that is a good idea, my only problem with that is, I keep falling asleep at night.
you see he waits until we fall asleep then he goes out buys his booze then sits in his car or truck in the driveway and drinks. Then he comes in and goes to bed. he does this because of me saying I will not have any drinking here, and I wont be around him drinking. I have tried so hard to stay awake as late as him, but he comes to bed many times at like 1 and 2 am. I get up at 5 so I just cant seem to stay up that late even when I drink coffee. he gets up at 4 but he takes naps after work. yesterday he didnt take a nap. and I thought for sure he wouldnt be able to drink because he was so tired. He said go ahead and go up I will be up in a minute I am very tired too. well he didnt come for a while and I fell asleep so I dont even know if he drank last night. He used to do this before he got help, he couldnt wait for everyone to go to bed so he could drink. I used to just go up and get on my computer to not be around him drinking.
He was very nice yesterday. This is whats so hard for me. We can get a long great! so often I think we seem like a very very hapily married couple. So many things I see and hear about other couples fighting over is just nothing to us, I guess because we have some big issues and most other things pale in comparrison. And yet other times, he gets on my case for everything... there is no stability or norm its a constant rollercoaster. Ive tried to pay attention to when things are working and when they arent and it seems to be his mood that determines it. When he is nice we get a long great, if he is feeling stressed or in a bad mood, its like everything is on me.
sometimes he is just the most amazing father, very patient and understanding. keeping his cool when I feel like I am going to explode with frustration and other times he is yelling over lesser things. I know no one is perfect all the time, but its such etreme ends of unpredictablility.
I never know what I am going to get. One day I have this great understanding H who I can open up to and talk to and other times I have this mean person who is just out to hurt me it feels and will use things I have opend up about to hurt me.
very small ex.
I forgot to give my youngest one her medicine on Christmas. it was a crazy day, he was at work and I had to pack up the kids drive 2 hours to Grandmas un pack visit for a bit then turn around drive 2 hours back home to get H, and pick up our crib which I am giving to my soon to be niece or nephew. My H could have brought it in the truck after he got out of work or we could have waited for him to get home from work before driving out, but we decided we wanted to get the kids to all the relatives as soon as possible to enjoy Christmas. and we thought the driving time alone together would be nice for us which it was. that night he asked me with all the happenings that day did I remember to give her her meds. I said oh no I forgot! I felt terrible about this, like an irresponsible mother, because even though alot was going on I shouldnt have forgotten to give her her antibiotics. He said dont feel bad it was a mistake lets make sure we give them to her tomorrow though. the next morning he got up so cranky and started complaining I hadnt made him breakfast yet. I said well you have never been a breakfast person untill after you have been awake for a couple hours and had your coffee. I made you some coffee and I was waiting to make breakfast for when you tell me you are ready for it. He was mad about me being so inconsiderate and went in and started making himself breakfast. I said, I said I would make it for you... he just snapped at me and started saying I dont think about anyone but myself, (I was sitting with my sil having a cup of coffee talking to her about her pregnancy) then he said well did you at least give Amanda her medicine today?! very rudely. I said yes I did. "at least"??? he said well yes "at least" because you didnt care enough about her yesterday to give her any. and made some remarks about that.
see what I mean he was understanding one day and knowing i felt bad about forgetting he uses that to hurt me the next day. now thats a much smaller scale then what I am usually upset about and I let that go to he was just a grump. But I am so tired of the mood swings.
I thought if I could get him out of taking naps he would not be able to stay up late. but I cant get him to stop taking naps just goes on and on about how he has to get up at 4 in the morning while we are sleeping and he works hard. and then when I manage to interupt his nap time and keep him awake, he then starts falling asleep while he is driving home.
I just see it as he needs to realize what he is doing and take responsibilty for himself.
he does talk about how much he needs me. he needs my suport etc. Wishes I would give him what I give to everyone here. The thing is I try and he really dosnt listen to me and dosnt agree with me or the way I think and look at things so its very hard. I mean here it dosnt matter if anyone agrees with me or not they can take my insights or leave them, its just my thoughts and oppinions from my perspective. With him its diferent, he thinks I am just not there enough for him, I dont know what he really expects from me, I dont have the answers he wants I guess. and other times I just think well maybe we are just too diferent for each other I dont know, but I dont have this much trouble being understood or understanding others. I dont know what it is that he thinks I have in me that I am not sharing. maybe he just has a false image of me and thinks I am something I am not ... I dont know.
its hard to deal with when I hear so many other friends saying such wonderful things about me. of course they dont have to live with me like he does.
okay definite ramble here.
thanks for your idea, I will try to see if I can work it some how, maybe just in a diferent way then I have tried. I have kept him awake by just having a lot of sex with him but I cant do that because it takes away from my time with the girls. they need me taking care of them. I thought cutting him off after work from sex will make him just have to have it at a diferent time. but I think late at night nothing is more important to him then his drinking.
I think he has gotten so comfortable with the fact the drinking is HIS problem and not for me to worry about, that he thinks maybe I wont leave because of it, I dont know. I dont want to make that threat anymore, I just dont know how to debate that one anymore because I am not suposed to be thinking about HIS problem, and I am suposed to be detached from it. sure detachement gets you through the days, and keeps you from damaging your spirit, but I think it also allows me to be able to live with less then I deserve.
