Hi Rayanne, good to hear from you. glad you had a nice time with H and S. And yet you still have new years with D comming.
we had a nice christmas. of course my H is staying up late everynight drinking. Christmas eve really got to me. He woke me up at midnight very very drunk I could hardly understand him. It was to set up the stockings and put Santas presents out. but it really hurt that that couldnt be a special time of getting everything ready for the kids instead it was painful. then he fell asleep and I was up boiling over til 3 am ... again... seems to be my latest pattern. he wakes me up all drunk when he comes to bed, I smell the cigaret smoke and hard liquor on him, he falls asleep and I am awake until 3 am thinking if this is really enough for me for the rest of my life.
Is the relationship I want, just imposible to have with this man. I dont want to accept this situation... Then I wonder whats the right thing to do, accept him faults and all like I would anyone or is this just shorting my self too much? I guess its all a matter of what you are capable of handling... but I have already proven I am capable of handling so much more... so now what, because I have lived through extreme circumstances I now should accept what I have because I can handle it if I choose to? I dont know.
last night I was sitting and writing my thoughts and feelings down and my plans for this year. he walked in and looked at the screen like he always does. I covered it and said quit being nosey, but I said it in a light hearted way with a smile and minimized the screen. Honestly I just want my privacy and I dont want him violating my space and thoughts. I dont mind sharing myself with him, but some thoughts I dont think do us any good, like me planning to leave if he dosnt get his act together... it just puts pressure on him that makes it impossible for him to relax and concentrate on his goals, if he really has any. I am so sick of hearing what he claims and watching him do another, like people who join a gym in January and stick to it the first 2 or 3 weeks at best then go back to their old ways.
I want permanent changes! do I want too much?
I was watching my s and bil this weekend. they both had counseling before getting married and he is a counselor/social worker... anyways in watching them interact trying to get an idea of what to expect from a healthy marriage... I dont know, I mean yeah they get upset with each other over dumb stuff that my H and I dont even get upset over but what I noticed is their disputes are not disrespectful and end very quickly and they are loving to each other again, no dwelling and BS.
at my last session I was talking to my counselor about my relationship. and he said well basically what you are saying is as long as he is nice to you you will stay? you know that to me is our relationship going well, him being nice to me. but even during that time so much is lacking... will it ever be more? I mean I feel like its going to take time but eventually we can get somewhere and thats why I hang in here. but what if this is as good as it gets? this isnt enough.
anyways he is very upset with me today because of my behavior yesterday in not sharing what I had written down about my goals etc. because obviously it was something to another man I didnt want him to see and even if it wasnt if it really was what I said it was then its me building walls and leaving him on the outside and not sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. why am I not entitled to privacy??? he feels there is nothing wrong with him reading my mail etc... because there shouldnt be anything anyone else knows that he dosnt... I understand it I guess but we are not in that place and if we were I still dont feel its right that he thinks its okay to read my journal or mail.
