Am I Creating a SSM Part III

[heatherg]

Jabez, thanks for pointing that out. It was a good elaboration on what Cobra was saying.

Bud, you're in familiar form Cool.

You responded with something to the effect of you wouldn't relive the first year you dated H for all the money in the world.

Yep.

So that makes me wonder, is there any stretch of six months to a year when you would say that your M was really very good? Is there a time in your M that you're looking to get back to? Or are you basically looking to start over and build a very good marriage from the ground up?

I think there were long stretches where we had lots of good things going for us....but I could never get past the drinking. Eventually my feelings about his problem destroyed just about every good feeling I had toward him.

We definitely had good times and good chemistry when he wasn't drinking and I wasn't feeling resentful because he did drink the night before or would be drinking that night or the next night. My H basically had an ongoing EA with alcohol and I hated it with every fiber of my being.

There are certain difficult qualities about H that have always been and likely will always be...but I probably could have dealt with them, particularly if I had taken the initiative to learn the things I am learning now. And, perhaps if I would have taken the self development path sooner, maybe I could have evoked some really positive change in my R before it was too late. I guess sometimes it takes trauma before one is shaken into changing. My A was a trauma for me too, although I understand my pain isn't nearly as deep as H's.

So....we had lots of things going for us that I would not want to change....H was my best friend, he's always been such a loyal person and his affections have always made me feel honored in a way because he tends to be very judgmental and not easily befriended. But there were also lots of things in the R that would need to be rebuilt....his self centered focus on his own feelings has always resulted in a disrespect for mine because of his tendency to frame things in win-lose ways. When we disagree, to honor my own feelings is to disregard his.