"I disagree with nearly every piece of advice given the past few days."
LOL, I guess I didn't do a very good job mimicking your approach.
With regard to Harley's comments about how painful an A is, I will have to disagree right back. First, Harley defines an A as the person MUST have BOTH emotional attachment and the act of sex. He specifically says that having just sex (kinda like LFL, although I still don't think what she did was an A due to her separation) or just having an emotional attachment is NOT an A in his book. He says it takes both for the damage to have the level of severity that he goes on and talks about. He specifically mentions how just have the P or the E is MUCH MUCH (emphasis mine LOL) to deal with, so I would assume he is implying that the pain is not as great.
Of course, that is Harley painting a broad picture. Heather's H may not respond in the same general way that Harley notes most SO's do. We always have to remember that books will tend to give us only the most common scenarios. So it may be that Heather's H feels as much pain as someone raped or abused. I don't know.
But on the other side of the coin, Harley really doesn't address much the pain of the offender (unless he does it in SAA which I haven't read yet). I have often wondered why I didn't "go all the way" in my A, and by the same token neither did Heather. I don't remember enough of the details for her, but the opportunity was definitely there for me. After much soul searching, I truly believe that the reason I didn't was because of the pain. I had dengue fever of the soul my friend during the whole affair. I felt like my heart broke every morning when I awoke because of the knowledge of what I was doing. By the time I revealed the affair, it was in a million pieces, and still hasn't completely recovered.
I definitely don't want to diminish the pain of the offended, that was not my aim. What I was trying to argue against was Heather diminishing her own pain and assuming this subservient role, i.e. your pain is SOOO much worse than mine that mine is irrelevant, I'll do anything you say and forget about my feelings. It seems like Heather (and myself) can get that way sometimes. Maybe its just me and I was projecting on Heather.
I would like to say I do agree with the idea that she needs to babystep it back. I think her H wanting hot sex is actually more troubling in light of the fact that he doesn't want simple affection. There really should be atmosphere of basic affection in play BEFORE sexual activity occurs. Otherwise a prostitute-mark environment is created. Only by baby stepping her way back into a normal affectionate R can this be broken. Of course, that's JHMO.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
First, Harley defines an A as the person MUST have BOTH emotional attachment and the act of sex. He specifically says that having just sex (kinda like LFL, although I still don't think what she did was an A due to her separation) or just having an emotional attachment is NOT an A in his book. He says it takes both for the damage to have the level of severity that he goes on and talks about. He specifically mentions how just have the P or the E is MUCH MUCH (emphasis mine LOL) to deal with, so I would assume he is implying that the pain is not as great.