but I am feeling really mad at this moment!!! My H just called me up yelling at me and carrying on... I havent been answering the phone and he has been trying to get a hold of me all morning. But does he bother to leave a message? NO! He hasnt worked overtime for a long time. well we cant manage with out it. so for the last two months I have not been able to pay the over $1200/mo MINIMUM payments on our credit cards!!! the ones he charged up drinking and buying whatever he wanted and I had to purchase groceries with them while he was blowing tons of money and not working ot!! grrrr. so now the creditors have been calling all day and I am just not picking up the phone and he knows this!!! grrrr! I am so mad at him. okay settling down, he is just an idiot and thats that
Okay, well yesterday my H came home from work, didnt say anything to any body just went upstairs. a couple hours later my d went upstairs to find him, and found him in our closet. Okay this totally freaked me out. well he came down and said, I was laying on the bed but it was so bright in our room I just wanted to be in darkness (we have big windows and 1/2 rounds that arent covered) so he decided to lay down in our closet and listen to music in the dark to get out of his head for a while. He appologized for being so mean to me earlier and that he was just under so much pressure and stress and confusion. He is really taking it hard about his friend that got walked off the job. He just cant believe what the guy was doing, and is just wondering if all his friends are crap (thinking of his closest friend that I was in the EA with)or if he just attracts no good people etc. he feels like everyone around him is going to do him wrong.
now I am feeling bad, like here he is all stressed out and I am upset with for jumping all over me. I feel confused, I mean what kind of W plans to leave like this.
well I guess I did good yesterday when he was talking to me about it all. I tend to try to organize my thoughts, think on one thing at a time and come up with the best solution I can then set it aside and not worry on it... but that kind of thought process seems to drive my H crazy. If I go through and talk about one thing at a time with him. its like he wants to be upset about things and dwell on them.
When my friends come to me to talk about their problems I work through them with them and they usually feel so much better. so in realizing this with him I practiced the active listening and didnt try to help him organize his thoughts. just listend to his complaints and didnt comment on his behavior earlier that day, he was apologizing and explaining it. (Hey, when I apologize and explain he gets mad, says I am justifying my behavior ... but he can, okay well thats just him.of course it does seem like a double standard to me)
When he was talking about how he felt about everyone around him etc. I told him well, all people make mistakes and fall to temptations no one is perfect. Many times people get sucked into corruption and there is such negativity in that job that some will get confused and make poor choices. I didnt want him to feel I was defending his friends behavior, and usually when I say things like this he takes it I am defending the on that did wrong. so I then said I just dont know what to tell you, but I know its very dificult when you are let down by someone you care about and when you find out things they do or are into that you dont approve of or cannot condone. I then just tried to listen and be empathetic and understanding but didnt give him any advice or solutions. so I think I handled that well.
as far as personal self I dont think I took care of myself well. I let his call get to me and upset me. I should have thought to myself he is just upset and stressed out and its his problem and his feelings. rather then let myself feel so upset and hurt by it. this is an area I really need to work on.
Is it really possible? can someone you love yell at you and say lots of mean things and accusations... and you just not be shaken by it? you know I have done it before but I was totally prepared for it, this caught me off guard. it takes a lot of energy to always be on guard and prepared... is that just how I need to be? should I expect to live that way with or with out him? am I expecting too much? I guess I am back to questioning whats normal.
I think you handled the situation well. You realized your normal way of analyzing the problem would not work and changed your tactics. I tend to give advice and move on too but some people don't respond to that.
As far as what is normal? Maybe if your H really feels that you are supporting him that will make him less tense and ratchet down his stress level? Then you won't need to be on 24 hr alert.
Although with that type of job it seems he will always be in a pressure cooker.
There is a chapter regarding role reversal that may apply to your situation. Basically you thinking is highly rational, logical and organized, his is emotional and subjective.
This John Gray speculates is a reversal of tradition thinking and role patterns and leads to symtoms that you may be experiencing.
Rich, thanks! It seems to be getting easier. I am so used to my friends comming to me with a whirl wind of problems going through their minds and helping them my usual way. So I could have easily slipped up with my H. Hey ya know, I think that was one of the things that botherd me! so many people appreciate and are thankful when i help them sort through their problems when he is resentful and thats how I feel misunderstood and unapreciated by him. I guess thats where I felt so frustrated with him. Changing the way I help him makes him apreciate me. Today he called from work very happy to just hear my voice and tell me how pleased he is with how nice and clean our house is.
He came home after a really tough day today, and was still very nice and very apreciative of me.
So is this due to him feeling suported by me? or is this that same cycle we keep going through where he blows up then is nice because he feels bad for blowing up at me when I didnt deserve it.
I have to say active listening is definitly much easier now. at first it was really hard to control myself when I felt there was so many obvious solutions to point out. Its nice that he dosnt get mad at me for giving advice, plus its very frustrating when you give solutions to only hear them be shot down out of negativity. I see now what Chris meant about it being so much easier.
yes he has a job that is very much like a pressure cooker. So he should then learn how to deal with the stress. we all have stress that we need to learn to release. I am not trying to minimize his stress level, I just know its not solving anything the way he is dealing (or not dealing) with it now.
Chris, ahhhhhhh! I guess I am going to have to go buy that book. At Christmas my sil told me she had the book and was going to send it to me. I have sent her reminders, but havnt seen the book yet. Since she is pregnant I dont want to keep bugging so I guess I shall just go get it already. If I can I will tomorrow if not then Monday I will for sure.
I am pretty sure we are suffering from role reversal here. He is so much more emotional then I, and complains I am not emotional enough??? Yet says I am very loving, caring and affectionate... I just dont get extremely wound up over everything, I usually keep my cool. He says I am just like my father! LOL in school I always excelled more on the things that they say are usually more dificult for girls and natural for boys. so I am defective!!! LOL
When I read your post I had to admit I thought of the John Gray book too. Normally the male is the one who gives solutions when presented with problems. I was thinking role reversal too. When Chris mentioned it I knew I was right .
I also agree with you that having a stressful job does not excuse all behaviors.
I also thought about it just being a cycle. The only way to tell is for you to continue refraining from offering advice to your H for a month or so and see what happens. I would have trouble doing that myself. I always would tell my GW "If you just would do this then blah blah". Maybe she just wanted to me to listen. I think your on to something with the active listening.
You seem to be on-line less so I think that should also be making your H happy. Even if he doesn't say it.
New wave of newcomers over there this week. I think Peters right about everybodys wiring being off.
I have been trying to do the active listening for quite a while now. I am sure its been more then a month. so does it mean its just another cycle? hmmmm.
I will continue to try to just make him feel suported, so he dosnt feel so alone. I was thinking a couple days ago of making myself less available to him... but perhaps that wouldnt be the best thing right now. He knows I am suportive, whenever things have been hard for him he has always thanked me for being so suportive and there for him. Even at times when all I wanted to do was run away.
My counselor says his behavior is just typical alcoholic behavior. I guess I just dont totally except that and want him to change. thats what I keep agonizing over, whether he can change, or I am just wasting my time and going through this for nothing but heartache.
