I think I'd be feeling somewhat abused, disrespected, and belittled if I were you right now. I hope that writing helped and that at the very least you get an apology in the morning.
My H & I have had those encounters that went on for days. Ours have only happened recently and were always related to his EA. With us the roles were reversed and I was the one who wouldn't let things drop because I didn't feel like my H was understanding how I felt. He was hearing my words but they had no impact.
I don't know about your H, but tension used to go on and on with my H for days when I would be upset because he is a master at what our counsellor calls "passive resistance. I call it "ducking and dodging," "sweeping it under the rug, etc." He would "agree" and expect me to leave it alone and move on when there has not been any real discussion, resolution, or empathy for my feelings.
Obviously, in your case, we don't know if your H is being abusive (clearly he's going overboard fussing for hours and expecting you to just sit and take it - is he using you as a scapegoat when things don't go well at work - is he drinking- is he moody)or if he is legitimately feeling that he is not getting through (whether you are being passively resistant - by the way my H would appear to "agree" with what I said but I could tell it was with all the sincerity of the kitchen doormat). From counselling I learned not to unload on him, but I'd withdraw until he would begin to discuss whatever was upsetting to me IN GOOD FAITH. This was not good either, but it was something my counsellor suggested and though terribly time consuming, it sort of worked. Generally, though I'd never get his attention until after I got really angry and then withdrew.
A messy house does seem to really be upsetting to your H. Some of us are truly anal about that - I know because I am one of them. Through the years, my H has gone from living in utter chaos (His apartment was unlike anything I have ever seen before or since) to being reasonably neat at home in consideration for me. I am someone who is totally miserable and unable to function without organization. Also, a nice house seems to be the gratification I need for my work outside the home. I don't know if that is a woman thing or if some men need that, too. My children and husband have finally come to understand that Mom will always have this pet neurosis. As they get older they actually seem to appreciate it.
I think that your H's remarks to your children were WAY WAY OUT OF LINE. That is something the two of you need to deal with. He is carrying around a load of bitterness for some reason. I do hope he is not trying to justify leaving again. You must feel like you are living in mine field where it is just impossible to relax. It sounds like the clean up situation would be pretty easy to handle with something like a 1 hour pickup time just before Dad gets home, but his unloading on you makes it sound like kid clutter may not be the real problem. Why is it so hard for the working spouse to respect the work at home spouse? I don't think I could make it at home unless my H were at home too. We work together, and he doesn't second guess me there. I know that I couldn't handle having him coming home and critique how I'd spent my day. I also know I'd have a hard time staying motivated to keep house with 3 little children. Many years ago I did it for a brief period in summers. I found that I had to set aside half of my day for the menial stuff that I hated like housework and errands. The rest of the time I was generally busy with the kids and doing things that I felt I needed or WANTED to do but that might not impress my H much. I still find that I have to resort to that when I have time off because time has a way of getting away from me.
I understand that your H has expectations for some benefits of taking on all the responsibility of being the "breadwinner" and some interest in how reasonably neat and clean the house is in that he lives there too, but to me there seems to be a really tricky balance in asking for a reasonably kept house, good full time mothering, and showing respect and appreciation for everything that is involved in your day. Many years ago, an older aquaintance of mine who was a stay at home mother once laughed about how she always had her kids scrubbed and the house straightened just before her H walked in because she knew "where their bread was buttered." It struck me wrong at the time, but they seem to have had a really good marriage.
I expect that you can deal with the kid clutter and show H that you have dealt with it so that he can now look forward to coming home to peace... I also hope that later you will be able to take up your VALID concerns about the way he went so overboard at you with his anger. If he doesn't want a child for a wife, he should not treat you like one. Scratch that, he shouldn't go overboard like that with a child either. Keep your chin up, and I hope things go well in the days ahead.
