Back from our trip. We did have a nice time on the trip and we did ML twice and we did talk some on the four hour trip home about the issue we are having.

It was evident that he was truly exhausted on the weekend. We missed an exit that caused us to take about two more hours than it should have to get there. On the car trip to the place we talked a lot about kids and work stuff - I figured that we should get that part of the discussion out of the way if possible. We had a nice dinner, drank wine, cuddled and went to sleep. The next day we ml in the morning, did a 2.5 mile trail hike, spent time in the hot tub, laid around and watched movies and otherwise relaxed. We had no cell signal and H seemed happy with that. On Sunday we woke up ml again, had brunch and proceeded home - it took four hours rather than six and we took another hour to look around at a shop and get some dinner before we went home.

On the way home I brought up the issue of the big argument we had and how it still hurt me long after. He, of course, saw it as a "blow up and over and done with" kind of thing. He again posited the overwhelming exhaustion/stress that he feels (the fire we had, the work, the kids, fertility stuff) as being responsible for him needing to "disengage" and regroup. He sees it as a values issue where I will sacrifice myself for other (including sacrificing he and I) by making us see my family once in three months on a weekend where we had something scheduled on Sunday too AND had full work weeks on top of that, that I will sacrifice my sleep for him and the kids, that I will sacrifice myself in every situation. He stated (in essence) that he does not value sacrificing himself for the sake of the marriage or sex or other family members. He sees it as self destructive so when he needs to, he chooses to disengage. We haven't been to church in a month due to all the travel - he stated clearly that he values church over sex and if we aren't making it to church then... He states that he recognizes that this has been this way since November or so and that he is aware that we only ML when it is "time." He feels that he is offering "solutions" when he sets stricter parameters around his work (as he has offered), sets a policy of no weekend travel on both days for the next several months and making going to bed at a more reasonable hour of night a priority. Of course, this whole deal doesn't match my view of the "problem" so it doesn't sound like a solution to me. Further, he believes that I want some utopian relationship that has never existed for any couple, ever, and so .... Basically, he said that it isn't working for him either so this is his solution.

I pointed out that I don't even define the problem the same way (he agreed). I told him that if one has desire for their spouse that they will make time to communicate that regardless (not always with sex). I told him that the R between S's should not be shifted by every wind that blows our way. I told him (in essence) that I reject his solution to the problem. He told me that if we did as he suggested we wouldn't be having to have this conversation.

The compromise: I will follow his perscription until June (which is when he believes we can can achieve enough cumulative hours of rest/sleep etc...). After that, if things are not better, happier, more connected than we look at other issues or solutions.

I am disgusted and I am hurt and I don't see how we are to find our way out of this if we can't even agree on the basic issue. His issue: sleep/rest. My issue: relationship/sex too low on priority list. At one point I actually found it necessary to ask (stupid, I know), "H, do you think I am pretty?" His answer: "I think you are just beautiful."

I am really contemplating spending from now until June staying out of his way - just GAL, working out, reading, doing my own thing in the evenings and leaving room for him to get all the "rest" he needs. I will even go to bed early so that he knows that I am getting "rest" too.

Or is that just me being a PITA?

On to the other things suggested: H IS an avoider for sure. He avoids intimacy and avoids situations that make him feel uncomfortable too. I don't think I am really just "a means to end" in having babies and such but I do think that a lot of the time I amount to merely a "partner" in the business of raising the kids whom he loves more than anything. Raising the kids comes before every other thing except God. For H (values wise) I think it goes: Faith, Kids, Karen, Work. I'm in there but I'm not one or two and number four is what puts food on the table so time spent goes: Faith, Kids, Work, Karen.

Karen