THANK YOU ALL OF YOU Okay so was that all of your unbiased oppinions? because I am not out to just be told I am right, I want to handle things right. I was thinking of all you said Wesse, and perhaps my H felt like your H was making you feel. He needed to feel heard. I thought I did good on the active listening and discussing solutions etc. But he seems to have a "need" to be heard going on and on. My counselor pointed out a that my H seems to think all his wants are his needs. So I think in this situation we need to some how come to an agreement or compromise so he can feel heard and I dont have to feel frustrated listening to the lengthy complaining. Or, does it mean I dont care because I dont want to hear it for so long??? hmmmm.
Yes Rich, I know, thats why I have such a hard time staying off the focuss of his drinking because I know how it indirectly affects so much. It changes him even when he is sober. He is not certain kind of drunk, like many are mean or lovable or happy or sad, he is what ever his mood is and extremely exagerated. however once he starts putting it into his system it affects his brain and thinking for quite some time. Its not the same as a healthy person who is just altered when they are inebriated.
Rayanne, I would love to just leave but it wasnt like he was mad at me, he was very frustrated with our kids conduct and behavior. He was telling me this morning that he felt our kids are going to play a major factor in ruining our marriage and causing us to get a divorce. Okay that just really annoyed me big time! but I kept my mouth shut because I didnt want to argue, but I personally feel thats just shifting the blame!!! taking the focus off of his own actions that are a major factor in causeing us problems.
This is what happend today. I think I messed up. We were laying together hugging and cuddling on the couch and listening to music while the kids were playing in the back yard. So it was nice and peaceful and just quite an enjoyable time. He then told me he loved me. and I said I love you too. He said you do love me? I said yes. He said are you in love with me? (grrrr) I said yes. He said how do you know? I went BLANK!!! I said I dont know. (great answer) He said well how do you know you love me? I said I dont know what to tell you I dont know how to explain that. He said you just open your heart and speak of whats inside. GREAT!!! I started thinking up ways of how people know they are in love with each other to say those things, but I had to keep stopping myself because they clearly didnt fit. I said I just dont know how. He said okay then go ahead and give me your logical answer I know you have that in there. I said okay well Love is a choice, I choose to love you and I show that by all I do for you in fullfilling your needs and taking care of you. He said oh (not very enthusiastically) well whats in your heart? (grrrrr) well to end this maddening talk it turned into a ticklefest and then he said he had to go to the hardware store. So shoot I dont know what to do or say at this point. I dont want to go back to the love/in love BS conversations! sorry I know that sounds cold but I had months of that and I dont want to go back to the constant "do you love me yet" questions and all that pressure. I just always say I love you too. and since I found out it means so much to him to hear it from me with out him having to say it first I having been saying it on my own. Now I am feeling kinda of stuck and trapped! Like dug myself into a hole.
I read Helens post today on my Detaching with love vs controlling thread. Oh my Gosh, dont even know what to say, I understand her and I am just starting to feel at such a loss now, I have been posting away for months and now I just feel like a very confused newcommer in away. There is so much I know and have learned but my feelings are so seperate.
okay done rambling! thanks again, Wesse, Rayanne, and Rich.
