Well, predictably I haven't instituted the treating H like a piece of meat plan but I did wear a lovely piece of lingerie to bed. I am tired of hiding my sexual self. I am tired of being told metaphorically to eat my vegetables. I am tired of being told that I can't have what I want that it isn't reasonable, that it is just some nonexistant fantasy. How exactly is a real kiss every day, sex twice a week, periodic affectionate hugs, compliments once in a while unreasonable? I consider these things to be bare minimum that you extend to someone you love. Someone you actually desire would probably get a great deal more than that. I KNOW. I have been desired before. This isn't it.
We are staying married. I am staying who I am - a sexual person. H seems to be staying who he is - a largely disinterested friend with benefits (like the college roomates who have sex only when they don't have someone else). Guess I better learn to value my sleep more than every d@mn thing that actually matters to me. Maybe if I sleep my life away I won't notice that I'm only H's best galpal.
Wow, nice post. I get that all the time. The "you are looking for a fairy tale relationship". No, I'm not. I'm looking for a healthy relationship between people who love and desire each other. Seems like it shouldn't be such a burden.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Well Balto, apparently it is too much to ask. Apparently, we are already getting what our spouse's intend to give. Sometimes, our spouse's actually believe that they are already stretching the boundaries of what they are comfortable with and we are simply ungrateful wretches. I can be awfully stubborn. Maybe I just need to quit being so stubborn.
I didn't intend to sidestep your questions on the baby issue. I am so angry, dissappointed etc... that I barely noticed that question. I would like another baby and time is not on our side. I don't think a baby will hurt the situation NOR would a baby help. I don't want a baby as much as H does - I have three, he has one. I feel that this is a non-issue in our lives for the most part. I think all of children could be gone from our home, moved out, leading happy lives and H would still avoid sex and avoid the topic too. The parenting part of our lives is probably the most intimate and satisfying thing going on for us most days.
Again...I'm not planning on divorcing and I'm pretty confident that H isn't either. Therefore, I have a lifetime to work on this topic OR learn to live with it as it is. I'm really not too excited about either plan at the moment.
Perhaps I really need to just hear what H is saying and act accordingly. H: "Hey, how about we schedule a date on Friday night?" Me: "Gee I'd love to but I scheduled a special confession with Fr. Gene and church comes before intimacy." H, lightly rubbing my thigh..... "Thanks H, I'm really tired that thigh rubbing is just the thing to put me right to sleep."
The parenting part of our lives is probably the most intimate and satisfying thing going on for us most days.
That is wonderful and also something to be wary of at the same time. Make sure that other areas of your life are just as intimate as the parenting one because sooner rather than later, the kids fly the coop. Lots of M's crash and burn around this time. My H's parents are a prime example. H's father really lost it the very day H went off to college. H tells the story of his mother watching out the back window and her H was frantically mowing the lawn with a bright red face, looking like he was about ready to scream or cry. They D soon after that time. Anyways, I think your own, one-on-one date nights (no kids allowed) is vital to keep some intimacy between a couple. Make it a priority.
I think that is just AWFUL that he puts on your shoulders that he feels you are sacrificing your relationship with him by seeing your parents 4 times a year. Family is SO important. He sounds like he is very selfish. He should never ask you not to spend time with your family. As I see it that will only lead you to lots of resentment because one day that won't be here anymore. Next time you want to go visit them I would leave him home and let him sleep the weekend away.
I also think his sleep excuse is just another way to avoid intimacy. Yeah again he uses an excuse and tries to put blame on you for sacrificing your sleep. Because why you want to spend a little time being intimate with your husband.
Karen I think you need to just try and put this issue aside maybe and just really begin to work on yourself. That was one of the best things I ever did. I never thought I could ever say these words but my marriage has really been turning around. My husband who I thought was the most LL man out there in the world now has a higher drive then me. Is now telling me I had better not fall asleep again. Sad thing is through the toll this takes I have become LL.
Thank you for the kind words. It isn't as bad as all that about my family. H is happy for them to come visit us often but he doesn't like to take the time to go down and visit them on their turf. My parents love the entertain and have an absolutely lovely home on the water. They want to share it with us and the kids. That is where the issue comes in. I have offered to go down without him and have one time when he had a toothache. Of course, he sees that as ME sacrificing our "time together." I think that this is such a big issue because he isn't close to his family. My Mom is in remission from bone cancer and I understand completely that my time with my parents on this earth is limited and precious. That is why I make sure to have lunch with them often (I work nearer to them than I live) and am willing to fight H on this.
Yes - he does use sleep as a way to avoid intimacy. He stays up late then sleeps late. I cannot follow this kind of schedule because unlike his work schedule mine is regular - I have to be up at 6am on weekdays, on weekends I am up whenver the baby decides (usually by 7). Therefore, it very elegantly allows him to be avoidant. Of course he has his "reasons." He sleeps late because he "needs" at least 10 hours of sleep a night to feel rested. He stays up late because he "needs" to wind down before coming to bed. Is it selfish? Yes, it is. I suppose I have some ways that I am selfish too.
I have gone through periods where I have simply quit working on this issue and worked on myself. The result is that H seems to conclude that I am now happy and satisfied. Well, to an extent that is true. I am confident about who I am, enjoy my own company and that of my friends and family. However, that doesn't replace my desire for an intimate sexual relationship. Therefore, I am still depriving myself and giving him the impression that it is ok with me.
Well, on the bright side, at least you know what it will take for you to actually *get* laid. Consider yourself fortunate to a degree, because some of us aren't getting laid at all these days. For months, even.
Quote: I know I will never get laid until my H goes through a whole series of other tasks that he considers more important or has to get out of the way in order to relax enough to have sex
I've read (and continue to re-read) both DR and SSM, and one question/issue keeps occuring to me (the HD element in my own adrift-at-sea SSM) on the notion of what has to "be done" for the LDer in order to "relax enough" for ML. This question/issue is:
When does that list ever friggin' END????
It never really seems to. There are *always* things undone around the house, never too much time spent with the kids, blahblahblahblah ... I realize that, as an HDer, I'm not hard-wired that particular way, but it occurs to me that work/house duty things needing to "be done first" serves as an awfully convenient excuse.
Which leads us to that other terribly convenient excuse that also perpetuates the evil circle, which is: How exhausted the LDer is for ML after trying to get everything on the list done so they can relax enough to ML ...
Like Rosanna Rosannadanna was fond of saying, "It's always something."
Sabu
It's better to need someone because you love them than it is to love someone because you need them.
That quote comes from Mojo although it is also true in my M. I will get laid periodically when all the planets align for my H. What I won't get is regular sex or spur of the moment sex. He won't suddenly come do me in the bathroom or my clothes closet or in his basement office. He won't make a lewd compliment when we are dressed for a party. He won't give me an open mouthed kiss at the end of a workday, feel me up and promise something more later. He only seems to "want" me when it is convenient for him. Never mind what my desires might be.
I am in a resentful mode and I realize that I do have it somewhat better than others. However, I often wonder if we will soon move from the current lack of frequency (once or twice/month) to an even worse frequency. I have no reason to believe that it won't happen that way.
Michele's book might be helpful if my H ever read it OR would define the problem in a similar way to how I do OR would be willing to consider my viewpoint even if he disagreed OR indeed, if he truly valued me (which I often doubt).
Family is SO important. He sounds like he is very selfish. He should never ask you not to spend time with your family. As I see it that will only lead you to lots of resentment because one day that won't be here anymore. 