Hi Chris, I had a pretty good talk with H after work today (today was his first day back to work). He has been trying lately I noticed. even when he was hurting he still tried to help out with dishes and meals. One thing I noticed was I thank him for everything he does a few times for good measure to make sure he really knows and really feels apreciated. what I noticed is the next time we get in a tif about something he will start with the "poor me" I did all this and this and you didnt even apreciate it and didnt even say thank you or even notice... I will say yes I did and tell him word for word what I said and his acknowledgments. Any how today during our discussion on our changing perspectives, I brought that up and asked him why that is. He said he thinks maybe he dosnt feel as though I mean what I say. he pointed out a time recently when he did feel apreciated. I thought about it and said well how is that diferent then the times you dont think I mean it. He said he thinks its an action thing. Gave me the example of our stove. Now I HATE taking the burners apart and cleaning all that stuff on the stove all the pieces etc. I used to do it every evening but now I just wipe it down with out taking it apart. When he does dishes he takes the stove top apart and thoroughly cleans it. I always make a big deal out of it becuase I really really apreciate that. But he says if I dont go through the trouble to maintain it after he has gone through the trouble to clean it then he feels I didnt apreciate his work and what he did for me. I said oh I see. hmmmm well maybe that might be one of those perspectives you might need to change, because I DO apreciate it really. He said well maybe. and we left it at that. I am going to try and do better about that now that I know this though.
He said he has been doing a lot of thinking and has some realizations he is putting together but is not quite ready to talk to me about it because its not totally clear to him yet. But he says he is starting to see where he has contradictions within him that are creating him stress and tension. Contradictions between beliefs and feelings. He mentioned how I said somehting the other day that really nailed things. I said we learn so much and intellectuallize so much of how we want to be and how we should do things and try and change our behaviors but still we have moments where we slip and do our old behavior. He said thats so true. He said he knows when he feels stress or when he is sick or hurting its really hard to be what he wants to be but he tries. I said I know I am working really hard on my codependent behaviors that I need to change but I know my emotions get the best of me and I act on them sometimes. He said "you know there are a lot of people and I am one of them that dont like labels" I said I know. he said not only are you doing something bad but now you have this label of this bad thing you are. I said yeah I know, and that emotional abuser one sounds so diferent then what it is. it sounds like someone who is intentionally evil and trying to hurt someone. When in reality there is so much that shapes us and who we are and how we form the opinions we have. Its hard to see what we are doing wrong until we constantly crash into the same wall and we eventually have to realize hey, this may make sense to me but look what the out come is something must not be right here. thats whats so great about counseling you can learn a new way of thinking that makes things so much easier to understand where in the begining can sound so crazy then later sudenly be so clear. I said that abuser lable sounds so harsh I think its better stated "negative comunication behaviors" that make our lives dificult, and with changes in thinking life can greatly improve. he agreed. He seems to be really thinking alot about what he read at Dr Irenes site and the information I gave him.
I think in a round about way I finally spoke up for my needs kinda. I think what happend really got his attention. I guess I feel I never came straight out and really said all I thought. I think I was too vague maybe in the past. I am not sure. but now he has something very specific to look at and decide whether he needs to work on it or not. I think his choice there will be the answer to what lies ahead. I feel like for so long I kept telling him you need to work on you etc. but I dont think he really knew exactly what he needed to work on. His irational thinking makes sense to him so how can he know its something to be worked on, to him the problem is me. I think thats why MC helped us so much the first time because as we brought in our fights the counselor was able to point out to him where his thinking was wrong and he would really reflect on it and see it after a while. when we were in counseling the counselor did coment on how far my H came in such short amounts of time and how you could really see he was trying hard. At that time I wasnt in any shape yet to be there, I wasnt able to be open about just how bad the past was and just how much I was hurting over it.
I am going to continue to detach and keep my focus more on the girls and myself and let him continue to reflect and see where he ends up. I am not going to go for any temporary appearances of working on himself. I see where I need to continue working harder on not being a victim.
recently I had a disagreement with a family memeber. after the disagreement I reflected on it and notice where I didnt stand up for myself and not tolerate name calling and allowed myself to feel like I deserved this treatment and didnt take care of myself. I think my job for now is to really work much harder at strengthening that area for me.
okay thats my thoughts for the day, H is taking a nap the babysitter and the kids are playing supernintendo. I feel pretty together about now. think I am going to take the gang to costco and pick up dinner while we are out and surprise H when he wakes up from his nap.
