Pardon my ignorance but don't you think its rather childish of H to be that way simply because someone else rode in your truck? Just my opinion, but if he will not get in the truck, I would tell him, Fine, then take a cab home. It just seem pretty rediculous to me to have to go so far out of your way to appease his childish behavor.
Annette, I do think it's childish to wage war with an object. I cheated, not my truck. The issue is with me and to try to make it about anything else is childish. I agree.
I let a lot of these kinds of things go on in the beginning because I understood that H was hurting and he was trying to elicit some control over a situation where he had none....his W just cheated on him and he needed to do some things to make his heart feel safer. I want to understand his point of view and I want to help him....but I can't help him and I can't help us if we continue with these kinds of behaviors.
H already told the kids that we were picking him up from the airport. Do I tell the kids we aren't picking Daddy up, that he's just going to meet us at home? Or do I go, drive my truck and take my kids to pick up their Daddy and let H decide in the moment what he will do? This approach is what I want to do, I WANT to take my kids to pick up their Dad, I want to see H at the airport as well. But I fear that I will be escalating the situation and making it volatile....if he chooses a cab, the kids will be confused as to why we are driving away without Daddy, etc. So, although I would like to go to the airport and make H fully accountable for his own decision as to how to get home, I feel like that would be putting the kids in a bad spot.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Quote: I want to understand his point of view and I want to help him....but I can't help him and I can't help us if we continue with these kinds of behaviors.
Have you said this to him? Sat down and really talked about his behavor? BTW how long has it been since the A took place? I can also see letting it go at first, but there has to come a time when it stops.
I also understand not wanting to put the kids in the middle of all this. Doesn't he also have a responsibility to think about the kids and what it might do to them if he refused to get in the truck if you showed up in it?
No, I haven't said exactly that to him. I have said similar things and he's pretty convinced that I just want to forget all about it, have not consequences for my behavior and have a M that's better than ever.
It's been two years since I told him about my A.
Doesn't he also have a responsibility to think about the kids and what it might do to them if he refused to get in the truck if you showed up in it?
Yes, I suppose he does. But, knowing how he feels about riding in my truck and the fact that he told me yesterday that he is NOT riding in my truck, I think it would be asking for trouble to go to the airport with the kids. Then I create a situation where he HAS to choose in front of the kids and I know my H well enough to know he will stand by what he said and he will not ride home with us. So, knowing that, *I* would be the one putting the kids in a bad spot if I tried to take them anyway.
Yes, he gets home today.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Does that change anyone's opinion that I did the right thing by offering to pick H up from the airport, but refusing to switch vehicles?
Quit asking that! You don't need anybody to hold on your hand any more. Sometimes I think you seek permission to do what H wants instead of doing the right thing.
Heather, do you make OM a part of your life in any way? Do you go to any of his gigs? Do you call him on the phone? Do you email him? Do you talk to him? Do you see him? Do you even *want* to do any of those things?
Because if not, H the only one keeping OM in your life. Why does he want OM to remain in your life two years later? Why is OM the last man who kissed you? That's not what *you* want; it's what H wants.
H already told the kids that we were picking him up from the airport. Do I tell the kids we aren't picking Daddy up, that he's just going to meet us at home? Or do I go, drive my truck and take my kids to pick up their Daddy and let H decide in the moment what he will do? This approach is what I want to do, I WANT to take my kids to pick up their Dad, I want to see H at the airport as well. But I fear that I will be escalating the situation and making it volatile....if he chooses a cab, the kids will be confused as to why we are driving away without Daddy, etc. So, although I would like to go to the airport and make H fully accountable for his own decision as to how to get home, I feel like that would be putting the kids in a bad spot.
Did he tell the kids you were picking him up before his conversation with you about the vehicles? If so, he's point blank manipulating you with the children.
If not, well, they're little kids. They don't need to have the adult issues explained to them. Just tell them it didn't work out to go pick Daddy up. End of story.
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