Well - all in all a nice family weekend. It was very Bradyesque (except for the swilling of dacquiris Sunday and Monday). No sex. No naked cuddling. No efforts from H in the sexual arena and damned few in the EC arena either.
OTOH - I have been mulling over where I am on things. I am still in an emotionally pulled back mode. Predictably - H is too. What was that bs I've learned over and over again about our spouse being our mirror? I've been listening to this crazy CD from the warrior-sage called Sex, Passion and Enlightenment which discusses the issues from a similar perspective as David Deida. In it, the author says that women are responsible for bringing the energy to the relationship. Without arguing the whole male/female dynamic, equality etc... I have to at least admit that my R with H is better when I am open and sharing with him, when I am bringing energy to things both sexual and non. (I have to contrast this to times when I am bringing a chihuahua type nervous energy - "see me, notice me, love me" - All of us who are the "natural helpers" of the world do this sometimes and other people naturally resist seeing, noticing and loving people who are putting off this kind of frenetic energy in the name of being loving). Then there are times where I just remove myself mentally and emotionally. Like lately.
So...I'm in the place right now of trying to do more of my own work. I am considering going back into individual therapy like I did during my separation from ex-H. As long as I can stay in this place of dealing with myself I hope to ask for things I want in the R and deal with dissapointments with myself. The disappointments are going to come and they will be my mirror. I am being given a gift in this R. I am being given the gift of dealing with heartbreak, loss, and dissapointment and learning that after all of that I am still there, intact inside. The love I am looking for in my H is in him and mine is in me but the love that we feel at any given time is merely the light of our own love looking back.
As a matter of fact, the other gift I am receiving from H is that despite what looks like devastating failure to me, H is still here, still desires to be married and love me. Maybe I need to open my eyes to that. He is very constant and steadfast in his love for me and our family. It is I who is mercurial - how about that?
So...to H's Bhudda nature. Just as inside me, there is a well-spring of love, of light, of my own soul there is that in him too. When we have exchanges that are less than loving it isn't coming from the core of who we are but rather from the external layers of shells of ego. What to do? Practice grounding myself. Breathe, feel the inner nature of each of us....get myself back together again inside. This isn't about trying to be "nicer" to H, I am very nice to H (BTW- I've been through the being nicer idea many times, it comes out all needy). This is about getting a grip on myself in the face of anger, disappointment, deflected bids for love and realize that I am still me inside. Realize that the H I love is there inside him too.
There is no panacea. There is no system of fancy verbal exchanges or sexual exchanges or emotional exchanges that will fix everything. Anything could work (for a while) and doing nothing can work too (for awhile). In the end there is just H and me. In the end all I can offer H is my love, open and undefended and if that isn't enough then it isn't. The gifts that we can offer one another may or may not be accepted. That's just how it goes.
