Sorry I have not written in a day or two. I am visiting friends. left H a 'see ya' message off I went. Met with daughter and her fiance and his parents yesterday. The wedding will probably be 2001 unless they can find a place for this fall. I wa quiet most of the time as his mom is the party planner type and we are all sharing inthe cost. Anyway, daughter said she was hurt her dad wasn't there. He gave a lame excuse, 'i have things to do.' when i go home tomorrow i decided i will not call him. he can call me. i am just so frightened about what path to take in my life. i would have these fears even if he was living at home and the marriage was working. i have always made excuses...kids needed me since his schedule was bad...didn't have to work so i could volunteer...whatever, anything not to make lifetime decisions. my parents made them when i was young and then h made them...now it is my turn and i do not know what to do and how to do it. i appear to be strong on the outside but inside i am a frigthened little girl. so i keep on substitute teaching and trying to keep busy. i am sometimes think i am not realistic about my future...thinking h will have this awakening and start to work on the marriage. he is losing the kids...they will have relationships with him but nothing like they should...and he is losing me and our future and he is working too hard. seems he is running away from himself. who knows. i read JW's comments about her grandchild and i long to share those things with my h but i have to wonder if i ever will...life just isn't the way it was supposed to be and that hurts. but you all know what i mean. anyway, i am taking the advice and doing what i am told. detach and no more pursuit. ohhhh it is difficult. i don't want you all to be disappointed in me. i will write again after i get home.
GG: have a great trip.
JW: trust with finances is important and scary...but one thing i know is that after so many years of marriage, a marriage is like a business...sad way to look at it, but it is.
Wesse; keep that advice coming...day in and day out. I learn from all of you.
Someday i want to write a book. i love to write...
I would just like a glimmer of hope from him...bring dinner last week and prefacing it with, 'don't get the wrong idea, i am not coming home just because I brought dinner...' isn't the hope i mean...but something...so I know this is paying off. I am still doing this for 'us' and not simply for 'me.'...got to begin doing it for me.
