Lil, I suppose I am "booked out". I've got a huge pile of SSM books here now, some of which led me down the wrong path I suppose. The trouble I am running into isn't gathering the tools, it is using the ones I've already gathered. I've got a good inkling on how to connect better, but in the face of resistance and lack of reciprocation, I find that it is difficult to keep chipping away at it knowing that while yes, there is some progress, there is a lot of chipping to do before it even starts to look like a tunnel, and darned it, I'm not getting any help.
Books aren't going to fix the problem, the most they can do is give you additional tools to use. The fixing part has to come from yourself, and as long as I have my nose stuck in a book, I ain't doing anything to improve the situation. Frankly I don't think they are going to give me any more insight into myself than what I've already gathered through introspection and revealing myself here. Could be my state of mind too, I suppose, but I think there is far more to be gained by rolling up my sleeves and trying to communicate on a deeper level with MrsGGB.
At the moment, though, I am sick and tired of being the only one putting effort into improving the R, so I'm just going to sit, rest and ponder my navel for a while.
I guess my resistence stems from having read several similar books and finding that my intellectual understanding that his rejection isn't personal and doesn't hurt me doesn't penetrate the emotional one. Then, even if I convince myself to act on my desire to touch, initiate sex, etc... it doesn't live up to anything akin to what I really wanted if the acceptance of these bids is halfhearted. Placid acceptance of the bland, half-hearted and pallid just flies in the face of my belief that I rarely, if ever, make half hearted gestures in ANY area to those I love.
I guess what I really need to committ to is that if I initiate and the response is not what I wanted I'll have to stop. If I do so, it may not be me ending the M, but my H. If enough pressure is brought to bear on H, I wonder if he won't just say fcuk it, fcuk her, it isn't worth it.
I've been thinking that H and must view what the exchange of sex equates to completelly differently. I think he believes that sex is something given or taken and I believe it is something shared. Therefore, if I haven't provdided enough AOS he won't "give" sex and he certainly won't allow me to "take" it either. Whereas, if you believe sex is something you share with someone then it doesn't matter who has done what for whom lately. If, in his heart of hearts, I am not "worthy" of being given sex then I can't say I'm all that excited about having sex with him.
Karen, who is in a muddled half LD, half horny, half dongivashit what happens kind of state (I am VERY PMSy and I know it - very unusual for me)
Karen, is H open for something like naked cuddling if he is assured it won't lead to sex? If so, I've found in the past that it helps build the EC and ease some of the frustration, and at the same time has sometimes put MrsGGB in the mood. Maybe it is the safety of her being in charge of what happens and me promising that I'm not going to ask for sex, I dunno. Anyway, in thinking about your sich, I can't help but to wonder if something like that wouldn't help to lift you out of your funk.
Karen, I know that place you are in very well (too well right now). I also know that one of the things that has fairly reliably brought me out of it in the past has been naked cuddling, which is why I suggested it. Do me a favor and give it a try this weekend, and let me know how it went next week. I intend to give it a shot this weekend myself. Now go get naked
Well - all in all a nice family weekend. It was very Bradyesque (except for the swilling of dacquiris Sunday and Monday). No sex. No naked cuddling. No efforts from H in the sexual arena and damned few in the EC arena either.
OTOH - I have been mulling over where I am on things. I am still in an emotionally pulled back mode. Predictably - H is too. What was that bs I've learned over and over again about our spouse being our mirror? I've been listening to this crazy CD from the warrior-sage called Sex, Passion and Enlightenment which discusses the issues from a similar perspective as David Deida. In it, the author says that women are responsible for bringing the energy to the relationship. Without arguing the whole male/female dynamic, equality etc... I have to at least admit that my R with H is better when I am open and sharing with him, when I am bringing energy to things both sexual and non. (I have to contrast this to times when I am bringing a chihuahua type nervous energy - "see me, notice me, love me" - All of us who are the "natural helpers" of the world do this sometimes and other people naturally resist seeing, noticing and loving people who are putting off this kind of frenetic energy in the name of being loving). Then there are times where I just remove myself mentally and emotionally. Like lately.
So...I'm in the place right now of trying to do more of my own work. I am considering going back into individual therapy like I did during my separation from ex-H. As long as I can stay in this place of dealing with myself I hope to ask for things I want in the R and deal with dissapointments with myself. The disappointments are going to come and they will be my mirror. I am being given a gift in this R. I am being given the gift of dealing with heartbreak, loss, and dissapointment and learning that after all of that I am still there, intact inside. The love I am looking for in my H is in him and mine is in me but the love that we feel at any given time is merely the light of our own love looking back.
As a matter of fact, the other gift I am receiving from H is that despite what looks like devastating failure to me, H is still here, still desires to be married and love me. Maybe I need to open my eyes to that. He is very constant and steadfast in his love for me and our family. It is I who is mercurial - how about that?
So...to H's Bhudda nature. Just as inside me, there is a well-spring of love, of light, of my own soul there is that in him too. When we have exchanges that are less than loving it isn't coming from the core of who we are but rather from the external layers of shells of ego. What to do? Practice grounding myself. Breathe, feel the inner nature of each of us....get myself back together again inside. This isn't about trying to be "nicer" to H, I am very nice to H (BTW- I've been through the being nicer idea many times, it comes out all needy). This is about getting a grip on myself in the face of anger, disappointment, deflected bids for love and realize that I am still me inside. Realize that the H I love is there inside him too.
There is no panacea. There is no system of fancy verbal exchanges or sexual exchanges or emotional exchanges that will fix everything. Anything could work (for a while) and doing nothing can work too (for awhile). In the end there is just H and me. In the end all I can offer H is my love, open and undefended and if that isn't enough then it isn't. The gifts that we can offer one another may or may not be accepted. That's just how it goes.
Brilliant post, K... that's pretty much where I am, too.
Quote: When we have exchanges that are less than loving it isn't coming from the core of who we are but rather from the external layers of shells of ego.
Those layers are the Identity System in Block's terminology. The techniques he gives about stopping, looking, and listening (background sounds, touch, etc. to reconnect with the body in the present) can help forstall that slide into isolation.
Currently I am doing some re-reading of books that I have but if I get time I may just pick that book up. I am coming out of my funk of taking my ball and going home in this M. It is predictable. I get into those funks and it takes a few weeks to work through them. I guess if I get into funks for weeks at a time then my H must too. In fact, he TELLS me he does but I still expect him to pursue me anyway. That is very screwed up of me.
I had this epiphany when we took the kids to the pool this weekend. There was an older man there with his trophy bride - she had to be at least 20 years his junior, probably more. She was a VERY hot number. Sexy black bikini, sandals with heels, lots of jewelry, bronzed skin, plastic surgery enhanced bosom, sitting up there like the Rocks of Gibralter. One of her very impressive breasts had popped out of her bathing suit and she didn't notice for quite a while. All the neighborhood Dads were getting quite an eyeful, as were my two 20 something foster sons and my 14yo. If my H even looked I didn't see it. I'm sure he was interested and I probably wouldn't have cared, she was quite lovely but I know that he didn't look out of respect for me. He's a good man and I would do well to remember that.
