Although I would agree that I am the pursuer in the R, I've never really gotten the impression that H *wanted* to be pursued. He mostly just wants to avoid, end of story. That's why 'turning the tables' and not pursuing anymore....that doesn't solve anything in my situation because H gets to avoid and never even has to try. It just happens because the pursuit has stopped.
In a typical pursuer, avoider R one expects the avoider to begin pursuing after the pursuer has backed off. That doesn't happen in my R. And if I, the pursuer, back off hoping that the avoider will 'come around', I'm sadly mistaken.
As long as the object of the pursuit is getting their emotional needs satisfactorily met, they won't have motivation to pursue. It seems like one of H's "emotional needs" right now is to be able to (quoting Cobra) self sooth. He cannot get that from anyone else but you. Even if he is not speaking to you, he gets satisfaction from seeing you struggle. If you take that away by not engaging in the downward spiraling conversations, detaching, and showing H that you're not struggling, you may notice a change in his pursuit per se. His manner of pursuing may not be your manner of pursuing, so just try to notice any change in H.
