Back from our family trip. Everyone is pretty wiped out. H and DS14 and friends enjoyed the triathlon. They all did pretty well - as well or better than they predicted. The 14yo won 1st prize as a relay team because they were the ONLY relay team registered. It was fun for them.
We had a very good time with the kids. Everyone swam, played on the boardwalk, laughed. The boys and h wrestled and had a great time. DD9 had so much fun she ended up throwing up from sheer exhaustion and junk food. DD2 is rapidly potty training herself - H thinks she is a genius!
We did manage a little conjugal visit. H actually organized the kids and initiated. He did complain that I wanted a "bunch of foreplay." I don't really call 5/10 minutes a "bunch." This is a hurdle that we often have. A lot of times H is willing to have sex but wants to "skip the foreplay." I'm all for quickies on occasion but he will say this and not be aroused when we start. So then, how are we to "have a quickie with little to no foreplay" when he isn't aroused yet? Seems to me that you gotta have some foreplay in that case. This very scenario is part of why I get so hung up with H and the whole arousal issue. I can understand if a man comes to me with a raging hardon and just wants to do me real quick. I can even get into that. I categorize this in my head as "hey, he was just really feeling hot, very cool." When my H comes to me unaroused and wants minimal touching and a quickie I have an entirely different way of thinking about this. I really would like to do more of the kind of touching in the Peace Between the Sheets book. I need to find a way to talk with H about some non-demand touching type situations or even doing non intercourse with o type activities. I think he has kind of pigeon holed what I "want" and I need to expand his thinking on this. The last arugment we had really showed this. He said, "You don't want to be intimate with me you want to have sex with me." Not true and I was shocked that he would say so.
In retrospect I do think he has a point. I think there are ways that we both avoid intimacy and transparancy with each other. I have started trying to take more rdsponsibility for not "falling apart" during our discussions so he can hear me better. I think men have trouble hearing women's message when they cry. I have also had to recognize that I have learned to tune out H in myriad ways and I'm not always that interested in intimacy.
Well, good for your H for initiating and getting kids out of your hair to boot. Glad you had a nice trip.
Just wanted to comment on this: He said, "You don't want to be intimate with me you want to have sex with me." Sometimes people say things like this when what they really mean is "I" not "You." IT's easier to put it off on the other person but from his desire to often avoid foreplay and have a quickie, it seems like HE is really the one avoiding the intimacy. I think there are ways that we both avoid intimacy and transparancy with each other. It sounds like you have a good handle on the fact that both of you are having intimacy problems. Does or will he admit to lack of intimacy towards you?
Quote: We did manage a little conjugal visit. H actually organized the kids and initiated. He did complain that I wanted a "bunch of foreplay." I don't really call 5/10 minutes a "bunch." This is a hurdle that we often have. A lot of times H is willing to have sex but wants to "skip the foreplay." I'm all for quickies on occasion but he will say this and not be aroused when we start. So then, how are we to "have a quickie with little to no foreplay" when he isn't aroused yet? Seems to me that you gotta have some foreplay in that case. This very scenario is part of why I get so hung up with H and the whole arousal issue. I can understand if a man comes to me with a raging hardon and just wants to do me real quick. I can even get into that. I categorize this in my head as "hey, he was just really feeling hot, very cool." When my H comes to me unaroused and wants minimal touching and a quickie I have an entirely different way of thinking about this.
Yeah, that really s*cks. It's like the difference between someone saying "I'm starving. Can you whip me up a nice juicy burger real quick so I can wolf it down." and someone saying "I'm not all that hungry and too lazy to cook, so could you just make me a burger real quick so we can get dinner out of the way.". You are going to have to figure out a way to communicate about this or I predict you will soon be boiling with resentment, if you aren't already What do you think your H's reaction would be if you used my line "How about I just go ahead and build you a handicapped ramp to my p*ssy, no stairs or foreplay necessary.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think H primarily said this in order to hurt my feelings. It was a heat of the moment kind of thing and I think he was just taking a potshot. __________________________________________________________
He said, "You don't want to be intimate with me you want to have sex with me." Sometimes people say things like this when what they really mean is "I" not "You." IT's easier to put it off on the other person but from his desire to often avoid foreplay and have a quickie, it seems like HE is really the one avoiding the intimacy. ________________________________________________________
Mojo,
I have no idea what he would say to that. I recall you using that phrase before and I thought it was rather accurate. Your hamburger analogy is also accurate. When H wants things to be like that it is like looking at the lyrics of the song with no music. There is just no "juice". It isn't that I am being picky about ONLY having romantic sex with lots of foreplay etc...but going from 0 to five minute get on/get off sex as a rule just doesn't do it for me. I am considering how we can talk about this issue. Actually, I kind of already brought it up with some humor...I asked him if I could pre-order sex the next time with a side order of romance. He said, that if I wanted sex on Monday (we didn't ) that it would be the extra value meal because he would still be tired from the triathlon.
What do you think your H's reaction would be if you used my line "How about I just go ahead and build you a handicapped ramp to my p*ssy, no stairs or foreplay necessary.".