H was out of town for business last night. He will be back later tonight - around 7 or 8 pm. We talked on the phone and had a nice but not particularly emotional convo.
Then DS14 started picking at DD9 and I asked him to stop several times. Finally, I had to raise my voice then I had to mediate an "I feel...when you..." conversation between the two of them. Then DS fell apart and started crying. It turns out that he was feeling guilty because H bought him some clothes that he didn't care for that they will have to return and DS didn't want to cause H more stress. DS was afraid that H is feeling like he can't do anything right and that we don't appreciate his efforts. I reassured DS about the clothes - I know that H understands teens and clothes and has no problem taking them back although I know he tried extra hard to pick out something cool from Pac Sun and that he feels bad that DS didn't care for the fit. I also reassured DS that everyone feels badly about how they are performing in life sometimes and that it wasn't his fault that this is how H feels. I also reassured DS that although displacing his anger onto his sister is not helpful it is normal. Then I hugged him for a long time.
I also wrote H an email to tell him what had occured and to say that it is for this reason (among others) that it is very important to me to figure out the source of the ongoing tension between he and I. I said that I am willing to accept my shortcomings and share of the blame and that I am committed to trying to make things better.
Then I asked for two specific things: When he comes home I asked him to make a special effort to hug DS14 and tell him that he loves him and to try to look at me and "us" through new eyes.
We'll see. Maybe the email will just piss him off. I don't know. I do know that seeing how torn us DS was broke my heart.
