Thank you for the concrete thoughts and suggestions. I think they will be helpful to Heather.
I have been having a lot of trouble with this sitch and I've been trying to figure out why. I guess it pushes my buttons on a number of things.
My ex-H had problems with perscription drugs and narcissistic and bipolar disorders. Heather's H's reactions and behaviors remind me a whole lot of some of the interactions we used to have and brought back the helplessness and pain that I felt. I have realized that any post that brings this time period up in me is difficult for me to give any suggestion other than a knee jerk - "run, run far away."
Also, I have trouble with the whole affair issue too. I can understand why Heather made that choice although it only complicated an already complex marital situation. I also think she has downplayed it although I hadn't wanted to point that out. My Dad had a brief affair. My parents stayed together and are very happy now. My Mother did not punish him for his indisretion nor did she shut him out BUT he did account for his whereabouts at all times, answer any questions she had AND apologize to us kids (we were mid and late teens at the time) and answer any questions we had. She didn't treat him as any less worthy and she took responsibility for her mistakes too. It was about two years before the M got back on track. She yelled, he apologized, they spoke, they retreated in silence and everything in between but they just kept working on it. The thing that worries me for Heather is that I don't see any evidence that her H is working on anything. I'm also not sure if she made herself as transparent about the whole thing and every day thereafter of the the last two years as my Dad did. I do think that is necessary for the M to make it.
The long and the short of it is that I'm not feeling very helpful and for that I'm sorry. I hate to see a M end because a stalemate has been reached and neither party can get past it. Heather, it seems you have both put out what you are willing to put out and have risked what you are willing to risk. Further movement will not happen without more risk on both of your parts. I know you are in pain and I don't believe in continued self flaggelation but I do think that more pain is necessary in order for your M to heal. You have to bear the pain of full disclosure and ownership of your actions AND you have to wait until your H is ready to hear it. If he has alcohol problems his ability to hear you is severely limited.
