothing to do with the real you. They are products of the horrible ordeal you are experiencing. Just hold on.
From my own experience, I have become a true believer that "the darkest hour is just before dawn."
Ronnie my heart goes out to you for I know your pain. Right now is probably the worst you will feel throughout this whole ordeal. I remember not being able to eat, sleep, or even think clearly. What I can tell you from my experience is it does get better. Wesse is right that it seems to be the darkest just before the dawn. Hang in there for the dawn.
I think it is a good thing that in your state it will take your H at least one year to get a D. Make him wait it out. Don't help him in any way to achieve that goal if you don't want it. If he goes to an attorney tell your attorney to do whatever he or she can to stall. Lots can and will happen in a year. Your H may wake up or the OW may decide that visitation is not enough with her kids and go home.
One thing you need to understand is what your H is doing has nothing to do with you. You did not cause it or fail him in any way. This was his choice and is his journey. It is the things that are wrong with him that allowed him to behave this way.
One thing the others shared with me is that once the affair is known to the spouses it begins to lose its attraction for the spouse. Then the relationship between the two cheaters begins to rapidly fall apart. I was told just keep DBing and his other relationship will fall apart. And you know what it did. So come here with your pain, fear, and all the other stuff. We will be supportive and do all we can to help. Do not let others who have not been where we have been tell you how you should feel or what you should do. They really can not understand.
My prayers are with you tonight. Please take care of your self. You are a wonderful wife and mother and are fighting hard to do the right thing. That is something to be proud of.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 02-03-2000).]
JW and Wesse: thanks for te info. i am not certain about life right now. i talked with h's cousin this morning (she is my friend) and he called her last night and is worried about me.he still insists it is only a deep and special friendship and no sex...that they are ot doing anything which would get them into trouble..(i wish i could remember exact working)...that she can see her kids whenever she wants. he keeps asking his cousin why i don't file..she tells him because i don' want to. he still says he isn't coming back. he also says he can be with friends and do things and with whom he pleases. being realistic...this is his third ow (that i know about) first one 22 years ago...then five years ago when we were separated...same scenerio...good friends...then the sex after he moved out...so is this really MLC or stupidity on my part for wanting him back. i still have not talked to him. he is very afraid that i have painted a cruel picture to the children. he is the one who insists they are adults. yes, i wrote to them and told them i had foud out there is definitely ow...and i talked with them each yesterday. they are angry and supportive...and none of them wanat me to work it out if possible (which it probably isn't). this ow has her hold on him with her sweetness etc. (look at ginny's thread on i Need Support...i wrote on that this morning quickly. needed to think before i wrote on this one.) i would have been mean and nasty and said things i shouldn't if he had called last night. i passed him on the road this morning and called on his cell phone and hung up before he answered...decided he has to call.
i know JW's h never really left...and Wesse...sounds like yours only left for 72 hours...even though there was ow in each situatuion, you at least had chance to work on dbing with h...i don't...the other woman does. as much as i would like to call her h and even her..i wouldn't do that. ordered caller ID so i can see when he calls and from where.he told his cousin he still wants to see me this wekend and do the taxes...should i...i feel like i can't look at him right now. why do i still love him if he has done this to me again...i wrote to a male friend last night...someone who was my h's best friend in medical school 30 years ago. he and his wife are separated and she and i have been e-mailing for a while. she is a bit vindictive and sometimes her e-mails scare me. this guy wrote to me in response to the holiday card about our daughters getting married....so we have started writing...and i have told him what is happening and he confided in me. last night i asked him why guys, especially doctors (% is very high) do this...and he talked about his situation and said he felt sometimes he came home to a bitchy wife who ws not flexible, was worried about mundane things...nagged...etc...sounded like the world i created...and it finally hit home..but still...i can find solutions..only h wants out (defintely, totally and NOW...TODAY)...so with that attitude, how can even expert dbing help bring him home...i know, i should db to take care of myself..but admit it girls...the reason we do it is to save our marriages.
Please write.
my heart was breaking. all i want is for h to mend his ways but i think he is really serious..and i refuse to go to the thread about surviving D.
i know there are no promises but fouryears ago next week we moved here on his promise to be best friends again and work on this...and although i failed in many ways...he failed to keep his end of the bargain big time.
also..must decide which therapist to continue with...the closer one who is NOT sbt or the one 90 miles away who is sbt...what do you think.
ronnie
[This message has been edited by Ronmom (edited 02-04-2000).]
Hey guys. i know on the weekends you special people who have your h's at home don't check the bb...but i thought i would try. how i wish to be on this board...but the chances get dimmer by the day. i was fine at work today but en route home from school i fell apart and have been crying for hours. called one friend to go for dinner but she too was exhausted from the week of teaching...called h's cousin...i fell apart. she called him tonight. asked again to consider...he said he wants out...wants to be free...wants to be friends...he is my best friend...i want to talk to him about my week...my life...how much i love him...am sorry for creating an uninviting environment....but he has not called since wednesday when i found out about ow. he still tells cousin it is a friendship and he wants it like that. who knows. i am glad i didn't talk to him and be angry and say things i would regret...but what do i do now. if he does call and wants to do the taxes tomorrow night like discussed..should i do it...and be sweet and wonderful...and then when he asks why don't you file...what do i say. HELP ME out there...i am holding on because you all have given me the courage to hold on...you all did and your stories seem as bleak...but like i wrote before...being this is the third ow in 30+ years...is it a pattern that could stick me again at age 60...or is it salvageable. his cousin says there is no hope he is so definite...but my gut, my heart...tell me to hang in there..what do i do...do i wear my ring..i didn't yesterday and today but put it on tonight...i feel like a school girl and a bad breakup...so immature...and heartbroken...h thinks i should get on with my life...he wants to 'move on...hates being in limbo...wants to be free'(to do what)...and i want not to do anything until after second daughter's wedding in late october...and inbetween hope and pray he sees the light...i am so lonely...no friends...couples don't want you around...
hey guys. things are getting worse. check the posting on this forum the thread is 'keeping ronnie a float' but just to tell you...h is going to file. that is what he told his cousin last night. i am not capable of getting through this. you all want me to be strong but i can't. i miss him so that the pain is killing me. i know i am foolish...sick...(after 3 times in 33 years he has had ow) and can not understand why this is happening (no, i do...he is unhappy with our marriage...he is clear about that and he wants a new life) and might never understand. all i want is a year and a chance but he says to his cousin that h and ow must be careful and not take risks that would hinder anything (meaning adultry for him and no visitation rights for her...remember she left her h and kids...but she is legally separated so she can date...he can't)...i just want time. he says he has tried and we have had time....and he wants out. i can't win at this one...
RonMom, You probably can't stop the divorce if your H really wants it, but if he has had three OW, this probably won't turn out to be the love of his life. Maybe by the time he comes crawling back, you won't even want him anymore! I know that probably doesn't make you feel much better at the moment. Try to force yourself to keep busy even if you don't want to. It will keep your mind off things. I have to go to bed. I'll be sleeping in church. I have no idea how it got so late! Hang in there!
