Ginny: I am not doing well. I can't get out of the pit. H stopped by tonight and he asks me 'so what are you going to do' and that presses all my buttons and we begin the relationship dance. he clams up and doesn't talk and i go on and on...into the beg and plead mode. when he called tonight it is the same thing. all i want is a chance. he said bluntly he isn't coming home....yet when he left he told me the other day he figured he would be home...and again it is 'if it could work it would be the easiest thing...but what if it doesn't' and i say we need to try...and he says he has...and we go around in circles. i am so alone. i am a spiritual person. my rabbi here is not compassionate and i am doing the faith thing on my own which is not easy. i have made some friends (single women) but hate crawling into bed at night and being alone. h knows all this. i tell him all the time. all i want is a chance...to begin, let's go skiing....etc. we have to do the taxes and will do it over the weekend...either saturday night or sunday...could be a big chance for me. i go to SBT person tomorrow. i asked h to go too and he thinks all this therapy is a waste since i have not moved out of my depression. he says he hates being in limbo and wants to move on. i ask what that means and he says, 'you know what that means.' he never says it. he knows i want to be his friend and his lover...and i know anything now has to come from him. do you see your h. this is such a small town and everyone is a couple or strange....and since we moved here four years ago to 'save our marriage' i didn't make friends since h said we would have friends together and do things together. when did this all begin to fall apart i ask him. no response. i asked him if he was scared. he said the only thing he is scared of is me and how i react to things. he says he doesn't want to hurt me or make me cry. but i tell him he is hurting me. he might as well shoot me. i know i have hit rock-bottom...but i have no energy or desire right now to climb out...i am stuck...where i was four months ago one month into this. i still cry all the time. all night i am alone. i miss my children and most of all him. i told him the children are creating their own families and he is my family. then he will say he has to get off the phone.
please give me more help...all the time...i can't do this alone and i feel so alone.
