well... we had a looong talk last night. He told me I dont fullfill his emotional needs and he has this huge void in his heart. He knows he loves me with all his heart and soul and for some reason I refuse to fill his emotional needs even though he tells me what it is he needs. grrrrr. I said I dont know what it is you want because everything you have talked to me about I have worked so hard to change and do what you ask and there is always something new. what do you want from me? he said well what are all these changes you have made for me? so I ran down the list, and he said right, right, right.... okay well what he wants from me is what everyone else gets from me. I explained I do give it to you you dont like it. I have learned you dont like the way I naturally help and suport others and am really trying to learn how it is you like to be suported and heard and trying to do that for you, its new to me and quite unatural but I am trying very hard to. I explained the active listening with him compared to organizing thoughts and helping work through one prob at a time. He did say he dosnt want advice or solutions.
He said well what about the words of affirmation, why wont you give me the words. (grrrr) I said I do comment on the good things you do ALOT! I make a point of it. He pointed out the example of earlier when he asked me to tell him whats in my heart for him (yikes) So I explained my feelings about that. I said I have come from a long way down this path, from straight hating you, to being able tolerate you, to likeing you, to loving you and wanting to try on this marriage, and now I feel a bit pressured to come up with an explaination of feelings I just dont quite have yet and I presume its going to take time. He said so you dont love me? I said I know I love and care about you. There is so many great qualities you have that I love and make me want to work things out, you can be so loving and understanding and empathetic... but then you can turn around and snatch it all away. I take a chance and peak out of my hole and open up, feel comfortable with you then you slam me down and I run back in my hole wanting out of this marriage desperatley. I cant stand the extremes, the instablity the unpredictablity. He said well thats normal in a marriage there are ups and downs I cant be perfect all the time I can have stressful times that I just cant be perfect. I said its not a matter of being perfect its the extremes. Yes, its normal for there to be ups and downs, but I dont think the downs should be so extreme that you want a divorce. Disagreements yes are normal but they shouldnt be disrespectful and hurtful. He said well I have tried really hard and things are definitly not like they were. I said things were EXTREMELY BAD before and now they are not as bad, yet still not acceptable. Emotional and verbal abuse is not okay. He said I am always doing something, before I was physicaly and sexually abusing you and now I am emotionally and verbally abusing you... I said well yes as a matter of fact you were and it was quite serious, what do you think you were doing to me? He said you are right I know what I did was terrible and I have a lot of problems dealing with that I am so sorry for all I did to you but thats all dead in the water now, I feel like you still look at me and think of me as that same person. I said I dont.
He said he wants whats in my heart, he wants to have heart to hearts with me but I wont. I said I open up to you and take chances, each time I do I impressed with your reactions and all your wonderful attributes, except then later you use my emotional vulneralbities against me to hurt me and you stop being the person you were. It makes it very dificult for me to open up with whats in side.
He asked why I refuse to reasure him. I said what do you mean. He said I hurt him and he lives in terror and fear that all he loves will be gone, and be a lie. I need to know you wont do again what you did before. I said I have learned from what happend and I dont want to inadvertanly end up there again. He said thank you very much it means a lot to me to hear that. (okay I have said that lots of time and he is acting as if this is the first time) He asked what was so hard about telling me that and taking responsibilty for yourself? I said I dont want to hear I am a liar and pretending to be something I am not... He said I get it, I have always called you a liar and questioned your words, well I have healed enough to not do that anymore, so you dont need to be afraid that that will be my response.
He then asked if I loved him and want to be with him or not. I said I love and care about you, but I cant live the way things are. He said you are talking in double talk, just pick one of two lines: you love me and want to be with me or you love but dont want to be with me. I said its not that simple! I love you but I dont want to be with you the way things are, things have to change. He said why do you have to go in three diferent directions why cant you just pick one of the two lines? I said okay then I love you and dont want to be with you. we both talked about divorce. I said he is under a HUGE amount of stress.
I said well since its so stressful for you to be here with all the home stress along with all the work stress, why dont you move out get your own place and work on yourself at least take this stress out of your life and spend some time working on you and looking within. He said is that what you want? I said well yes if it will help you. He said well is that what you want, for me to move out? I reiterated I wanted him to work on him.
I dont really know where we are now, if we are getting a divorce or not? we talked about it, I explained I cant live like this and I wont put up with HIS drinking. He defended his drinking with he didnt know what else to do and he isnt drinking that much. He is soooo full of it because he gets VERY drunk, just this morning I woke up to our bathroom flooded because he turned the shower head on and left on and dangling and it sprayed out all over the bathroom for who knows how long. I couldnt understand a word he said when he came to bed either. He told me I am willing to fulfill him every other way but verbally.
What am I suposed to do? lie and say there are things in my heart that are not? he said well why do you keep saying you love me? I said well I do love you, and I want you to feel loved and secure and the more good moments we have the more love should grow. I dont want to go back to all the pressure of do you love me yet questions. He said I havent done that to you in months. I said I know and I dont want to go back to it either. he said well "I cant be all you want me to be, and you cant be all I need you to be. I do want to be all you want me to be" I told him I have tried desperatley to be all you have asked for and I just cant seem to get it right for some reason because you keep telling me I am not fulfilling your emotional needs and I have tried to do all you have asked, I am at a loss...
okay well poured out here. thanks for listening. Suz
[This message has been edited by Sue (edited 01-10-2000).]
