Ronnie did you read the latest post on this forum from JohnK. Over and over it is the detachment from the spouse while you are becoming the person you want to be and doing all those 180's that seems to work in getting our spouses to take another look at the situation.
So again don't keep telling him that it can be fixed or that you want him to try. He knows that and telling him again just pushes him away. Instead keep doing the 180's and detach, detach. Concentrate on your kids and the example you are setting for them. You have already learned alot and come a long way. Keep up the good work.
Hi folks! I am still finishing up last minute details of daily life around here before I go on my trip. I set up an email acc't that you can reach me at while I'm on the road. I don't know how often I'll be able to keep in touch, but I will try. Here's my address: windsurfer919@hotmail.com Feel free to contact me if you want to.
In the meantime, h and I are getting along. I promised him I wouldn't pick any more fights with him over the ho. We've been meeting at the main lobby rather than the entrance to the bldg where I always run into her. And it helped that my best friend made me realize that my reactions are part of the problem. Everytime I bring her name up into our conversations, I give her pemission to be inside my life (and since I want her OUT, I must keep her OUT.) In other words, stop focusing on HER. How many times have I advised all of you to do that same thing? It is much harder to do than to say, huh?
However, yesterday, her brother sat 2 feet away from us at lunch. His voice and intonations are just like his sister's. And he has the same buldging eyes, bucked teeth, and thinning hair. Yuk! Just can't seem to escape that whole fam damily. But, I didn't vocalize my frustrations this time. And tried not to let it ruin my lunch.
Anyway, I've got to run, h wants to surf the web tonight. And I've got a few more things on my "to do" list for tonight. Talk more tomorrow. Thanks for listening! GG
Hi Folks thought I would let you know I am hanging in there and we are progressing although slooowly.
I was geting frustrated that things just were not happening as fast as I wanted which translates into my H was not being as loving and attentive as I thought a betrayer should be when he realizes all that he has done to you. After a couple of days of me not being my cheery self my H asked me to please get happy again because my sadness was killing him. So I took another look at the situation and reminded myself the therapist told us both to treat our relationship as a very fragile thing right now. So OK I picked myself up and chewed myself out. Now I am doing fine.
Patience is still key when it comes to putting your marriage back together. I hope that in time my H will want to please me enough to do the little things I want him to do. Last night we talked a little and I asked him to explain to me why after years of asking him to bring me a flower once in awhile he still doesn't get it. So OK he is not the romantic type but when he is given a map and directions and has the time and the money why can't he just do it? He said he doesn't know why. OK so I will keep trying to teach him.
But honestly things are going well. I think we are learning to be each others best friends all over again. He acknowledges that he had a MLC even though he never though it would happen to him. He had seen others go through it before and used to think they were nuts and it would not happen to him. He swears it will never happen again and I won't ever have to worry about what he is doing again. He doesn't talk about his relationship with OW unless I ask him a question and then he does answer it honestly without getting upset. He says he understands that it is going to take me awhile to put his betrayal behind me.
For those of you who know my H is an insulin dependent diabetic with some vascular disease developing I have a little good news. My H now wants to quit smoking. It is essential to him if he wants a chance to watch the granchildren grow up. Nothing he has tried before has worked. I started talking to people about this problem and was told of many who had quit with the help of hypnosis. Our therapist recomended someone to us and H has an appointment next week. I think he is more motivated this time to quit because of his health problems and because he really wants a particular new vehicle. He knows that if he quits smoking that alone will free up enough money to buy the vehicle and pay insurance on it. So lets all keep our fingers crossed that this works for him.
I think this is probably long enough for now but I will be back after we listen to tape 3 and 4 of the Keeping Love Alive tapes.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 01-22-2000).]
Hi JW, I am really impressed w the way you handled your recent dip in PMA!You are doing a great job and have come a long way in a short time!
You and I must remember that DBing is a life long process and we must keep at it or our relationships will slide back to where they were pre DBing!
Listen,I know you want the hearts and flowers(I do too).But,for GOd's sake,JW,buy yourself the flowers...every day if you like.Don't turn it into a power struggle.
Your H has given you the greatest gift possible,HIMSELF!Just a few months ago you would have given ANYTHING to get your H back! Sweetie,you have WON...he has given up the OW for YOU! Now enjoy him and lighten up,OK! Your old friend...Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 01-22-2000).]
Jenny you are exactly what I needed right now and you are absolutley right. I am going to fight harder to keep my PMA up. I will do what I was doing before he gave up the OW which is taking care of myself and making myself happy.
I did buy a couple of flowers while grocery shopping this evening and you are right again about buying myself as many flowers as I need. I am going to try to do it too. There is a large super market with a florist section that I can stop at on Mondays before work and put fresh flowers on my desk every Monday. I can do this for myself.
My H says all the right things when asked but most of the time he is his quiet self. Never was a talker though just like a lot of men. I wonder all the time what he is thinking about. Does he miss her, etc,etc. Probably don't want some of those answers anyway. I have figured out that their relationship went from good buddies at work to something more at least 2 and maybe 3 years ago. The length of their lying and cheating bothers me. I am remembering times 3 years ago that his actions are now explained by what I know now that I didn't know then.
One thing I am learning is that I have to let go of all of it. The past is the past and I got to figure out how to leave it there. It would be easier if he was not so darn quiet.
Jenny how are things going for your and your H. Is it as slow going there as it is here? I hope you are finding some peace and happiness. You deserve the best life has to offer. Thanks for being here again exactly when I needed you.
Wanted to share with you this e-mail I received from my H today. He is so positive that we are going to be Ok. I find his message is making feel much better. Such a long way from where we were at 6 months ago.
From my H
I know I haven't been a lot of the things you want me to be but I am trying to. I do love you and I will try harder in the future to be better OK? in the meantime our relationship will continue to grow for the better. We have a lot to be thankful for and we will make it just wait and see. love you c-ya later ok?
Love John I'm smiling and will reread this whenever I feel a little down.
All, Hi! I'm in the east, freezing, but it's a nice change. Lots of thinking going on, and I've read a couple books.
JW: Hand him a copy of "Light Her Fire". I finished it yesterday. I must say, I agree with a lot of it. I am going to get "Light His Fire" next. Why don't you buy them both, and read them together? Might be kinda fun to surprise each other once a week or so....
Jenny, Good to hear from you!!! Yeah, patience is something I am really low on right now, but I'm trying to refill my tank.
Take care all. I don't have access to my regular email acc't from here, but can be reached at windsurfer919@hotmail.com if you care to write me, I'll reply. hugs, GG
Hi GG and all. Greetings from sunny California. My H and I are doing well. It took a while for me to realize that things were not going to be perfect right away.
It seems that H just needs some time and that given that time he will become the husband I want him to be. I have learned that patience and pma is still very important. And Jenny you helped remind me that I shouldn't wait on him to do things that make me happy especially if I can do it myself. So I do buy myself flowers and continue to be good to myself. It really helps.
I had a good day today at work and H is real excited about our daughter getting married on Valentines Day.
I hope all of you are doing well also. DBing is a lot of work but not only does it help save our marriages it also makes us feel much stronger and better about ourselves.
Hi, I've been reading your posts in this topic. You and H sound like you are really on the road to recovery. Pat yourself on the back for the patience you have had up until now. The e-mail made MY heart melt; so short and simple, yet so sweet and reassuring. How wonderful for you.
I also loved your idea of getting yourself flowers. I just may try that myself. I can only imagine what my H would say when he asked where the flowers came from and I told him they were from MYSELF! He'd definitely think I'd have flipped my lid. I just may do it anyway!
Have yourself a great weekend. Just basking in someone else's success...
