Tonight my W and I went out for dinner and had a great time. We talked, drank, ate and were very happy. She asked me about getting back what we once had and that I am a completely new person. She actually said I was the person she once married. Since we have seperated, I have done everything that I could to bring us back together. About two weeks ago, I stopped doing things to get us back together and concentrated on me and my kids. What a revelation. This DBing thing works like I can't believe. Thanks Michele and all the wonderful people on this site.
JohnK, CONGRATULATIONS!!! It is so wonderful to find our spouses finally recongizing AND responding to our efforts. Keep DBing, and remember it is a process that will need to be kept in place so that you don't backslide. Keep up the great work!
Hi John - It sounds like you're one of the lucky ones!! I'm teetering on the brink of good and bad and need to know how to tip the scales. I'm under - separated, now what - There's no OW but my H hasn't returned and is "thinking about" us and "trying" but showing no sign of a move in that direction.
Could you give me a male perspective on how to proceed?? Are there any specific books I could recommend to my H that would give him some insight on piecing us back together??
He's someone who runs from conflict and when afraid, just digs in and refuses to learn or grow. I don't know how to bring him back into our little one's life and mine. He does love his son but is so afraid of "us". There weren't big fights, nothing specific made him crack and walk. I just wasn't as loving and was critical. I realize my end of the problem and have been dbing my butt off.
Sorry to bother you but you seem to be on the right track - any ideas??
Hi John and welcome to this forum. Isn't it amazing but over and over again I hear that when one spouse quits trying to push the reconciliation therefore stops trying to convince the spouse to work on the marriage the wayward spouse suddenly makes an effort to come back. It happened for me too. There really is majic is the detachment. I think we just have to get to that point before our spouses begin to come out of their fog. Congratulations to you. Your hard work is how paying off and you are on the right path. Keep it up and let us know how you are doing.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 01-17-2000).]
I would be very glad to share what has made the difference in my marriage. First of all patience is probably the most important and most difficult trait that I have had to learn. I am not a patient person but I found that without it I was the king of backslides. Every time I saw my W I wanted to hold her and show her effection. WRONG!!!! What had to happen was I needed to be her best friend first. Only showing her the good stuff about me and being Mr Wonderful. Its tough but over time I actually developed some pretty cool habits like opening car doors and bringing flowers over and just showing her what kind of person she really married. Next step was to BACK OFF and give her the space that she needed. That was tough as well but I found that as I let her do her thing and began to do my thing at the same time, we began to want to do our things together again.
Smile lots and be happy. I know its easier said than done but if you display a sad and melancholy attitude, that might make reconcilliation more difficult and further away. Remember, use this time to improve yourself and focus on going forward with your life. One of the most wonderful things about my W is her ability to keep herself mentally strong and positively directed. When I see that during tough times, it melts my heart and sends it soaring for her.
Patience, space, and love yourself. And one last thing: when we go through times like this, it's 10% of what happens to us but it's 90% of how we handle it that makes the difference in the long run. Stay here with the fantastic people on this site and you will get just as much, if not more, than what you put into this in return.
Chelsea, Sonia & Johnswife:
Thank you for your words of kindness. We are all winners here regardless of how it ends up. This has been the toughest time in my life, bar none. But I have also grown more in the last few months than I could ever had imagined.
You are an awesome DBer for a Junior Member!! Good work. How long were you separated? And are you back together now? If you don't mind I may suck some PMA from that last post of yours !!!
JohnK: Thanks for the advice. Did your wife really want out. My H does...but I think this is another of his MLC (he had one five years ago at almost 50).I am trying to be upbeat but this is not easy since I am truly alone (last kid left for college). I cherish your advice. Patience is not my virtue either but I am trying. When I talked with him last night (I called when i returned from my weekend away) I was upbeat, didn't talk about US and tried to smile through the phone. We will see if it works...if he calls today. I know he stopped by the house to do his wash but I am at work.
Tell us more about you...are you/were you separated...how long...how come...more insight and advice daily would be appreciated.
JohnK: Thanks for the advice. Did your wife really want out. My H does...but I think this is another of his MLC (he had one five years ago at almost 50).I am trying to be upbeat but this is not easy since I am truly alone (last kid left for college). I cherish your advice. Patience is not my virtue either but I am trying. When I talked with him last night (I called when i returned from my weekend away) I was upbeat, didn't talk about US and tried to smile through the phone. We will see if it works...if he calls today. I know he stopped by the house to do his wash but I am at work.
Tell us more about you...are you/were you separated...how long...how come...more insight and advice daily would be appreciated.
!!!