HI! Ooh! Congratulations on the apology. I am hoping for that some day myself... as I have apologized for what I have done to my H. I also sympathize with not feeling loved or secure yet.. I got my first "I love you, too" in 13 weeks. Yes, I initiated it, but I had also continued to tell him that I loved him through this. I know I have a desparate need for continued support and ideas too!! And yet now that I have started to posting here in Piecing my marriage Back together there are less responses. I am still confused and impatient, but I really want this to work. My H is saying he'll be home "long before July" (when his lease runs out), but I am still craving to have my needs being met. AGH!!!! I am so impatient these days!! But do hang on to the baby steps that your H is making!! An apology is a heckuva baby step, too. HANG IN THERE!! GREAT DBing!!!
Hello and happy new year my good friend Jenny! As you know, you and I share many similarities re. our situations.
The "words of wisdom" I have on the subjects you've raised are actually the ones I'm trying to follow myself as my H appears to be consistently hovering at the recon. line recently. I think the tendency for us to almost feel overwhelming inpatience and sadness that we don't have the loved or safe feelings in our marriages at this stage is really difficult to deal with at times. Yet, the signs of progress, as small as they may sometimes be, have to be our focus. My H has accused me in the past of seeing the "glass half empty, as opposed to half full" and I'm trying to put a much different spin on my thought process. It is not an easy task though. I believe, as we have encouraged eachother in the past, that our Hs are watching closely to see if their homes can be a safe/comfortable place for them again. My suspicion is that they once seriously doubted the likelihood of being happy with us again and now they think they can, but are terrified of being wrong and of things returning to the "old" patterns. Their fears, though different from ours and seeming to often be only masked selfishness, are real to them I'm sure.
My plan is to continue DB'ing with as much vigor as possible and prove to my H that this world with me and our children will be a safe/comfortable/happy place for us. My patience wears thin on all of this at times, as I know yours does, but we must avoid OR conversations completely now. I still think of this stage of rebuilding our marriages in somewhat of an analogy form: We're absolutely famished and we keep sitting down at a beautiful, four-star restaurant to be served the meal of a lifetime. We're served the appetizer and it's delicious, but the waiter announces that that is all that will be served--no soup, salad, main course,... and absolutely no desert! Not only do we want the rest of our meal Jenny, we can almost taste the desert! We want the full menu before us on a reliable basis! Enough of the analogies, but I know you know what I mean.
Keep DB'ing Jenny and remind yourself of the "glass half full." Actually, I think your glass might be 2/3 full and mine is still at 1/2. Keep inspiring the rest of us too--you're doing wonderfully! Jamie
Jenny I am thrilled for you!! Can you see me whooping and hollering? Yeah my friend Jenny has made it to this board.
I think you have really hit the mark as to why I haven't been as happy as I thought I would be at this point. I too do not feel secure or loved completely yet. I guess this must be pretty normal from what I read on your other replys.
My H for the first few weeks kept talking as if he was not going anywhere and finally when I didn't respond to something he said with enthusiasm he asked me what was wrong. I said you haven't even said I Love You yet and you are making plans like nothing has happened. He said he was painfully aware that he had not said those words yet. I told him he had to slow down a bit. The next day he said I Love You for the first time in a long time. He does say it now more easily and seems happy with his decision to stay and that is good. I think it is going to take some time for me to feel secure again so for now I still have a little guard up. So give your H a little more time he will get there. The other thing bothering me now is that I have changed a lot to meet his needs and make him happy and I expect him to put out the effort to learn to be a better H too. I have to tell myself that this too will take time. We are at different stages of our journeys so he needs time to catch up to me I think.
Communication skills I believe is what my H and I need to work on. In the past he has not been able to express his feelings because he is a conflict avoider. So while things are good here we still have a lot of work to do.
Jenny your good news has made my day. I have been praying that you would be here soon and now you are. Keep doing what you have been doing. I am curious did you pull back and get on with your life like we talked about? Do you think that is what made your H start thinking more clearly? It sure seems that our H's have to see that we are ready to go on without them before they begin to see that what they really want is right there at home.
[This message has been edited by Johnswife (edited 01-05-2000).]
This is ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL news for the New Year/Century/Millennium!
An apology is the first step in the journey of a thousand miles, what do you think? Okay, so you've already covered 999 of those darn miles but your H is just getting started (and he's wearing new shoes so he needs a bit to break them in ).
DBing & WGtCHMing is 2nd nature for you, so just keep doing what you've been doing. Until he's ready to tell you 'I love you Jenny' how about 'acting as if' he's saying it already AND that is when your heart's desire will come to fruition.
