Right now I am actually feeling a little creepy about my sexuality. My H, in his fragile state is not someone I feel free to lust after. Not to point out the obvious, but sexuality does not have to mean lust exactly. Ironically, a lot of men share a weird self-defeating trait in that when they feel “fragile”, they actually want more physical attention. Though, the self-defeating part is that confidence and such are lower resulting in less initiation and a drive towards isolation. Maybe try out physical and intimate things that focus a little more on EC and nurturing? What would your H do if he walked into your bedroom to see you had lit candles, you grabbed his hand, laid him down, and maybe gave him a massage?
I said that I am willing to accept my shortcomings and share of the blame and that I am committed to trying to make things better. Then I asked for two specific things: When he comes home I asked him to make a special effort to hug DS14 and tell him that he loves him and to try to look at me and "us" through new eyes. If my W said that to me I think I would be in utter shock.
"office shark" has picked up on my feelings of despair and keeps referencing how "lucky" my husband is to have a "wife who is smart, beautiful and sexy.” Ick. Ick. Ick. From your boss!!!!!!! OMG…. Did you respond that you can’t wait to see how small his manhood shrivels when he is sitting across the courtroom full of people judging his sexually harassing behavior?
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Oh karen, your sitch is so painful to read about...
I KNOW you're tired of books, but I feel "Come to Your Senses" would really help you differentiate from your H's mood and get a sense of being a separate, whole, healthy human being. Your feelings and your desire to express them are completely normal. When you love, it is absolutely normal to want to express your love. I feel this book would also give you permission to reach out to him physically and emotionally any time you want to and as much as you want to, no matter how he responds. You will be free to express your love as much as you want to, and his reaction or lack of same will not hurt or damage you.
Sorry to keep hammering on this-- it's because I care and because I truly believe it will give you some relief.
I've taken St. John's Wort-- not sure if it did me any good, but it's widely taken in Europe for depression and I doubt if it would interact with anything he's taking.
is your H on meridia for depression or weight loss? its a reuptake inhibitor, but
he is a triathlete though ... Its only supposed to be fot seriously obese people, gotta be depression.. strange not prescribed for that though. on the off chance that he is overweight you know that is going to effect his drive.
not relevant to the dual usage though. St johns wort will not be given a thumbs up by pharmacists. they both effect the same seratonin receptors.
also. Are you trying to curse me? I cant handle one woman and you are wishing many wahines on me? sheesh. fortunately I came home from HI that day.
I guess that all we need to know about people now is that they have all the right parts?
Oh. thats all we need to know? Thank god. Ill be back when I am dehydrated husk from boinking my brains out... and probably have a STD as a super suprise... maybe thats why the nude photos. Look ma no sores.... blech.
I wore the lipstick red dress I recently purchased for a fancy wedding we were supposed to attend. I hope the pics turn out well and I hope he likes them. The dress shows a lot of cleavage (what little I have) stop this. and the photos are pretty sexy
teasing the animals again I see. Red dress and black hair. Not nice. I cant possible imagine why your boss would make those comments. <snort>
What kind of person am I that I can't attract the man who supposedly loves me its not about you. easy to say, hard to feel. he does love you, he called to check on your whereabouts when you were gone too long.
Karen what do you and your H do to 'play together'? not just exercise and stay fit. Tennis? rollerblading? walks after dinner? a bike ride on sundays? anything.. I asked this before... he/you extend yourselves for others so much there is not much left over.
interesting thought that you had between his friends death and his disconnect. Besides the depression caused by it, any chance he cares for you so much he is terrified of losing you, so he reduces ML hence EC to avoid it?
Remember when HP would give her H a STOP statement when he was self deprecating? Is there anyway or anywhere you could implement something like this when he starts to overextend himself?
More attempts at the uncrackable, inscrutable Mr.K
Lil, Honestly, what is yet another book going to do? If Karen is anything like me, she's booked out. She knows what the books say etc, but it does no good without your partner being on board too. I'm sure K's H is no more interested in reading the books than MrsGGB is. Heck, even the ones MrsGGB bought on my suggestion never got opened.
I'm coming to the conclusion that one person cannot fix a relationship alone. You can do everything to make it easier for your partner to get on board, but if the partner refuses to step up with you you'll wind up spinning your wheels and getting absolutely nowhere...well, that's not exactly true. You can do a lot to improve yourself, which MIGHT get your partner motivated in a Snarchian way, but there is no guarantees.
Those glamour picts are "I love you" written in your LL, not his. I'm afraid that they'll be misinterpreted as pressure, or at the very least not very appreciated because of this. ___________________________________________________________
Actually, I'm not sure of this. H is a very good photographer and appreciates good photos so he might really like them. He might really not like or appreciate the sexiness aspect thought. I'm just not sure.
Sorry about Mrs. GGB staying in her shell lately. It does seem as if there is a minefield of eggshells and I hate that. I get this impulse to stomp all over them.
Right now I am actually feeling a little creepy about my sexuality. My H, in his fragile state is not someone I feel free to lust after. Not to point out the obvious, but sexuality does not have to mean lust exactly. Ironically, a lot of men share a weird self-defeating trait in that when they feel “fragile”, they actually want more physical attention. Though, the self-defeating part is that confidence and such are lower resulting in less initiation and a drive towards isolation. Maybe try out physical and intimate things that focus a little more on EC and nurturing? What would your H do if he walked into your bedroom to see you had lit candles, you grabbed his hand, laid him down, and maybe gave him a massage? ________________________________________________________
There are times when my H would respond well to this and others where he shrinks from all touch. I can't initiate touch from someone who will shrink from it when I am currently channeling H's fragile state. I have to get myself in emotional order again first.
