On Friday my H thew a giant "man tantrum" (the ladies at work coined this one) then called and left me a long, angry voice mail to tell me that he did. I came home to a kitchen where H had "cleared" the counter by throwing everything away - coffee pot, blender, dirty dishes, in response to having spilled something and having trouble cleaning it up because no one had emptied and refilled the dishwasher in the morning. Behind him he left coffee on the floor and clear counters. He also took the kid's laptop computer and the play station and put them away. Then he went to work. In trying to discuss in when he came home he defended his actions the following way:
No one is helping (not really true). He feels all alone in the world because I did not take a day off of work last week when I was in so much pain from the procedure and he had to pick up my slack. Major offenses: no one took the garbage out Thursday night, no one cleaned the coffee pot (and he hates coffee and even the smell of it)... He said that he knows he is overreacting and being unreasonable but he just doesn't know what to do. He said that he didn't feel like hurting himself but that he was so emotionally depleted that he felt like checking in to the psych hospital. He also said that basically he couldn't please me no matter what etc.... (This is his standard tactic - he shames me for having needs, desires). He felt that I was only interested in him physically, that I wasn't interested in "talking" etc... AND that I only wanted all of that on my terms. I was so shocked that I only spluttered. "You are just wrong." To which he said, "probably I am but that is what I feel." We didn't get far in that discussion and it got out of control with yelling, walking away, H screaming with angry tears, lots of tears on my part etc...several times.
OK - anger is a primary symptom of male depression. I pointed that out - he still blames stress, lack of sleep etc... I was an am so angry that I don't know what to do. On Saturday I bought another coffee pot and blender and replaced them in the kitchen without a word. Other people live in our home besides him and we use those. I could barely speak when we went to a professional baseball game as a family on Saturday and could say thank you but felt very hollow about Mother's Day on Sunday. On Monday I stayed home all day because the baby was sick - worked on the garden, made a nice dinner, sorted through the girls winter/summer clothes etc... H was pretty friendly last night - rubbed my back on the couch etc... I feel alone.
So...I am sad, disillusioned, depressed and the escape hatch is shut. What to do? I am not dumping H. I am not willing to be his scapegoat. I am not willing to plead to be loved. I am not willing to live my current pathetic existence where I wait for whatever scraps he thows my way and then do tricks until I get some more. You dog people know what I'm talking about.
We have agreed that there is no way to try another IUI cycle next month if this one didn't take. I don't care.
What are my alternatives? Well, I guess I can just find other things to do with my mind and my time. We can co-parent, take care of our home and we can have a lovely, warm friendship. I can mb to take care of myself (although I know from experience that this only makes me more horny) just like he does and have no sexual expectations at all. I can schedule myself for massages, work on my female friendships and exercise a lot more. I can become supermom to my kids. They are growing up so fast they feel like they are getting away as it is. To me that is a half existence. That is having the kind of life that lots of women like because it limits their pain, the less intimacy, the less desire, the less pain - lower the expectations and voila everything is fine again. As Schnarch says, "H has said, love me, live within my limitations." Maybe it is time I just say - OK.
Sister Mary Karen, who must go to confession due to the sin of resentment
