I disagree with nearly every piece of advice given the past few days.
I do agree with koshka, about the labeling of narcicissim being thrown around way too much. Your H is narcisstic. Im narcisstic, Cobra is narcisstic. Your narcisstic. Whooo that was fun. Not very productive though.
So here is what I see. I see a couple-- both of whom have empty love banks. So your wondering what to do about 'the truck'. I think there is more to this. Your trucks age and the affair seem to coincide chronologically. Even if the truck is not some metaphor for your independace, to your H its a symbol of your affair. Its where he focuses a lot of anger. Would you print up a hundred copies of a picture of you and OM making out and leave them all around for him to find?
He has said he is not riding in the truck. Period. Why in the world would you force this on him? Why couldnt you take the other car to work today? You need to figure out why you have the need to keep escalating and testing his boundaries and creating more drama.
FWIW, I walked away from a whole house of material possesions, and 10 months left on a lease, and then I did it again and again during my dealing with A. If I was your H I would have probably taken your truck out to the desert and blown it up. Im not kidding.
So now his reception from being away is what? pleasant? receptive? How is it giving? Is it making a deposit or taking out another one?
You keep focusing on the length of time this has been going on. Your H keeps focusing on whether you are commited or not. Untill he sees that --thru you actions,not words, he is not going lower his shields. Leaving the house was the most destructive and pitiful attempt at a boundary. Like swiss cheese. soft and full of holes. Nothing productive came from it. More walls rose up from your H. It was in your H's eyes just more proof that you arent commited. This truck issue is going to be more of that. Your insecuritys are full on crashing (and this is one I see in a number of sitches currently. Men want surity and commitment. So they give it... to their detriment. Women dont 'feel' commitment. So they're not gonna give it. They give emotion and want it in return and will happily stick around as long as they are getting it.)
You arent sure that things will ever get better. Your H isnt sure that you are going to stick around, or worse yet, run off and be with another, OM. You both even tell each other you are only there because of the kids. How does this activity make each other feel important?
Other things. Your H is communicating to you without any emotion whatsoever. You are filtering what he says, the rare occasion he speaks. Your translations are incorrect.
Have you made a decision yet? Because I see some of your posts that have no confidance in them. Those comments (negative mental state) and your actions currently are actually destroying the marriage. (as is his) Personally, I think you are committed. You just think it will remove all your power, all of your barganing ability if you admit that. I disagree with your feeling on this.
Cobra. Im really glad you found schnarchy and that his communication style gets across to you what you need to do. Your doing excellent with it, though I dont think you get why, yet. Its not much different then what Nops was suggesting to you. I think its a terrible idea for heather. She needs to focus on 'reenmeshing' with her H. There is nobody more differentiated then a person having an affair. Nothing in her current behavior is likely to be found in that other book you like so much.
Chrome. ....
Quote: But that statement is BS. While it may be true that some people who have A's don't feel much remorse or pain afterwards, those of us who had our A during a weak emotional period on our lives feel an awful lot of pain during and after the A. True. Only you truly know how much pain you feel from your own guilt or remorse, and only your H truly knows how much pain the A caused in him, but I am willing to bet that your pain, being the consciencous person you are, is at least in the same level as his.
according to Dr. Harley
Quote: After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience.
I know women who are struggling with the emotional fallout from rape and sexual abuse decades after it happened. According to the expert, this is worse. So Im gonna have to differ with you on this.
I agree Heather probably wont have good results but strongly initiating sex/kissing, but not having sex is making things worse. The 5 month sexual drought is your choice heather. You are using his bad behavior as an excuse to 'punish' him. The horse whisper Gel would not approve.
So far all of your boundaries are fake and an attempt to force him into some sort of behavior. How is this working out for you?
If you want things to get better you can do what needs to be done, or you can keep 'being right'. What needs to be done.
Focus on the good. Accept. show appreciation and deliver words of admiration. Sincerely. When appropriate. Often. Not as a form of flattery to get what you want. Im betting he is savvier then that anyways.
Honestly express your pain when he does something that hurts you, (being vulnerable---not groveling. gross. )
WITHOUT using your previous maximizer type behavior. Thank your for this tidbit. You feel crazy when you act that way, because its irrational to act that way. It gets no respect.
burgbud.
Quote: We've had this discussion before, but as much as I can relate to H and as much as I've done many of the stupid things he's doing, the truck thing and the kissing thing never fail to astound me. He's made the truck yours and OMs instead of yours and his. H doesn't take back what OM "took"; he gives it away. He lets OM control him to an amazing extent
While you and I may have learned this crucial difference, Heathers H is going to see It as Heather giving it away. Not OM taking it. So only she can give it back in his mind. Yes I agree he needs to 'take it back'. He cant see it though.
Back to the sex issue. You can make yourself available to your H, even subcommunicate that you would like to ML thru various ways. That will work. Taking a kiss-probably not. Baby step it. ML, missionary position. kiss his chest, nuzzle his face/ kiss his neck/rub cheeks (not ass cheeks. J/K .) Eskimo kiss (nose rubbing).
Jabez. My man. if you keep acting like a girlfriend to women thats what youll end up being.
Aloha.
P.S. heather. Dont tell me how to parse my metaphors. If you dont like my style, (which is treat everyone the same. just like sh!t.) tell me to stay our of your thread. That is a boundary. Put swiss cheese in front of me and Ill slice it and put it on a cracker.
.) Eskimo kiss (nose rubbing). 