He didn't say a word about the email. It turned out he had left his power cord behind and didn't see the email until he got back home. If he is trying to "see me through new eyes" it isn't evident.
I KNOW you're tired of books, but I feel "Come to Your Senses" would really help you differentiate from your H's mood and get a sense of being a separate, whole, healthy human being. Your feelings and your desire to express them are completely normal. When you love, it is absolutely normal to want to express your love. I feel this book would also give you permission to reach out to him physically and emotionally any time you want to and as much as you want to, no matter how he responds. You will be free to express your love as much as you want to, and his reaction or lack of same will not hurt or damage you.
Emotionally though is is different. Emotionally it feels like foisting oneself upon an unwilling party when bids for affection are not reciprocated. Emotionally, it feels unsafe like choosing to be a doormat. There is a part of me that rises from the ashes of my emotions and says, "Gddamnit, I am worth more than this. I deserve to be loved and cared about it. I am a good person and not bad looking either."
is your H on meridia for depression or weight loss? its a reuptake inhibitor, but _________________________________________________________
He is on Meridia for weight loss. He is 6'2" and between 240 and 250 pounds. His doc wants him below 200 or 210 at the most. H has a problem with his appetite especially if he is stressed. He tends to eat junk, late at night for comfort. He is a large framed man but not what I would term obese. He carries the weight well but he has terrible eating habits - the training keeps him from losing the battle altogether. Sometimes he feels unattractive due to his weight. ___________________________________________________________
overweight you know that is going to effect his drive. _________________________________________________________
Yeah - I've thought of this. He is taking steps and I haven't pushed him to do so he has done it of his own volition. I will cheerlead but not interfere.
__________________________________________________________ not relevant to the dual usage though. St johns wort will not be given a thumbs up by pharmacists. they both effect the same seratonin receptors. ________________________________________________________
I considered that. I guess hope springs eternal that the answer is available in bottle form. __________________________________________________________
also. Are you trying to curse me? I cant handle one woman and you are wishing many wahines on me? sheesh. fortunately I came home from HI that day. __________________________________________________________
C'mon now. A guy has to have a little fun. I lived in HI as a young teen and there are certainly some lovely ladies there.
____________________________________________________________ I guess that all we need to know about people now is that they have all the right parts?
Oh. thats all we need to know? Thank god. Ill be back when I am dehydrated husk from boinking my brains out... and probably have a STD as a super suprise... maybe thats why the nude photos. Look ma no sores.... blech. ___________________________________________________________
Somebody around here has to get some!
_______________________________________________________ Karen what do you and your H do to 'play together'? not just exercise and stay fit. Tennis? rollerblading? walks after dinner? a bike ride on sundays? anything.. I asked this before... he/you extend yourselves for others so much there is not much left over. __________________________________________________________
We do very little together. By the time we get home from the ridiculous DC Metro area commutes, make dinner, clean up, exercise, get kids in bed etc... There is very little awake time left. Then he stays up and zones out with the tv and I eventually go to bed because I get up so much earlier than he does on most days. It is pathetic and we have talked about it but he sees the solution completely differently than I.
Last night we took all the kids to a local carnival/fair benefitting the local fire department. It was fun. H is at his best at these kind of things. He loves interacting with people, being the fun dad and things of that nature. Our anniversary is next week and we are using a dinner out at Ruths Chris with a limo ride certificate that we got at a charity silent auction for an anniversary dinner. I think I will wear that red dress!
interesting thought that you had between his friends death and his disconnect. Besides the depression caused by it, any chance he cares for you so much he is terrified of losing you, so he reduces ML hence EC to avoid it? ___________________________________________________________
Yes - I suppose it is possible. The man's widow just graduated from college and has secured a teaching job and is doing very well. H seems to live for news that she is ok in the absence of her husband. He idealizes her because she was such a very wonderful wife to his best friend. However, when his friend (a minister) was alive we discussed alone time, intimacy etc... with them and they basically said that they didn't have any and were looking forward to launching kids someday in order to have some. I told H later that I vehemently disagreed with their approach. I don't think he did. ___________________________________________________________
Remember when HP would give her H a STOP statement when he was self deprecating? Is there anyway or anywhere you could implement something like this when he starts to overextend himself? ________________________________________________________
Yes. I've done it a few times and it works sometimes. Sometimes he appreciates it. Sometimes he's irritated by it. I need to do it more.
Quote: Emotionally though is is different. Emotionally it feels like foisting oneself upon an unwilling party when bids for affection are not reciprocated. Emotionally, it feels unsafe like choosing to be a doormat.
Yup, you hit the nail on the head here. Could not have said it better myself. It is the old why should I want to boink someone who apparently doesn't want it (despite words to the contrary, to me the body language and unspoken communication shouts no!)
The reason it feels like foisting yourself on an unwilling victim is because you still believe in your heart of hearts what he or she is telling you: namely that there is something wrong with your love. That your love and caring is hurtful and damaging. When we hold back, we are buying into this lie. Our love and caring DO NOT hurt anyone. AND their rejection does not hurt us. It feels bad but it does not damage us.
But our discussion of this is an intellectual process, and this change, this new way of looking at things, occurs much below the intellectual level. It is a gut-level thing.
And of course it's not the BOOK that makes a person change-- duh! It's the process. Some people have the lightbulb go on in Church, some see a movie and it's a life-changing experience, some get knocked off a horse-- who cares how it happens?
Believe me, I know exactly what it FELT like to make bids for attention that were not responded to. I think I've made that pretty clear. Why so much resistance to something that m-i-g-h-t offer some relief? What you're doing is NOT working, so keep looking for something that might work. Both of you (karen and ggb) are committed to never leaving the marriage-- why the hell not just try one more book?
fortunately I came home from HI that day. 
I cant possible imagine why your boss would make those comments. <snort> 