Very neutral weekend. Friday we went bowling as a family and had a nice time. Saturday my 14yo DS went on his first movie "date" and while they were seeing the movie H, DD2 and I did some shopping and had dinner. DD9 was spending the night with her friend. H was weird the whole time - he was kind of "picking" at me until I pointed it out. He spent the whole time clothes shopping for the kids - they all needed things. It turned out ok but it just didn't feel close and connected. On Sunday we had family over for dinner and H got the guys involved in building a lattice over our basement walkout so the ivy can grow over it. That kept him busy all day. It was good that he had that project because I was already annoyed that he continuted to act all disconnected all day on Sunday. He came to bed and didn't cuddle with me. I finally just said "H are you mad at me?". He said "No", sounded surprised and still didn't cuddle.
The only clue that I had to this was DS14 commented that H was "ranting" about not getting anything right while they were trying to figure out the lattice project and that he named several other things that hadn't gone right lately. Apparently we have a long way to go before H will be over the issues of the other week. I forgot to mention that before H threw the big tirade, a couple of days before, several things had gone wrong in a row. H got a little quiet and moody leading up to the big tantrum. Well, he's still moody.
I got to thinking about when things got very difficult between us and here is what I came up with... The last time that I can remember H being very open with me sexually was when we went to see his best friend three and 1/2 years ago after his kidney transplant. He was doing well and it was cause for celebration. He had been sick for so long. We had VERY passionate sex that night. H was experimental and lost a lot of his inhibitions. After his friend died a few short months later H was completley shut down. Completely unreachable. We went to counseling, things improved a little. The only other bright spots in the last three years were two occasions that were really thrilling, life altering - when we were pregnant and during our honeymoon. Other than that our SL has been a constant push-pull, constantly being distilled down to the least erotic, more and more about "pleasing Karen" (but not too much) or "having babies" and less and less about us and emotional connection. H hasn't been here since his friend's death except for our honeymoon and during my pregnancy. Prior to his friend's death H was anxious about sex, had a lower drive than I but was interested in doing new things, in being sexual etc... I felt that it was an issue of never having had a SL with anyone for an extended period before and that it would improve. After his friend's death the first time we tried to ML H started sobbing uncontrollably. His friend was survived by a lovely wife and three sons who H still stays in contact with. He said something about how his friend could never be with his wife ever again. I guess what I am saying is that I think the trauma of losing his friend caused H to disconnect and that all of my efforts since have been in vain because H just isn't here. I think he dropped out of this R then.
I have no idea what to do about that. I could be completely wrong. If I am wrong it isn't by much.
Karen, who is "pissing in the wind" (clearly not a good idea)
Karen... Are you familiar with Dr. Daniel Amen's work? He is a clinical neuoscientist and psychiatrist who uses SPECT imaging to determine the areas of the brain responsible for depression, anxiety, OCD, etc.He believes that problems in the limbic system are responsible for bonding disorders, mood disorders,negative thinking, guilt, decreased interest in sex, etc. He goes through some non-medical strategies to enhance positive thought patterns and connections, and has some medication advice as well...one of them is St Johns Wort, containing 0.3% hypericin at 500mg 2x a day.
Yes - I've been talking with H about St. John's Wort. He already uses a lot of the typical cognitive strategies, exercise and whatnot. He hasn't committed to being willing to take the St. Johns Wort but he "sees my point" about how anger and depression are linked in men and in him.
I had vaguely connected the things I just mentioned but I hadn't really thought it out up until now. I think he has HUGE guilt over his best friend. He had even looked into being a donor but was not compatible. I also think that when you load that onto the relgious guilt, the anxiety from inexperience and all of that you get a pretty scary picture. I guess when we have had overwhelmingly happy events like marriage and the pregnancy of his first child he is able to get past it (more serotonin probably) but in regular life he can't.
H was out of town for business last night. He will be back later tonight - around 7 or 8 pm. We talked on the phone and had a nice but not particularly emotional convo.
Then DS14 started picking at DD9 and I asked him to stop several times. Finally, I had to raise my voice then I had to mediate an "I feel...when you..." conversation between the two of them. Then DS fell apart and started crying. It turns out that he was feeling guilty because H bought him some clothes that he didn't care for that they will have to return and DS didn't want to cause H more stress. DS was afraid that H is feeling like he can't do anything right and that we don't appreciate his efforts. I reassured DS about the clothes - I know that H understands teens and clothes and has no problem taking them back although I know he tried extra hard to pick out something cool from Pac Sun and that he feels bad that DS didn't care for the fit. I also reassured DS that everyone feels badly about how they are performing in life sometimes and that it wasn't his fault that this is how H feels. I also reassured DS that although displacing his anger onto his sister is not helpful it is normal. Then I hugged him for a long time.
I also wrote H an email to tell him what had occured and to say that it is for this reason (among others) that it is very important to me to figure out the source of the ongoing tension between he and I. I said that I am willing to accept my shortcomings and share of the blame and that I am committed to trying to make things better.
Then I asked for two specific things: When he comes home I asked him to make a special effort to hug DS14 and tell him that he loves him and to try to look at me and "us" through new eyes.
