Hello and happy new year my good friend Jenny! As you know, you and I share many similarities re. our situations.
The "words of wisdom" I have on the subjects you've raised are actually the ones I'm trying to follow myself as my H appears to be consistently hovering at the recon. line recently. I think the tendency for us to almost feel overwhelming inpatience and sadness that we don't have the loved or safe feelings in our marriages at this stage is really difficult to deal with at times. Yet, the signs of progress, as small as they may sometimes be, have to be our focus. My H has accused me in the past of seeing the "glass half empty, as opposed to half full" and I'm trying to put a much different spin on my thought process. It is not an easy task though. I believe, as we have encouraged eachother in the past, that our Hs are watching closely to see if their homes can be a safe/comfortable place for them again. My suspicion is that they once seriously doubted the likelihood of being happy with us again and now they think they can, but are terrified of being wrong and of things returning to the "old" patterns. Their fears, though different from ours and seeming to often be only masked selfishness, are real to them I'm sure.
My plan is to continue DB'ing with as much vigor as possible and prove to my H that this world with me and our children will be a safe/comfortable/happy place for us. My patience wears thin on all of this at times, as I know yours does, but we must avoid OR conversations completely now. I still think of this stage of rebuilding our marriages in somewhat of an analogy form: We're absolutely famished and we keep sitting down at a beautiful, four-star restaurant to be served the meal of a lifetime. We're served the appetizer and it's delicious, but the waiter announces that that is all that will be served--no soup, salad, main course,... and absolutely no desert! Not only do we want the rest of our meal Jenny, we can almost taste the desert! We want the full menu before us on a reliable basis! Enough of the analogies, but I know you know what I mean.
Keep DB'ing Jenny and remind yourself of the "glass half full." Actually, I think your glass might be 2/3 full and mine is still at 1/2. Keep inspiring the rest of us too--you're doing wonderfully! Jamie
