I am glad that your H was so supportive of your concerns about your estate. I think that he has made tremendous strides away from the addiction of his ema.
Also, I apologize for throwing in a "foreign" term. LB does stand for "lovebusting" and it includes doing anything that might be upsetting to your spouse. During the trauma of my H's ea, I read many books and was really helped by several books written by Dr. Willard F. Harley. I particularly liked his book, HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS BUILDING AN AFFAIR PROOF MARRIAGE. My H and I both read that as part of our recovery and found it helpful in our talks about what went wrong what both of us need to build a happier and more secure future.
His basic premise concerning lovebusting is that- right or wrong - we should all strive to be a source of love and comfort and not a source of pain to our spouse. Your reacions to your H's ema are almost a textbook example of what he recommends. He recommends that ALL contact between spouse and op end whatever the costs. He explains in a very simplified and perhaps somewhat manipulative manner how we can increase our spouse's attraction to us by actions that he terms as a deposits into their love bank and how we can destroy that attraction by actions referred to as withdrawals from this love bank. His basic concepts are outlined at his website, marriagebuilders.com, but to fully understand and put his ideas in proper perspective I needed to read his books. I read several of his books before finding the website.
You know that I am no doormat. In fact, I need support with patience, but I found his principles as helpful as and very similiar to Michelle's.
His writings helped me deal with restoring security as did AFTER THE AFFAIR (Was that Michelle's?) However, I have not yet found a source dealing with the conflicting emotions of anger, hurt, bitterness that I have struggled with after the immediate crisis of the affair was over.
Regarding your estate concerns, I wholly agree with you. My concern was timing, but I was wrong and, I'm glad I was. You may find that changing your beneficiary on your 401K is fairly simple and does not require an attorney. However, I hope you will talk to an attorney (surprise, surprise) to explore your options, find out what distribution of your property would be made if you did not have a will, and what your spouse's rights are to contest if you do have a will (In our state a spouse has an absolute right to a certain portion of the estate regardless of what the will says and can contest the will to protect that interest. In determining this entitlement everything he gets is considered including property that passes to him outside the will such as insurance proceeds, 401k proceeds to him as named beneficiary, etc.)
I certainly don't mean to imply that your H would contest your estate plan because your family seems very close and he would probably have great respect for your wishes. My thinking is that information sometimes helps us in planning and making big decisions.
Your H's attitude about this at this time is wonderful. He seems to have great respect for you. Regarding your security/trust concerns, if writing a will or changing the beneficiary of your 401K will help with that, do it. If you keep it simple, you can easily make changes later as time goes by if you need to. We should ALL review our estate plan ever 5 years or so anyway.
For me the insecurity issues continue to be troublesome at times. I have virtually no worrisome thoughts about his contacting or becoming reinvolved with ow, but I do now know that he is capable of breaking his vows without a great deal of conscience. I think my problems are primarily related to seeing her regularly. Seeing her always pricks old wounds and makes me feel unattractive and inadequate. Her strengths are my weaknesses, and that doesn't help. Also, my feelings of insecurity seem to have more to do with my H being different from the person I thought he was. I know that I can't always be the best looking, most feminine, etc. and that I shouldn't have to be. I can't get past the feeling that my H doesn't quite get that and that he is one of those men who are attracted by the temporary glitz of the newer models. I also have a problem in that ow and my H share a lot of the same characteristics - good and bad. Gee, I wish she had been a cheap slut - maybe I wouldn't feel this way. Where am I going here? I didn't mean to ramble on.
How are things with the grandchild? This new family member is a refreshing bit of history in the making for your family. I enjoy your grandchild vicariously. Although I think you and I are close in age, it will probably be several years at least before we have a wedding or a grandchild in our family picture.