We'll see. Maybe the email will just piss him off. I don't know. I do know that seeing how torn us DS was broke my heart.
That story was amazing, I don't know if you realize it or not. How awesome that your teenage soon is thinking of your H's feelings, and trying to find ways to validate him. I remember when I was 14 all I cared about was myself (and not getting the crap beaten out of me by my dad). I was even suicidal for awhile (although I never told anyone, just worked it out myself). Your son sounds like a great kid.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I just wanted to echo what Chrome said about your son. That is very caring young boy you have there. You should be very proud. I truly hope your H realizes that as well and gives him a big hug and "I love you" when he gets home.
My DS is an incredible kid. He is a straight A student but not a dork. He does well socially and so far doesn't seem to be dabbling in any questionable behaviors. Puberty has begun in earnest in the past few months and I can see many changes looming. My children have a reputation as being "painless" - people enjoy being with them. That is a wonderful thing to hear from other people.
The thing I worry about is that in nurturing my very broken ex-H, excusing his behaviors and trying to keep peace in a very bad sitch I engendered too much feeling of responsibilty for others emotions in DS. My mantra at that time was "Ok DS, we need to be quiet because Daddy is studying for medical boards...", "Ok DS, Daddy doesn't feel good today (too grumpy, anxious, depressed or angry) so lets keep the house extra clean and be extra quiet...." Current H is MUCH more mentally healthy than ex-H and the current environment is much more conducive to DS understanding that H's feelings are H's feelings, we didn't cause them but we love him and we will try to help where we can.
H was on his way home from his business trip yesterday and called me to talk for a while. It seems that he has a feeling that he can only describe as "feeling fragile." On top of that he tried to make himself feel better by doing things for others on Saturday (like buying clothes for DS14) and feels that his efforts were wasted when they didn't turn out just perfect. He says he feels that the word fragile isn't exactly manly but that it is as close as he can get to describing how he feels.
I told him that I really wasn't meaning to sound obtuse but why did he feel that way. He said that he really didn't know. He said he wasn't sure if he was depressed, if there was something in particular bothering him or what. I asked him about the St. Johns Wort but he wants to ask his doctor since he takes two other medications - Meridia and one for his cholesterol. It didn't really seem that I could do anything to help. We ended the conversation when we both got close to our destination but really didn't have any solutions.
We didn't talk more that night because we really didn't have any time together. I had arranged the photos that I had talked about getting a while back. I had them taken for our anniversary which is next week. I hope they turn out well. I went to a "Glamour Shots" kind of place where they do the hair and makeup and all and I wore the lipstick red dress I recently purchased for a fancy wedding we were supposed to attend. I hope the pics turn out well and I hope he likes them. The dress shows a lot of cleavage (what little I have) and the photos are pretty sexy so I'm actually wondering if they are a little passive aggressive. They should be ready next week. I think I will let H view the proofs and pick out what he likes. Of course, halfway through the photo shoot H calls and says, "Where are you? Are you ever coming home?" I had told him that I was going shopping for an anniversary present so he kind of knew what was happening but not really.
Right now I am actually feeling a little creepy about my sexuality. My H, in his fragile state is not someone I feel free to lust after. The fact that he hasn't touched me for two weeks makes me feel less than attractive and that makes me feel less interested too. My boss, who I've already described as an "office shark" has picked up on my feelings of despair and keeps referencing how "lucky" my husband is to have a "wife who is smart, beautiful and sexy." Ick. Ick. Ick. What kind of person am I that I can't attract the man who supposedly loves me and I attract sleaze of this kind?
Karen, Hugs to you. Sorry to hear about his "fragile" state. It really sucks feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid both being over the top as well as underwhelming to the person who is supposed to understand you better than any other. Believe me, I know that feeling well, and I sympathize. MrsGGB hasn't shown the slightest interest in me in over 3 weeks now, and I've given up on initiating any intimacy (kissing included) because the few times I have she's put up roadblocks. Right now, I've pretty much withdrawn myself into work and the kids.
The photos sound hot (don't post them here or you'll have all the guys on here panting too), but I definitely see where you are concerned that they may be a bit over the top given his current state of mind.
You know, I mentioned last month on my thread something about fluency in love languages and how we seem to yearn to have a SO that speaks our LL fluently, and how awkward it is trying to speak their LL when we ourselves barely know how to say hello in it. How much do you think a LL translation problem contributes to your situation? Guess what. Those glamour picts are "I love you" written in your LL, not his. I'm afraid that they'll be misinterpreted as pressure, or at the very least not very appreciated because of this. If you are not careful, it will be easy to take that 'rejection' personally, which may lead to even more resentment on your part. FWIW, I'd love for MrsGGB to do something like that for me, but I also doubt it will ever happen because 1) it isn't her LL and would probably never cross her mind, and 2) she's currently got a fairly poor self-image.
Oh, and the office shark. ick describes that situation perfectly. Try to take his interest as a compliment even though the source is not the ideal source. Imagine instead that it came from the rainbow guy.
