Let's say that your marriage has achieved the BARE minimum in terms of sex and physical touch, but it is apparent that your wife will NEVER be able to be horny for you, even on RARE occasions. Are you willing to give this up, or will you still harbor resentment for her, and maybe even divorce her?
Fortunately things have improved since I did a lot of active posting here (Dr. Laura's Feeding of Husband books was a big help in helping my wife understand my feelings), so I don't think I'll face this problem.
But HYPOTHETICALLY in the situation you mention (and a year or so ago when I joined this board I thought it was hopelessly the actual reality) I would -- and again I can say this honestly because I WAS there:
1) I would not "be willing to give it up."
2) I WOULD "harbor resentment."
3) But I would NEVER divorce her. Not only because I am a Christian and consider divorce absolutely not an option, but because I honestly deeply love my wife more than words can possibly describe...even over and above and outside of the sex part. There is no doubt in my mind that she is right and intended by God for me. None. And if the sex isn't always up to the level I would like....well that is what God gave me hands to make up the difference with.
It would depend on how hard I thought she was TRYING to work on her issues to make it better, CeMar. Even if I saw little or even NO hope for it to ever get beyond what you describe, I could not possibly resent her if I saw her honestly trying and struggling with it. And I'd certainly never divorce her if she were trying.
Since your "let's say" is my reality, I'm qualified to answer this one:
Willing to give it up? Not as long as I'm not a quadraplegic or something equally disastrous. But that's neither here nor there, because she actually made that decision *for* me, because, well, it's kind of hard to get laid without her participation. Question now becomes: "How long am I willing to go without?" That answer varies with my level of disgust over the state of my life on any particular day.
Harbor resentment? You bet. The resentment will continue, perhaps deepen, until the things keeping her from me change either by her own conclusion or during the course of MC.
Divorce her? My initial answer to that would be no. But the Reality Answer depends on who falls in love with me first: My wife, or someone else that God (or maybe the devil himself) chooses to bring into my life in time.
Sabu
It's better to need someone because you love them than it is to love someone because you need them.
Hi, CeMar, Glad to see you're still fighting the good fight.
My W still does not initiate sex, but I have nearly stopped initiating as much. Actually, I don't get turned down that often, since I don't ask that often.
When I do ask, she'll say something like, "I don't know how you can find the time for sex when you say you don't have time for ..." Like 30 minutes every two months is a big drain on my time.
Yes, I resent this. I would ask much more often if I didn't have to worry about getting burned. Divorce? Affair? I'd still have to say no, but one should never say never. A few years ago, I thought that if she were to have an affair my world would end. Now I think that I'd be angry and hurt, but I would endure.
I am still mandksdad and still don't sleep with W, but I'm kind of liking it that way. I'm sleeping way better, and I don't blame the kids. When W and I ML it's almost always in the morning after the kids have gone to school. It's not enough, but when it does happen I'm on cloud nine for a week.
Glad to hear that you can get to cloud 9 still after a session of sex. When I have sex with the wife I still resent her. Basically sex with her is just an advanced form of MB. There is no EC during or after the sex, it is not making love. Making love requires relatively equal levels of participation. We don't have sex because she WANTS me, we have sex because I "need" it, and when you have sex that way, it pretty much defeats the whole purpose of physical touch. Its almost like a withdrawl from my love bank.
Interesting question. Actually, this issue is exactly why my marriage is falling apart (or so we have figured out). Apparently, she was never that into me but married me anyway. So after the first several years, sex became a real chore for her, and though sometimes she would really be into it, it got to the point wherre I was very resentful, and after getting blown off so many times, I started to take it out on her in other ways, like, well if she's not going to meet my needs, I'm not going to meet hers. Since her LL is Acts of Service, that meant not paying attention to her to-do list, which made her want sex with me even less. So now the issues have gotten so bad, she's telling me we're done and never having sex again. I'm DBing and doing all the things she wants, but there is no reciprocation, and she says there never will be (I know, believe none of what they say...). So, I guess the answer for me is that either she will decide to work on the R (and that will include sex) or I will be divorced.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Interesting how she blammes YOU, when in reality she should be blaming herself. She is literally saying that YOU are in charge of her desire. In other words, you must meet her needs UNCONDITIONALLY while your needs will be met CONDITIONALLY. Until she can desire you unconditionally, your stuck. Join the club.
Very perceptive of you. I have actually asked her if she felt loved unconditionally in our marriage, and she replied she had. I have also told her that her love always had conditions attached to it, and because of that, she would always find reasons to not love me (since I'm not perfect and eventually do something that makes me seem [to her] unlovable). But it's not just me; she has done it to all her friends and it's gotten to the point she doesn't have any friends. Who knows how long it will take for her to fix all of this stuff, if ever. Stuck is right.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