The hurt and pain over the past year is valid. Here's something to try if you think it will work for you. On a piece of a paper, write each month of the past year in addition to the words 'my hurt' and 'my pain.' Then crumple up each piece of paper, month by month, and throw it in the trash (or burn it in the fireplace or some other method that will 'push' these feelings and/or thoughts away constructively) while taking a deep breath and releasing the breath as each piece of paper is released.
Best Wishes, as always, Jenny Baker!
[This message has been edited by pondering (edited 01-05-2000).]
My W and S moved back into our house last week. She had left me a note & moved out 5 weeks ago with our son. She said she was on the edge of a breakdown. We had trust and communication problems for a while and recently she had a miscarriage(second one) and found out she had fibroids. She said she wasn't happy and didn't love me the right way anymore. We had a very friendly Christmas and W moved back home later on in the week from her moms house. We had a discussion Christmas night about our problems and lack of communication since she had moved out. She was distancing herself from me and her home. She had brought up the D word numerous times during her absence. I told her I loved her with all my heart but right now I was the least important person in her life. I gave her my wedding ring and said when you are ready give that back to me. She started to cry and made me put it back on. It seems that this sort of made her come back home sooner than I had anticipated. We went to a NY's eve party together and I nursed her from the flu. She apologized for the mess that had happened and I too apologized. We have been enjoying each others company and I have been staying positive and implementing DB tactics even thought I backslide on occasion. I have been showing her unconditional love and she has a hard time understanding why I keep on doing what I'm doing when she is verbally mean and throws the D word around at me. Since moving back in she has been touchy and feely with me and has even spoke of going to Disney for a vacation. Our son,who is 8 years old, still wants a baby brother and W said how about if we adopt? Another shocker! Than last night she said she thinks she moved in too soon and she wants rules established?? It kind of threw me for a loop but I told I loved her and said as long as we stay positive and communicate we can make it all work out. I know everything takes time and I think I got too excited about her moving back in. I need some advice as to what is next now that she is actually back??!!
Jenny, Hi! Congratulations! An apology---WOW!!!! I haven't gotten anything close to that yet. My h is still angry at me for the way I got him home.
WOW! I am so glad to hear that your h is finally making steps in the right direction. It sure takes a long time, huh? I am so happy for you, and so glad to hear from you. I was wondering how things have gone with you. You have and will remain in my prayers. GG
Jenny, I am so happy for your progress. I think about you often and have read a few of your responses on Autumn's threads. The rebuilding is so difficult because you are always waiting for the rug to come out from under you. An apology is a big deal and the beginning of what could be happily ever after. My H didn't apologize until Dec. 10. He apologized for how badly he hurt me and told me that he was really ahamed of himself for putting his whole family through what we went through. Even though I knew things were heading in that direction, it felt really good hearing him say that. What was even more exciting is that he said he loved me and that he will never regret staying. He wonders how I had the wherewithall to keep myself going. So the other stuff will come in his time, not yours. I know how you long for this part of your life to be over with, but you know what? You have stuck it out thus far and he will admire you for how well you have kept things together in spite of his poor behavior. Maybe by Valentine's Day?????? he is starting to wake up and realize what he has, and that means a lot. Also the fact that he is still at home says a lot for where you are heading. Keep the faith and patience. My H and I are going to Lake Placid for a skiing weekend next weekend, alone without kids. This will be the 2nd time in the past 2 months!!! I think I can get used to this. Keep us updayted, and please...stay in this forum. It's great you finally made it here! Karen
So this is where you've been hanging out. I kept reading references to this apology on Autumn's threads. I kept going back to re-read previous threads to find the reference point. Tonight I'm "surfing" some of the other forums to see what's new. Lo and behold...I found you!!!!
What fantastic news. As I have told you before I have come to trust your advice and wisdom. It positively emanates from your postings. Nobody deserves this more than you. You already know this, but I will go ahead and give you the word of caution. Take it SSSSLLLLOOOOWWWWW. You are where you have wanted to be. Just remember that your H is miles behind you in your journey, and he has much catching up to do. It is important that you keep your expectations realistic. Things will still need to happen on his timetable rather than yours.
My prediction is that once he begins to catch up to you your mutual journey will pick up speed. There will be many speed bumps on the journey, but those are simply opportunities for each of you to learn more about the other.
Boy, this cowboy wishes he were in your boots right now. Things are looking better in my situation, but I certainly do not expect an apology to ahppen like you had. I am hearing sincere "thank you's" and receiving many hugs and even a kiss the other day. I continue to give my wife space and unconditional acts of love.
I am still confused and impatient, but I really want this to work. My H is saying he'll be home "long before July" (when his lease runs out), but I am still craving to have my needs being met. AGH!!!!
