Okay, to make sure Chris got the last words on my last thead (its a man thing I guess ) I am starting my new one now.

I am going to try to find the right balance not just in my marriage but in my life.

I need to stop worrying so much about H's reactions to what I do. I just have to deal with them as they arise.

Five truths about fear:
1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow.
2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go
out and do it.
3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out and do it.
4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I'm on unfamiliar
territory, but so is everyone else.
5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the
underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.


He has to take care of him and he wont have to if I keep doing all the taking care of him. I need to take care of me. I need to not deprive myself of things I want because I dont want to deal with his reactions.

I still need to figure out to handle some situations.

yesterday, he called me from work to discuss some finacial inforation. then he said I have to go I will call you back. I decided to look up more informaiton to what we were discussing on the net.

He called me on my cell phone all mad, saying I dont know what message you are tyring to send me here but it really dosnt feel good.... I explained to him I was looking up more information for what we were discussing, I thought we were working on something together.
He said, I told you I was calling back so you got on line? I said well thats why my cell phone is on. He just kept on at me and telling me to think about what kind of message I am sending him and how he is hurt and angry by it. So I just listend to him until he was done. I admit I felt pretty upset by what he was saying, but I just let it go, I explained, he chose to be upset rather then listen so its on him not me. then he started asking me what I found out and said to keep reading and he will call back in an hour.
that worked out okay, he never apologized for the way he spoke to me and I guess he just feels he was speaking his feelings and wanted to be heard.
Can I ask him to talk to me diferently?
Or do I just accept that thats how he is and learn to detach from it.

Last night we had a great time and we went out to dinner and then bought a Christmas tree. We had a nice time just talking about things and things going on at work.
Then on the way home he wanted to pull off into a field and act like teenagers.
I said no. He got upset as usual started talking about how he isnt feeling so good about this rejection etc... I said I am on antibiotics and it makes my birthcontrol not work and I dont want to get pregnant so we need to wait till we get home and use a contraceptive. He was still upset going on and on. I thought well I already explained the situation so its up to him to get over it there isnt anything I can do further.

This behavior of his really bugs me.
So what can I do here. Can I ask him to stop reacting that way?
I think its just my problem, because I know it bothers me more then it should. Iam sure if our past wasnt the way it was then I would probably not be so bothered by it, however I just feel like he is sooo inconsiderate of my feelings in this area.

Its the way he reacts that makes me feel like he dosnt care about my feelings.
Now is this just my problem to deal with?
I consider his feelings of needing to feel loved and put my self second to that for a long time. Realizing how important sex is to making him feel secure and loved. So I guess I wish he would do the same because him not reacting like that would make me feel secure and loved.
Can that be a need of mine that he could choose whether he wants to fill it or not?
So I should just tell him how I feel and then let him decide what he wants to do?

Now on the other hand, should I be doing everything he talks to me about.
He tells me how he feels. Then gets angry if I dont change after finding out how he feels. How do you handle situations like that? I mean there are somethings that I am not going to change, how do I handle it to where I do not hurt him in the process?

okay anyways.... I am changing my entire work out program to give myself some change in my routine. I am also going to start training for this summers triathalons. well except the swiming its too dang cold out!
the girls are off for the next 2 weeks so I am going to plan some fun quality time for us. I am going to visit our health spa this weekend and think about joining when they have the specials next month! and maybe I can see if they have any opening to get maybe a part time job there.
Also thinking If I cant manage to take a couple classes in the spring due to childcare problems then I will at least take 1 class online to just get my brain going again.

Sue