Defining the problem

[MJontheMend]

It is the opposite of comfortable for me to refrain from touching H, to refrain from mentioning sex, to refrain from reaching out to him. In fact, it becomes so uncomfortable over time that I reach the point usually to where I HAVE to - ask H about it, try to seduce him, pat him/pet him/touch him etc... Then, he knows that the pressure is on. I want to avoid that loop.

Really, you are having exactly the same thoughts I was having 9 mos. ago. Actually, though I did backslide in some ways by doing my "I will not initiate" exercise. I do think it led to some personal growth in other ways, along the lines you are describing above. I mean there is a difference between "not wanting to want" and respecting the fact that your spouse is clearly communicating that they don't want you to exhibit the behaviors that are a manifestation of your feelings of "wanting". For instance, if my H was giving me the "stiff body" response to hugging, I would stop giving hugs. I didn't stop feeling like I wanted to give him a hug, I just stopped engaging in behavior that was clearly unwanted. Where I went wrong was that I stopped clearly communicating that although I wasn't going to invade his "stiff body" hug space, I was still somebody who wanted to hug on a semi-frequent basis and I wasn't going to be happy in a hug-free or low-hug relationship. Of course, when it comes to cuddling, I guess I could farm out my needs in that regard by becoming the world's youngest foster grandmother or something but how many needs/wants can you farm out from your relationship without really causing the relationship to lack value for you? And obviously sex can't be farmed out within the context of a monogamous relationship. Another question would be how to you communicate your need for hugs to your "stiff body" spouse if you don't actually just reach out and attempt a hug. It seems like the only alternative is the ever-dreaded relationship talk.